Just a Dream

Sometimes, when I think back to when Mike and I were together, it doesn't really feel real. I think about all these amazing moments we had together...things he use to do for me, things he'd say to me, the crazy happiness that I experienced during that time...and it just feels like it was all this amazing dream that I woke up from. Like it never really happened.

And then, there are other days where I feel the exact opposite and I feel like I'm living in this horrible dream where I'm not with him and maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and everything will be back to normal. Tomorrow, maybe I'll wake up and he'll be here with me or I'll get a phone call from him on his way to work like I use to get each morning.

The past two nights I've had dreams that really messed with me. Two nights ago I dreamed that I was out with some friends, Mike being one of them, and we were getting ready to head home when he made some comment about coming over. I was, of course, confused. He said he needed to stop by his place and pick some things up, but then he was coming to stay overnight with me. When I woke up in the morning, I actually felt happy for more than a split second. I really thought, probably for a couple minutes, that something had actually happened between us and we were talking again, trying again. And then, of course, reality eventually rears its ugly head and I get all upset. I remember that we're not back together, not even on that track, and it hurts all over again.

Last night the dream featured an old friend that I haven't seen in probably 4 years or more. He'd gotten a job working at the same place Mike does, actually sitting at the desk beside his. So this friend starts texing me, telling me that Mike is talking about me, talking about how much he misses me, about how the reason he hasn't asked me to come get my stuff from his apartment is because he's not ready to let go (which is a current thing that I keep thinking about and wondering about), how miserable he is w/out me, and even banging his fists on the desk in anger over the situation. But then he tells my friend that he doesn't know what to do about it because he's afraid to tell me what he's feeling. I'm reading these messages, thinking to myself "That's exactly where I am!" I want SO badly to text him and tell him how much I miss him but I just don't know how he'll respond so I'm too scared to do it. When I woke up from that dream, I was, once again, happy. I really thought I'd been getting these text messages. And then I realized I wasn't. Bring on the tears.

It's funny because in my dreams we are never back together...things just happen that make it seem like we're going to get back together. I wake up feeling hopeful and then moments later that hope is crushed.

I've had a lot of people tell me lately that I need to talk to him, that it seems like I have a lot I need to get out that, even if it doesn't change his mind about anything, might help me to let go. It scares me because I still don't want to let go. I still want to figure out how to make it work with him. I still want to figure out how to make him want me back. I still believe we could have been amazing together and I want to convince him of that but I'm afraid that if I pour my heart out I'll just be rejected again and I won't even know how to handle that.



Last night I was babysitting, and when I got there the dad asked me if I was still seeing Mike (they'd met once when we did a happy hour at their house). When I said no, his instant response was "Yeah, well, he was a jerk anyway." He wasn't really being serious, just saying that for my benefit. But the thing is, he isn't. He's absolutely wonderful and that's why I can't let go. If I could find some huge flaw, some big thing that drove me crazy about him, or if he'd been a total asshole to me, it would be different. But instead, I just can't stop being in love with him. Of course he wasn't perfect. Of course there were things that he did that irritated me. Of course he made me upset once or twice. But that's NORMAL. Every couple experiences that. It doesn't mean you just give up and break up. No relationship is perfect. But ours was pretty dang special and it just tears me up inside thinking about how he couldn't see that.

I just keep hoping that I'll wake up tomorrow and find these past 6 weeks and 3 days were just a horrible, horrible nightmare. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and find out he still loves me.

Did I Love Him Too Much?

I'd really like someone to answer this question. I've asked it numerous times, to many different people, and still just don't have a satisfying answer. And maybe there isn't a correct answer. Maybe it really just depends on the people involved.

But here's my question.

When you're in a relationship, how much of the whole "I can't live without you" thing is ok? I mean, obviously, most of us won't actually die if our spouse or significant other leaves us. So, really, saying you can't live w/out someone isn't realistic.

But to have someone that is the reason you are happy, someone who's presence in your life makes your life finally feel worthwhile and fulfilling, to be so madly in love with someone that nothing really matters except that you are with that person...at what point does it become a problem that your life kinda revolves around that person?

