Triggers

Sometimes when I cry, I can point out something very specific that set me off. A song, a memory, a dream, a place, whatever. But sometimes there's no obvious trigger. Sometimes I just feel like something is supposed to be different.

Last night was one of those nights. I had no plans and all I could do was think about how much I desperately wanted to be with Mike. When we were together, I didn't have lonely Friday nights. I didn't see him every Friday, but probably most of them. But even the ones where I didn't see him, it wasn't lonly like it is now.

It really, really messed with me. Even though it's been nine weeks since we broke up, I couldn't stop feeling like it was supposed to be our night together and everything felt so fresh, like I just lost him all over again. And it hurt like hell.

There isn't a single day that's gone by that I haven't cried. I miss him so much, every single day. I think about him almost constantly. But last night wasmuch more difficult that any day I've had lately. I cried more than I have in a while. I just curled up on my bed and bawled.

Sometimes I just want to call him or text him or show up at his door and tell him that I can't stand not being with him and beg him to take me back. I've never felt such a strong desire to fight for something in my life. It has taken serious amounts of self control to sit back and not do anything. It's also because I'm scared of how he'd react. I still haven't completely given up hope that we'll somehow be together again, and the idea of doing anything even remotely "crazy" scares me because I don't want to do anything that might jeaopardize that. But, at the same time, I can't help but wonder if fighting for it a little might make a difference?

I felt like I knew him so well and never worried about talking to him about ANYTHING when we were together. Nothing was off limits. But this has me so scared because, more than anything, I want to be with him again.

Someone posted this quote on Facebook the other day about how God doesn't need our help with our lives, that we just have to trust him to work things out and not try to make things happen. We don't need to manipulate or plan or push or really do anything except trust Him. This is hard for me to accept because I also know we're not supposed to just sit back and do NOTHING....so trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do has not been easy.

I want to trust that He'll bring Mike back to me, but I know that very well might not happen, and that fear is making it hard for me to want to trust Him.