I had a couple days last week that were decent. By decent, I mean I managed to eat and feel mostly normal while at work (instead of all stressed out). But then I'd eventually have a moment of intense emotion at some point in the day, usually once I'd gotten home and relaxed. I know for a fact not a single day has gone by since the breakup that I haven't cried.
I have never had so many dreams about one person before. I dream about him almost every night. Never a big, detailed dream...just little snippets. The one I had 2 nights ago involved being at his daughter's birthday party and we found ourselves alone outside for a moment. He grabbed me in a hug and told me he missed me terribly and that we would be back together soon. So, of course, I woke up feeling ecstatic for about 3 seconds, and then reality hit and it just made me all upset again. I almost always wake up right after the dream, and unfortunately they all tend to happen right in the middle of the night, so I'm awake at 2 or 3am.
The last two days I've been really down. Trying to be upbeat has required huge effort and I've felt on the edge of tears almost the entire time. On top of it all, I don't feel well. Every time I eat, my stomach hurts and I feel like I need to throw up. My head and eyes hurt. I have no energy. I just want to do nothing. I haven't had much drive to do anything this entire 3.5 weeks (my gosh, has it been that long already?) but for some reason being out and about yesterday and today was almost more than I could handle. I feel like a party pooper, and I hate it.
Today was particularly difficult as I went out with some friends that I haven't hung out w/ in ages after church. I rode w/ a couple who is engaged and getting married next month. I watched him open her car door for her and thought about how my routine with Mike was that he always opened my door and then leaned in and kissed me after I'd gotten in. I listened to everyone talking about wedding plans and it made me think about the plans I'd been making and how now they weren't going to happen. I watched my friend pay for his fiancee's meal...that was something I'd never really experienced before being with Mike. I loved being able to treat him from time to time, but he pretty much always paid. He was so good to me and took such good care of me and I miss it so much.
I miss my morning wake up calls and the "Sleep well, my dear. I love you," text I would get every night. I miss his hugs and his kisses and the notes he use to always leave me where he called me "my Jamie". I miss how he use to brush my hair out of my face and the times we'd kiss eachother in the pantry in the kitchen so his daughter wouldn't see us. I miss how safe and comfortable he made me feel, and how vulnerable I was able to be with him because I knew he loved me. I miss the joking and the tickling and eating entire cartons of mint chocolate chip ice cream in one sitting. I miss every single thing about him, even the little annoying things he'd do. They were all a part of who he was and I loved him so completely. I still do.
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