I'm really struggling with this. A lot. Because I don't feel like I was wrong in how much I loved Mike and how much I wanted to spend my life doing whatever I could do to make him happy. I don't feel like the fact that I'm having such a hard time moving past this means I was "too attached" or "too dependant"...it just means that I loved him in a way that I've never loved anyone before. I mean, aren't you supposed to think the world of the person you're with? Don't you want them to feel that way about you, too? Would you really want to be with someone who just thought you were "ok"? I know I wouldn't.

The thing is, I never thought I'd have to figure this out. All I knew was that I loved him and wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I wanted to be married to him and do his laundry and anticipate his arrival from work each day and have dinner waiting every night when he got hom. I wanted to sit with him as he read bedtime stories and did bath time with L. I wanted to wake up early and drink coffee with him each morning before work. I wanted to snuggle and hug and have arguments over stupid things so we could later make up. I wanted to take L to the park and on walks. I wanted to go camping and pay bills and figure out how to share a bathroom even though I have "too much stuff".


I just think I have a lot to give and maybe it looks like I overdo it, like I'm trying too hard...but really, I get so much joy out of it. It's not like I'm losing myself trying to make someone else happy...for the first time in my life, I felt like I'd finally found myself. I'd found my purpose in my life and even through the bumps I felt I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

I still get sick to my stomach whenever I think about the fact that nothing I was anticipating for this year is going to happen. The person that I thought was going to make this the most incredible year of my life changed his mind about me. Or he got scared. Or who knows what. I still don't really understand. I just know that I still believe it never should have ended.

Undone

I realize most people would say this is a very strange situation, but I've been talking lately with Mike's ex (his daughter's mom).

It all started when I heard she'd invited Mike to the munchkin's (just gonna call her L from here on out) birthday party she was throwing and had told him to bring me along. This was after we'd broken up, so I didn't even hear about it from Mike, I heard about it from his sister.

I sent Ashley a message on Facebook, just thanking her for the invitation and that even though I wouldn't be there, it really meant a lot to me that she extended the invitation.

She wrote back, a really sweet message, and we've just been kinda talking back and forth a bit. I messaged her the other day to ask how L's new daycare was going because I didn't want to bother Mike about it. We just ended up talking a whole bunch...a lot about Mike, of course, and just kinda getting to know eachother.

She said something to me the other day that was probably one of most incredible compliments someone could possibly pay me. She told me that if she'd been able to choose someone to be L's step-mom, it would have been me.

I was so undone by this. I mean, she's met me all of 2 times and I apparently made quite an impression on her. It's amazing to hear someone say to me what a good mom I'll be. Mike use to say it all the time and it was one of my favorite things to hear. But to have a child's MOTHER tell me that I would be her choice as a second mom to HER daughter...I don't know, I wasn't even sure how to handle that. I feel like that's a pretty big deal.

It makes me wish even more, now, that things could have worked out with me and Mike. I obviously still miss him terribly every moment of every day...and I don't see that changing any time soon...but to know that things probably could have been really good between me and Ashley makes it even MORE of a big deal that he just gave up on us. Or changed his mind or whatever he did. I mean, I would bet there aren't a lot of families out there where the step-mom is actually kinda friends with the real mom. I was always optimistic about the whoel thing simply because I get along w/ most people. I didn't necessarily think we'd be friends, but I really thought we could at least be civil, you know? But it turns out it could have been even better than that.

Tomorrow will be six weeks since Mike broke my heart. Not a single day has gone by that I haven't cried. Yesterday I only teared up once, for a moment, and that was it. But today has been rough again. Today, I had to hold back tears while at work. Sometimes I just start thinking about things...my mind just wanders to times when I was happy, things Mike and I did together or things he use to say to me or whatever...and I just get all choked up.

We had so, so many happy times. So many incredible moments. So much love. The bad times were never that bad. I wish Mike had been able to see that.

Storms

 Written  4/17


Last night in my LAB group (groups that meet throughout the week to discuss the teaching from church the previous weekend) we discussed storms. We talked about doubt and fear and faith and perservering and endurance.


We talked about the story of Jesus calming the storm, the time where the disciples called him "LORD!" when they were in trouble and then turned around and asked "How did he do that?" like they didn't quite get it. We talked about how we often do the same thing. We SAY we trust God. We SAY we want His will for our lives. We SAY we know He can help us through things and guide us and ultimately bring about His plan for our lives...but then the moment things get a little crazy, we doubt. We wonder why things happen and we question Him.

