Just a Dream

Sometimes, when I think back to when Mike and I were together, it doesn't really feel real. I think about all these amazing moments we had together...things he use to do for me, things he'd say to me, the crazy happiness that I experienced during that time...and it just feels like it was all this amazing dream that I woke up from. Like it never really happened.

And then, there are other days where I feel the exact opposite and I feel like I'm living in this horrible dream where I'm not with him and maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and everything will be back to normal. Tomorrow, maybe I'll wake up and he'll be here with me or I'll get a phone call from him on his way to work like I use to get each morning.

The past two nights I've had dreams that really messed with me. Two nights ago I dreamed that I was out with some friends, Mike being one of them, and we were getting ready to head home when he made some comment about coming over. I was, of course, confused. He said he needed to stop by his place and pick some things up, but then he was coming to stay overnight with me. When I woke up in the morning, I actually felt happy for more than a split second. I really thought, probably for a couple minutes, that something had actually happened between us and we were talking again, trying again. And then, of course, reality eventually rears its ugly head and I get all upset. I remember that we're not back together, not even on that track, and it hurts all over again.

Last night the dream featured an old friend that I haven't seen in probably 4 years or more. He'd gotten a job working at the same place Mike does, actually sitting at the desk beside his. So this friend starts texing me, telling me that Mike is talking about me, talking about how much he misses me, about how the reason he hasn't asked me to come get my stuff from his apartment is because he's not ready to let go (which is a current thing that I keep thinking about and wondering about), how miserable he is w/out me, and even banging his fists on the desk in anger over the situation. But then he tells my friend that he doesn't know what to do about it because he's afraid to tell me what he's feeling. I'm reading these messages, thinking to myself "That's exactly where I am!" I want SO badly to text him and tell him how much I miss him but I just don't know how he'll respond so I'm too scared to do it. When I woke up from that dream, I was, once again, happy. I really thought I'd been getting these text messages. And then I realized I wasn't. Bring on the tears.

It's funny because in my dreams we are never back together...things just happen that make it seem like we're going to get back together. I wake up feeling hopeful and then moments later that hope is crushed.

I've had a lot of people tell me lately that I need to talk to him, that it seems like I have a lot I need to get out that, even if it doesn't change his mind about anything, might help me to let go. It scares me because I still don't want to let go. I still want to figure out how to make it work with him. I still want to figure out how to make him want me back. I still believe we could have been amazing together and I want to convince him of that but I'm afraid that if I pour my heart out I'll just be rejected again and I won't even know how to handle that.



Last night I was babysitting, and when I got there the dad asked me if I was still seeing Mike (they'd met once when we did a happy hour at their house). When I said no, his instant response was "Yeah, well, he was a jerk anyway." He wasn't really being serious, just saying that for my benefit. But the thing is, he isn't. He's absolutely wonderful and that's why I can't let go. If I could find some huge flaw, some big thing that drove me crazy about him, or if he'd been a total asshole to me, it would be different. But instead, I just can't stop being in love with him. Of course he wasn't perfect. Of course there were things that he did that irritated me. Of course he made me upset once or twice. But that's NORMAL. Every couple experiences that. It doesn't mean you just give up and break up. No relationship is perfect. But ours was pretty dang special and it just tears me up inside thinking about how he couldn't see that.

I just keep hoping that I'll wake up tomorrow and find these past 6 weeks and 3 days were just a horrible, horrible nightmare. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and find out he still loves me.