5 1/2 Weeks

Is it normal to still miss him so much after 5 1/2 weeks? Whenever Monday and Friday nights roll around, I still have to remind myself that I don't get to see him. I still find myself not wanting to plan things on those nights because I forget (even if it's just for a moment) that I won't be spending the evening with him.

This morning I jolted out of bed at 6am thinking I was getting my wakeup phone call from Mike. I haven't gotten that call in almost 6 weeks, so it's crazy to me that some part of me is still expecting it.

This week has been really interesting because I know that he is insanely busy, busier than a normal week, and I know he's stressed out. I have been struggling because I can't do anything to help him out and I want to SO badly. I hate that I can't be there for him. I hate it so much. I realize there's not a lot of things I can do, but little things like doing the dishes for him or cooking him a meal that he can reheat and eat for several meals would make me so happy.

The thing that I couldn't seem to make him see, that still upsets me, is the fact that as much as I wanted more time with him, being able to do things FOR him throughout the week brought me immense pleasure. It really, truly helped make up for the fact that I didn't get a lot of actual time with him. I just wish I could have made him understand how very worth it it was to put up with a little less time if it meant being with someone I fit so well with.

 I know it's not a good thing for me to be doing, but I've been going back and reading text and chat conversations from when we were together and I just don't understand where things went wrong. We were so perfect together.

The whole future just feels so scary and unsure now that I am not walking into it with Mike. Being with him, I felt like I'd FINALLY found what I'd been waiting my entire life for. I felt like I'd been given more than I ever hoped I'd fine. Not only was I with a man who treated me better than I've ever been treated in a relationship, who loved me, and who made me happier than I'd ever been, but there was also this great bonus of his beautiful, sweet little daughter and his family that I felt so comfortable with. There was no doubt in my mind that we'd be getting married and getting an apartment together and spending the rest of our lives together. It just seemed like everything was just falling into place so perfectly.

But in the end, it was just all too good to be true and I just don't know how to move on from this. I don't WANT to move on, really. I want to figure out how to make it work between us again. I want to fix things, and I can't, and I hate it.