I've been very, very guilty of this these past 5 weeks (tomorrow is five weeks...ugh). I've cried out these painful, honest prayers where I beg God to help me and I tell him that I KNOW that He has everything in control and that I KNOW that I need to give it all over to him...and then five minutes later I find myself begging and pleading with him to just let me have back the love I lost. By doing this, I'm basically saying that I don't trust Him to come through and give me someone even better.


I just felt that what I had was so perfect. I still smile when I think about how things were...I sometimes wonder if Mike just forgot what it was like at the beginning. Because, honestly, I don't understand how something so wonderful could last for such a short time. All of my past "relationships" lasted much longer and there really wasn't any reason for those. It really bothers me that the healthiest, happiest, most serious relationship of my life was the one that couldn't even last 3 months.

I fell so fast and so hard and I was SO sure that I'd marry him...and now I don't feel like I can trust my own judgement anymore. I mean, I was just as sure about him as I am that my eyes are brown. No doubts whatsoever. So, if I can be that sure about something and then be wrong, how am I supposed to ever know when to let my guard down with someone? I really fear that this will make moving on very, very difficult. This is, by far, the most painful thing I've ever experienced and I can't imagine going through something like this again. I'm afraid that I'll build up walls and not let anyone else in because I'm trying so hard to guard my heart.

5 1/2 Weeks

Is it normal to still miss him so much after 5 1/2 weeks? Whenever Monday and Friday nights roll around, I still have to remind myself that I don't get to see him. I still find myself not wanting to plan things on those nights because I forget (even if it's just for a moment) that I won't be spending the evening with him.

This morning I jolted out of bed at 6am thinking I was getting my wakeup phone call from Mike. I haven't gotten that call in almost 6 weeks, so it's crazy to me that some part of me is still expecting it.

This week has been really interesting because I know that he is insanely busy, busier than a normal week, and I know he's stressed out. I have been struggling because I can't do anything to help him out and I want to SO badly. I hate that I can't be there for him. I hate it so much. I realize there's not a lot of things I can do, but little things like doing the dishes for him or cooking him a meal that he can reheat and eat for several meals would make me so happy.

The thing that I couldn't seem to make him see, that still upsets me, is the fact that as much as I wanted more time with him, being able to do things FOR him throughout the week brought me immense pleasure. It really, truly helped make up for the fact that I didn't get a lot of actual time with him. I just wish I could have made him understand how very worth it it was to put up with a little less time if it meant being with someone I fit so well with.

 I know it's not a good thing for me to be doing, but I've been going back and reading text and chat conversations from when we were together and I just don't understand where things went wrong. We were so perfect together.

The whole future just feels so scary and unsure now that I am not walking into it with Mike. Being with him, I felt like I'd FINALLY found what I'd been waiting my entire life for. I felt like I'd been given more than I ever hoped I'd fine. Not only was I with a man who treated me better than I've ever been treated in a relationship, who loved me, and who made me happier than I'd ever been, but there was also this great bonus of his beautiful, sweet little daughter and his family that I felt so comfortable with. There was no doubt in my mind that we'd be getting married and getting an apartment together and spending the rest of our lives together. It just seemed like everything was just falling into place so perfectly.

But in the end, it was just all too good to be true and I just don't know how to move on from this. I don't WANT to move on, really. I want to figure out how to make it work between us again. I want to fix things, and I can't, and I hate it.

Missing Him.

Last night, once again, I had trouble sleeping. In the past month (since the breakup) I've had MAYBE 5 good nights, and most of those nights involved large doses of NyQuil or some other sleep aid. The thing is, I don't want to get dependant on anything, so I'm trying to avoid taking things like that.

I mentioned in a previous post about how I kept having dreams about Mike, and that I'd wake up thinking whatever happened in those dreams really happened. Then I'd be smacked in the face with reality moments later and get all upset. I haven't really had a dream like that in the past few nights but I do still wake up in the middle of the night thinking he is calling me or I got a text message from him. And it hurts every single time it happens, because I just keep hoping that maybe one of these days I'll get the one that says "I miss you," or "I made a mistake letting you go," or maybe both of those things.

