It's been nine weeks. Sixty-three days. One thousand, five hundred and twelve hours, almost exactly. In one week we will have been apart for as long as we were together.
Last week I spend an evening with a wonderful friend. She told me a story (one she's told me before, actually) about how her parents had broken up after dating for a while and if it hadn't been for her mom pushing for a second try, they never would have gotten back together and ended up where they are today. Stories like this give me little glimmers of hope, but only momentary ones.
I am fully aware of the fact that Mike may not be the person I'll end up with, even though that's what I want right now. I want so badly to believe that at some point, something will change, and he'll decide to give it another shot. Maybe I'll provide a fabulously convincing argument as to why he never should have broken up with me in the first place. Maybe he will just get to a point where he realizes it on his own. There are a lot of "maybes". I have a lot of moments where I will feel optimistic. Usually after something someone says to me, or after a thought I have that, in my head, will just make my argument all the more convincing. But, again, it's always fleeting. It is never around long enough to actually make me feel better. It's just there for a moment.
I have never, ever in my life wanted to fight for something so badly. The only thing that has kept me from showing up at his house and demanding he talk to me is because I am so scared that it would just backfire and make things worse.
I want him to know how badly I hurt and how lonely my heart is without him. I want him to know that I cry every single day. Usually multiple times. I want him to know that I feel like I lost my purpose when I lost him. But I'm afraid of how he'll take that. So, instead, I'm putting on this fake happy face. I post on Facebook about all the places I go and all the people I hang out with and try to make it seem like I'm doing just fine. I want him to see that I CAN function without him, since he seemed to think I was too dependent on him for my happiness. But, maybe he sees all that and figures I'm doing great and that I've moved on and don't need him. I am just so confused and unsure of what steps to take because I'm so scared of ruining any possibly second chance with him.
I'm still waiting to have the talk with him that I wanted to have. I've mentioned it to him twice, now. The second time was almost a month ago. I told him the ball was in his court because I know how busy he is and I want it to be when he has time. But, I'm getting no hints at when it will happen. What hurts is that I told him how much I needed to talk to him, that it was important, and I feel like he doesn't even care. I am having a hard time figuring out how he could so easily get to a place of just not caring. I didn't do anything wrong, it wasn't some bad, messy breakup where we were yelling and screaming at eachother. It ended with both of us still saying "I love you", even if it was meant in a slightly different way for each of us. And he did love me...and even if that's changed, I guess I just don't understand how he could be so indifferent to everything now.
I'm just so very tired of crying and hurting and missing him so much. I know that saying what I need to say to him may not (probably won't) change any of that, but at least then he'll know how I feel and we can figure things out from there. It's just so hard to want to have hope because of how strongly I still feel about him but being scared of that hope because it could lead nowhere. I just wish I had some clue. Nothing in my life feels right without him. Making plans without him is still insanely difficult. Every time I get a text message (every single time) I think, just for a split second, that maybe it's him. And then I have to remind myself that it won't be.
Sometimes I feel so incredibly pathetic, still holding on to this, when he's given no signs that he wants to get back together. But I've also never experienced anything in my life like what I experienced with him and it's just not something I can let go of and get over. My time with him was truly the happiest, most incredible time of my life and it's nearly impossible to imagine anything better.
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