Broken

Two and a half weeks ago things took a very unexpected turn.

The man I love more than anything in this world told me he didn't think we were working as a couple and he ended our relationship.

Needless to say, I've been a mess ever since. The afternoon it happened I was delivering a dinner to him that I had spent approximately 6 hours on if you count the time it took to go shopping for the ingredients. I had spent a long time trying to find something that was gluten free (for me),  fit his strict diet rules, and didn't contain chicken (his little one doesn't like it!). It was quite a task, but I finally found something. I'll be honest, I didn't love it and was disappointed after spending so much time, but it was edible.

So I show up at his work as he's leaving so I can drop it off before heading to babysit. I remembered that I didn't have to be there as early as I thought, so I asked him to get in the car and talk to me for a few minutes since he was actually out earlier than normal as well.

Maybe, if I hadn't asked him to talk to me, things wouldn't have happened the way they did. If I had just dropped it off and went on my way, we could have had more time for him to change his mind about ending things?

I keep thinking, over and over, about things I could have said that might have changed things...did I just let it go too easily? Did I not fight hard enough?

I just don't know. All I know is that I have never, ever in my life felt the emptiness in my soul that I feel since that day. It's so hard to describe...sometimes I feel like I can't catch my breath, like there's this weight on my chest. Sometimes I feel absolutely nothing. Sometimes, all I can do is cry.

The thing is, I've cried a lot about things in the past. I went through a bad time last year...I had been seeing this guy and he just disappeared on me when I thought things were great. I reacted pretty strongly to it which then led to a lot of my friends thinking I was just a mess and they stopped talking to me. These two things together put me in quite a funk and I cried a LOT last year.

But losing this one is so different...It's a very different kind of hurt, a different kind of crying. It's the emotional, heart and gut-wrenching kind of crying that has me on the floor because I lose the strength to stand. They are tears of a broken, busted heart.

I was so blissfully happy with him. I was so in love. I believed, with everything in me, that I would marry him and I'd been telling people that from the beginning. I wanted that so much. I felt like everything I'd been praying for and waiting for and longing for had FINALLY been given to me. Everything in my life was better because of him...Even things I didn't particularly enjoy before were suddenly more enjoyable because of his presence in my life.

Now, I just feel lost. I have no direction and very little joy in my life. So many of the projects and things I was working on were things that I was motivated to do based on the future I thought I was going to have. I figured I'd be marrying him and moving in with him later this year, so I've been going through all my stuff and SERIOUSLY condensing (parting with things I should have parted with long ago but never could) because I know we'd probably have less space than I have where I am now. I was working on ideas for a painting for his daughter's bedroom. I was researching plans and ideas for something I wanted to make for him for his birthday as well as compiling a scrapbook of all of the things we've done together. I've been working on making a lot of home-made products (deodorant, shampoo, laundry soap, face wash, cleaning supplies, etc) because we both like the idea of getting rid of chemicals and because it would save us money. I suddenly found myself wanting to be more frugal with everything because I knew that would help us.

 So, I've stopped going through my stuff. I've stopped cooking. I have no desire to work on any projects because the ones I was working on no longer apply. I can barely keep up with my laundry.

Oh, and the orchid he bought me is dead. The one he told me I "had to keep alive". I have never had good luck w/ orchids.

I feel like there's this big, empty hole in my chest. Like my heart is gone. I gave it to him and he broke it into tiny, tiny pieces and I just don't know when it will feel whole again.