It's so hard not knowing how he is handling this. Does he miss me at all? I know he's busy so he probably doesn't have the time to miss me the way I miss him. But do things remind him of me? When he goes for sushi with his friend does he think about the times we had sushi together and wish I were with him? When he listens to the radio and songs we use to sing or listen to together come on, does he think of me? Does it hurt his heart a little bit every time he sees the stuffed otter I gave him for Valentine's Day? Do the pictures of his daughter on his desk at work (that I took and gave to him for V-Day) make him think of me at all? Does anything? Does he wonder how I'm doing, does he worry about me, or does he just not care? Does he question his decision about letting me go at all or does he feel completely content with how things turned out?

There's a part of me that wishes he was completely miserable without me, but because I love him the last thing I want for him is misery. I want him to be happy...I just don't want it to be without me. I want to be one of the reasons he is happy. I read a quote once that said "When you love someone, their happiness becomes your happiness." And it's so true...the things that brought me the most joy were things I could do for him. Anything I could do to make his life easier brought me immense happiness.

I just wish I could have made him believe me when I told him I didn't feel neglected or unhappy. I'll admit that I didn't love how little I got to see him, but it was never such an issue that I ever felt like things weren't working out. Every moment I had with him was so precious and so special that it made all the time I didn't see him worth it. The anticipation of the next time I'd get to be with him made every day better.

I still feel like he made a wrong decision...I still can't see how anything was so bad that he felt like we weren't working. I just can't figure it out. It feels so unfair. I still have a million things I want to say to him that I was unable to say in the moment. Things I need to say to him, but I just don't know that I'll ever be able to. Things that I'm afraid will turn him further away from me when what I really want is for them to convince him that he belongs with me.

Mutually Satisfying Weirdness

Sometimes I miss him so much I think about driving to his apartment, banging on his door, and begging that he take me back. The thought of going one more day without him is sometimes so overwhelming that I just don't know what to do with myself.

Yesterday was the one month mark. One month since one of the worst days of my life, the day he told me "we just aren't working as a couple". I knew we were struggling with some things, but I never saw any of them as reasons not to stick it out. We loved eachother and I thought that meant not giving up just because things got a little tricky.

A while back, at church, we talked about praying honest prayers...and I don't think I've ever in my life been more honest with mine. I cry and I beg God to give him back to me...I tell him that I don't want anything else, that I just want Mike to realize that he made a mistake and to come back to me. I feel so lost without him...we had so many plans and now they're gone and I just don't have any idea what to do next. It's really, REALLY hard for me to want to let go of all this and give God control...I mean, I've told Him that is what I want. I've told Him that I need Him to help me and to get me through this and that I know He knows what's best even if I can't see that right now. The only thing I can think about how badly I want to be with Mike and spend the rest of my life with him and the idea of accepting that that may not be the case is just too much.

He was so incredible to me. He was so much more than I ever dreamed I'd find and that leaves me feeling like finding something better is unlikely. He made me feel so safe and so loved. I had no walls up with him. Everything was out in the open. I was ashamed of nothing, embarassed about nothing...I could be myself, completely, 100%. He never made fun of me for anything...he'd tease me about things, but then tell me they were "adorable". He appreciated the things that made me different.

There's a quote I always thought summed us up perfectly...

“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.”

  That's exactly how it felt with him. Things that a lot of other people would think were weird about him I found to be insanely attractive and I loved that he was unique. Things that are weird about me, he adored. We really did have a "mutually satisfying weirdness"...and it was love. For me, anyway, it was the most indescribable, amazing feeling I'd ever experienced. I was convinced that nothing could come between us. That we had a bond that was so strong that other people would be jealous.

I just don't know how to move past this. How do you let go of the one thing you want more than anything else in the world? How do you accept that the person that you love with every fiber of your being doesn't love you anymore? Or, even if he does, how do you go on knowing he just doesn't want to be with you? I've never gone through anything like this before and I just don't know.

One Day at a Time

I had a couple days last week that were decent. By decent, I mean I managed to eat and feel mostly normal while at work (instead of all stressed out). But then I'd eventually have a moment of intense emotion at some point in the day, usually once I'd gotten home and relaxed. I know for a fact not a single day has gone by since the breakup that I haven't cried.

