Changing Plans

Last weekend I went to a wedding. Actually, I missed the wedding but made it to the reception. I COULD have made it to the wedding if I had tried really hard but it was a really crazy, busy weekend and I was just tired of rushing around, driving all over the place, and I just needed a break. So, I skipped the wedding. Honestly, though, part of me didn't really want to go. They are my friends, so I wanted to support them, but this was the first event since the breakup that was something I'd planned on doing w/ Mike and then ended up going alone. So, I probably would have bawled through the entire wedding. I wouldn't have been able to focus on them, instead I would have been crying over the fact that I won't be getting a wedding this year like I had planned. I know, it sounds horrible and selfish, but that's just how I feel right now. It's a strange mix of being happy that they're happy and being insanely envious that these two people (who are both younger than me) have found what I've been waiting my whole life for while I'm still trying to deal with losing the future I thought I was going to have with the man that I love.

It's really, REALLY hard to not allow those "poor me" thoughts to take over. It's REALLY hard to be sitting at the table and seeing that the person next to me is not the person I wanted it to be. It's REALLY hard when all my friends are out on the dance floor during a song that was special to me and Mike and I have to stand there, alone, instead enjoying the moment in the arms of someone I adore. It's REALLY hard when I'm driving the beautiful, scenic roads on my way to the reception, passing farms and valleys and wineries, and thinking about how much Mike would have loved to drive his car on those curves and hills. It's REALLY hard when I see SO many people that I haven't seen in ages, and when they ask how I'm doing I have to lie and say I'm fine because the last thing I want to do is tell the truth about how miserable and lonely and unhappy I am while I'm at a wedding for my friends. I definitely had a good time while I was there, and it's not like I spent the entire evening moping, but the thoughts hit me randomly throughout the evening and I'd have to take a moment to compose myself before continuing on with the festivities.

I have another wedding to go to in Michigan in July. We hadn't set anything in stone, but Mike and I had talked about it and the plan was that he go with me. Trying to plan on going by myself just wasn't working out. I couldn't find anyone to ride with or room with who wanted to go for more than one night and I don't really want to go and not be able to enjoy a bit of a vacation while I'm there. So, I was upset because if it had been me and Mike going, we could have made our own plans to go when we wanted, stay as long as we wanted, etc. We wouldn't have had to depend on other people. I had been so looking forward to going with him, to lying on the beach of Lake Michigan together and just enjoying eachother's company, to having someone to dance with at the wedding, and just being together in a new location. So, yeah, it really sucked when I had to try to plan w/out him. So, I considered not going, which made me upset as well because these are my friends who are getting married. They are people I care about. I don't want to skip the wedding. So, I decided to ask Jessica (my bestest friend) to be my "date". It's working out nicely...we've already got plans as to what we want to do, when we're going to leave and come back, and our hotel is booked. I'm really looking forward to it because, in all the years we've been friends, we've never gone on any kind of trip together. I know it will be fun. But, even knowing how much fun it will be, it's still hard to accept that I had to make these plans because the person with whom I REALLY  wanted to spend the weekend won't be going with me. Mike and I would have had wonderful talks on the 7 hour drive, and probably some really epic sing-a-longs to musical soundtracks, too.

Every time some event comes up that was something I would have done with Mike, it makes it really difficult for me to want to go. Every time I go see my family, I think about how much more fun it would be if he were with me. It was just always much more fun with him. I'm always the 5th or 7th or 9th or 11th wheel, no matter where we go, and not only did he fix that, but he fit in. Everyone liked him. People seemed to like me better when I was with him. But now, I'm always the only one standing around, bored to tears, all alone. Always. And I'm so f***ing tired of it. I was so blissfully happy when I had Mike...And even now, two months later, I still miss him more than I probably should. I still love him. I still just can't accept what happened because everything about losing him feels wrong.