For the past 3 weeks, if I've had no plans for after work, I've come home and climbed into bed and spent most (if not all) my afternoon and evening there. Sometimes I sleep, but sometimes I just catch up on my shows on Hulu or read a book. It's not so much that I have no desire to do anything else, it's just that it's the only way I can keep my mind occupied. If I'm doing laundry, I can think about Mike. If I'm cleaning or cooking or whatever, I have time to think about Mike. But if I'm reading or watching TV, my mind is occupied. So that's what I do.
I've been fortunate to be able to meet with lots of different friends at different points along the way, which also helps. My best friend has been wonderful and allows me to come over pretty much whenever (only problem is she doesn't live so close, so it's not terribly convenient). As much as I've wanted to skip out on things because I just haven't felt like getting out of bed, I've been really good about sticking with plans because I know once I'm out and about, I'll feel better.
Even if it's just for a little while.
For some reason, when I'm driving in my car seems to be one of my tears' favorite times to start flowing. I can hardly listen to the radio without some song reminding me of something but I hate not having music, so I'm left with a dilemma. I try to listen to the Christian station, wanting something that will give me some hope or motivation, but instead I find myself listening to songs about God's faithfulness and how much he loves us and I just get upset because, honestly, I don't FEEL that right now.
I know, without a doubt, that God has a plan for me. I really, really do. But I was SO sure that Mike was part of that plan...I had no doubt that God had finally given me the things I've been praying for since I was a little girl...an incredible man who loved me and who was so insanely perfect for me and, in this case, a sweet little munchkin that I was so excited to be a step-parent to. And instead, I feel like my entire future was just ripped away from me and I find myself asking God why He felt I needed to be hurt like this.
I miss him so much...in a way I've never missed someone before. There's a picture floating around in cyberspace that says this:
In French, you don't really say "I miss you", you say "tu me manques", which is closer to "You are missing from me". You are a part of me. You are essential to my being. You are like a limb, an organ, or blood. I cannot function without you.
What I'm really struggling with is how much of that is ok? How much is it ok to feel you "need" someone before it becomes unhealthy? I mean, obviously I'm not dying without him, but I feel incomplete. I feel like something huge and important is missing from my life. I'm not functioning the same without him. It's like if I were missing a limb...I'd be going in circles and being off balance for a while, trying to adjust to life without that important part. That's exactly how it feels. He's supposed to be with me, but he's not, and I just haven't quite figured out how to function without him.
The thing is, he told me that one of the issues was that he thought I depended too much on him for my happiness. He felt too responsible for my emotional well-being. The thing is, I feel like there's a certain amount of responsibility on both people in a relationship for the other person in that regard...No, my world shouldn't come to a screeching halt when things are bad. I shouldn't only BE happy when things are perfect between us. But that's not how it was. I was happy because he was in my life, period. Sure, I got upset at times when we had some tough moments, but it never made me not happy overall, it just made me bummed for the moment. I knew we could work through it and move on. And now that he's gone, I've had to go one with my life. I haven't shut down or cut people out or stopped going to work. I've been powering through it, which has been SO hard, but I've done it because I know it's what I need to do. So, again, I just don't know how much is ok to let the other person affect you. I mean, if I just never let anything affect me, ever, from anyone, then what kind of person would I be? Stone cold, I'd say.
I think I just love with all that I am, with every fiber of my being. I'm compassionate and I'm giving and I loved doing things for him and he just took it the wrong way. I keep seeing all these things on Pinterest, quotes about the kind of person you don't let go of...and every single one of those I see makes me think "He had that in me. He had someone who would love him unconditionally, who would fight for him, who thought the world of him...but he let go." And it hurts.
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