I have never had so many dreams about one person before. I dream about him almost every night. Never a big, detailed dream...just little snippets. The one I had 2 nights ago involved being at his daughter's birthday party and we found ourselves alone outside for a moment. He grabbed me in a hug and told me he missed me terribly and that we would be back together soon. So, of course, I woke up feeling ecstatic for about 3 seconds, and then reality hit and it just made me all upset again. I almost always wake up right after the dream, and unfortunately they all tend to happen right in the middle of the night, so I'm awake at 2 or 3am.

The last two days I've been really down. Trying to be upbeat has required huge effort and I've felt on the edge of  tears almost the entire time. On top of it all, I don't feel well. Every time I eat, my stomach hurts and I feel like I need to throw up. My head and eyes hurt. I have no energy. I just want to do nothing. I haven't had much drive to do anything this entire 3.5 weeks (my gosh, has it been that long already?) but for some reason being out and about yesterday and today was almost more than I could handle. I feel like a party pooper, and I hate it.

Today was particularly difficult as I went out with some friends that I haven't hung out w/ in ages after church. I rode w/ a couple who is engaged and getting married next month. I watched him open her car door for her and thought about how my routine with Mike was that he always opened my door and then leaned in and kissed me after I'd gotten in. I listened to everyone talking about wedding plans and it made me think about the plans I'd been making and how now they weren't going to happen. I watched my friend pay for his fiancee's meal...that was something I'd never really experienced before being with Mike. I loved being able to treat him from time to time, but he pretty much always paid. He was so good to me and took such good care of me and I miss it so much.

I miss my morning wake up calls and the "Sleep well, my dear. I love you," text I would get every night. I miss his hugs and his kisses and the notes he use to always leave me where he called me "my Jamie". I miss how he use to brush my hair out of my face and the times we'd kiss eachother in the pantry in the kitchen so his daughter wouldn't see us. I miss how safe and comfortable he made me feel, and how vulnerable I was able to be with him because I knew he loved me. I miss the joking and the tickling and eating entire cartons of mint chocolate chip ice cream in one sitting. I miss every single thing about him, even the little annoying things he'd do. They were all a part of who he was and I loved him so completely. I still do.

Te Me Manques

For the past 3 weeks, if I've had no plans for after work, I've come home and climbed into bed and spent most (if not all) my afternoon and evening there. Sometimes I sleep, but sometimes I just catch up on my shows on Hulu or read a book. It's not so much that I have no desire to do anything else, it's just that it's the only way I can keep my mind occupied. If I'm doing laundry, I can think about Mike. If I'm cleaning or cooking or whatever, I have time to think about Mike. But if I'm reading or watching TV, my mind is occupied. So that's what I do.

I've been fortunate to be able to meet with lots of different friends at different points along the way, which also helps. My best friend has been wonderful and allows me to come over pretty much whenever (only problem is she doesn't live so close, so it's not terribly convenient). As much as I've wanted to skip out on things because I just haven't felt like getting out of bed, I've been really good about sticking with plans because I know once I'm out and about, I'll feel better.

Even if it's just for a little while.

For some reason, when I'm driving in my car seems to be one of my tears' favorite times to start flowing. I can hardly listen to the radio without some song reminding me of something but I hate not having music, so I'm left with a dilemma. I try to listen to the Christian station, wanting something that will give me some hope or motivation, but instead I find myself listening to songs about God's faithfulness and how much he loves us and I just get upset because, honestly, I don't FEEL that right now.

I know, without a doubt, that God has a plan for me. I really, really do. But I was SO sure that Mike was part of that plan...I had no doubt that God had finally given me the things I've been praying for since I was a little girl...an incredible man who loved me and who was so insanely perfect for me and, in this case, a sweet little munchkin that I was so excited to be a step-parent to. And instead, I feel like my entire future was just ripped away from me and I find myself asking God why He felt I needed to be hurt like this.



I miss him so much...in a way I've never missed someone before. There's a picture floating around in cyberspace that says this:

In French, you don't really say "I miss you", you say "tu me manques", which is closer to "You are missing from me". You are a part of me. You are essential to my being. You are like a limb, an organ, or blood. I cannot function without you.

