Mutually Satisfying Weirdness

Sometimes I miss him so much I think about driving to his apartment, banging on his door, and begging that he take me back. The thought of going one more day without him is sometimes so overwhelming that I just don't know what to do with myself.

Yesterday was the one month mark. One month since one of the worst days of my life, the day he told me "we just aren't working as a couple". I knew we were struggling with some things, but I never saw any of them as reasons not to stick it out. We loved eachother and I thought that meant not giving up just because things got a little tricky.

A while back, at church, we talked about praying honest prayers...and I don't think I've ever in my life been more honest with mine. I cry and I beg God to give him back to me...I tell him that I don't want anything else, that I just want Mike to realize that he made a mistake and to come back to me. I feel so lost without him...we had so many plans and now they're gone and I just don't have any idea what to do next. It's really, REALLY hard for me to want to let go of all this and give God control...I mean, I've told Him that is what I want. I've told Him that I need Him to help me and to get me through this and that I know He knows what's best even if I can't see that right now. The only thing I can think about how badly I want to be with Mike and spend the rest of my life with him and the idea of accepting that that may not be the case is just too much.

He was so incredible to me. He was so much more than I ever dreamed I'd find and that leaves me feeling like finding something better is unlikely. He made me feel so safe and so loved. I had no walls up with him. Everything was out in the open. I was ashamed of nothing, embarassed about nothing...I could be myself, completely, 100%. He never made fun of me for anything...he'd tease me about things, but then tell me they were "adorable". He appreciated the things that made me different.

There's a quote I always thought summed us up perfectly...

“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.”

  That's exactly how it felt with him. Things that a lot of other people would think were weird about him I found to be insanely attractive and I loved that he was unique. Things that are weird about me, he adored. We really did have a "mutually satisfying weirdness"...and it was love. For me, anyway, it was the most indescribable, amazing feeling I'd ever experienced. I was convinced that nothing could come between us. That we had a bond that was so strong that other people would be jealous.

I just don't know how to move past this. How do you let go of the one thing you want more than anything else in the world? How do you accept that the person that you love with every fiber of your being doesn't love you anymore? Or, even if he does, how do you go on knowing he just doesn't want to be with you? I've never gone through anything like this before and I just don't know.