What I'm really struggling with is how much of that is ok? How much is it ok to feel you "need" someone before it becomes unhealthy? I mean, obviously I'm not dying without him, but I feel incomplete. I feel like something huge and important is missing from my life. I'm not functioning the same without him. It's like if I were missing a limb...I'd be going in circles and being off balance for a while, trying to adjust to life without that important part. That's exactly how it feels. He's supposed to be with me, but he's not, and I just haven't quite figured out how to function without him.

The thing is, he told me that one of the issues was that he thought I depended too much on him for my happiness. He felt too responsible for my emotional well-being. The thing is, I feel like there's a certain amount of responsibility on both people in a relationship for the other person in that regard...No, my world shouldn't come to a screeching halt when things are bad. I shouldn't only BE happy when things are perfect between us. But that's not how it was. I was happy because he was in my life, period. Sure, I got upset at times when we had some tough moments, but it never made me not happy overall, it just made me bummed for the moment. I knew we could work through it and move on. And now that he's gone, I've had to go one with my life. I haven't shut down or cut people out or stopped going to work.  I've been powering through it, which has been SO hard, but I've done it because I know it's what I need to do. So, again, I just don't know how much is ok to let the other person affect you. I mean, if I just never let anything affect me, ever, from anyone, then what kind of person would I be? Stone cold, I'd say.

I think I just love with all that I am, with every fiber of my being. I'm compassionate and I'm giving and I loved doing things for him and he just took it the wrong way. I keep seeing all these things on Pinterest, quotes about the kind of person you don't let go of...and every single one of those I see makes me think "He had that in me. He had someone who would love him unconditionally, who would fight for him, who thought the world of him...but he let go." And it hurts.

Toothbrush

The other day I moved my toothbrush out of the drawer in the bathroom and started keeping it in a jar by the sink. Mike's toothbrush is still in the drawer. That is it's home and I can't bring myself to get rid of it, but it hurts me every time I see it. So, I just took mine out so I don't have to open the drawer anymore.

I have a pile on my dresser of all the notes he's written me, receipts, ticket stubs, and all the mementos I've gathered from dates we've gone on. I keep thinking I should find a box to put everything in, but the idea of boxing it up just breaks my heart. So, for now, it will sit in a pile...maybe a hopeful pile...hopeful that maybe, somehow, things will get added to it and it won't have to be boxed up.

His pictures are still up around my room. I had such an emotional reaction to removing his photo from the background of my phone that I just haven't been able to take the rest down. I don't really look at them much...I just feel like it hurts less to just not deal with them than it would to remove them.



We both eat Girl Scout Thin Mints by freezing them and breaking them up into a bowl of milk. Now, I have three boxes of them and I just can't bring myself to eat them because all I can think about is how funny it was that he eats them the way I do.

I have a huge jar of Hot Tamales because we both LOVE them (another coincidence!). I would randomly bring him a bag or container full of them when I dropped food off for him or whenever we had plans. Now I have this huge, half empty jar sitting on my counter and I can't eat those, either, because they were for him.

I'm halfway through "The Smart Step-Family", one of the books we were going to read together and discuss. I really want to finish reading it because it was really good...but it's pointless now. I hate not finishing books.

I shared every single one of my favorite songs with him so now they all make me cry. We had sing-alongs to all our favorite musical soundtracks (Rent, Moulin Rouge, Phantom of the Opera) so I can't listen to any of those without getting all upset. I wanted to buy Les Miserables when it came out on DVD but that was our first date so, you guessed it, I can't do it.

I know that, overall, I'm doing better. I'm eating now, which is a huge improvement. I still can't eat much and lots of what I do eat makes me feel sick, but for the first 10 days or so I was unable to eat at all. I don't cry as much, but I still cry a lot and it still hits me at the most annoying times.

Work has gotten a little better. That first week after the breakup was torture and while I still don't feel like I have the energy to deal with the kids, at least I don't want to scream at them to leave me alone like I did the first week.

But even though things are better, I still can't help but think about what I lost. I still feel like I lost something I wasn't supposed to lose. I have dreams all the time about him, sometimes multiple in one night. One night he came back to me and told me he made a mistake and wanted me back. And the next night I found out he was dating someone else already. In one dream I was on Facebook and he had posted some statuses that let me know that he missed me and was really sad and lonely without me. And then another time, he proposed to me. And I wake up in the morning feeling like I would if those things had really happened, until reality kicks in a few seconds later.

One morning last week my sister called me when I was still sleeping...when I was awakened by the ringtone, my first thought was that it was my daily wake-up call from Mike and I was SO happy...and then I looked at the caller ID and saw that I was wrong.

The thought of completely letting go and giving up any hope of being with him down the road is just more than I can handle, but at the same time I don't want to hold on to something that won't happen. It leaves me in this constant state of "WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??"

Every day, I pray to God to help me know what the next step needs to be. In the midst of those prayers I tell him that what I really want is for Mike to come back to me, and for things to somehow work out there. It's so hard to pray for God's will when the only thing I want is the one that I lost.

Broken

Two and a half weeks ago things took a very unexpected turn.

The man I love more than anything in this world told me he didn't think we were working as a couple and he ended our relationship.

Needless to say, I've been a mess ever since. The afternoon it happened I was delivering a dinner to him that I had spent approximately 6 hours on if you count the time it took to go shopping for the ingredients. I had spent a long time trying to find something that was gluten free (for me),  fit his strict diet rules, and didn't contain chicken (his little one doesn't like it!). It was quite a task, but I finally found something. I'll be honest, I didn't love it and was disappointed after spending so much time, but it was edible.

So I show up at his work as he's leaving so I can drop it off before heading to babysit. I remembered that I didn't have to be there as early as I thought, so I asked him to get in the car and talk to me for a few minutes since he was actually out earlier than normal as well.

Maybe, if I hadn't asked him to talk to me, things wouldn't have happened the way they did. If I had just dropped it off and went on my way, we could have had more time for him to change his mind about ending things?

I keep thinking, over and over, about things I could have said that might have changed things...did I just let it go too easily? Did I not fight hard enough?

I just don't know. All I know is that I have never, ever in my life felt the emptiness in my soul that I feel since that day. It's so hard to describe...sometimes I feel like I can't catch my breath, like there's this weight on my chest. Sometimes I feel absolutely nothing. Sometimes, all I can do is cry.

The thing is, I've cried a lot about things in the past. I went through a bad time last year...I had been seeing this guy and he just disappeared on me when I thought things were great. I reacted pretty strongly to it which then led to a lot of my friends thinking I was just a mess and they stopped talking to me. These two things together put me in quite a funk and I cried a LOT last year.

But losing this one is so different...It's a very different kind of hurt, a different kind of crying. It's the emotional, heart and gut-wrenching kind of crying that has me on the floor because I lose the strength to stand. They are tears of a broken, busted heart.

I was so blissfully happy with him. I was so in love. I believed, with everything in me, that I would marry him and I'd been telling people that from the beginning. I wanted that so much. I felt like everything I'd been praying for and waiting for and longing for had FINALLY been given to me. Everything in my life was better because of him...Even things I didn't particularly enjoy before were suddenly more enjoyable because of his presence in my life.

Now, I just feel lost. I have no direction and very little joy in my life. So many of the projects and things I was working on were things that I was motivated to do based on the future I thought I was going to have. I figured I'd be marrying him and moving in with him later this year, so I've been going through all my stuff and SERIOUSLY condensing (parting with things I should have parted with long ago but never could) because I know we'd probably have less space than I have where I am now. I was working on ideas for a painting for his daughter's bedroom. I was researching plans and ideas for something I wanted to make for him for his birthday as well as compiling a scrapbook of all of the things we've done together. I've been working on making a lot of home-made products (deodorant, shampoo, laundry soap, face wash, cleaning supplies, etc) because we both like the idea of getting rid of chemicals and because it would save us money. I suddenly found myself wanting to be more frugal with everything because I knew that would help us.

 So, I've stopped going through my stuff. I've stopped cooking. I have no desire to work on any projects because the ones I was working on no longer apply. I can barely keep up with my laundry.

Oh, and the orchid he bought me is dead. The one he told me I "had to keep alive". I have never had good luck w/ orchids.

I feel like there's this big, empty hole in my chest. Like my heart is gone. I gave it to him and he broke it into tiny, tiny pieces and I just don't know when it will feel whole again.