These days, I don't have very many dreams that I remember, but last night I had a really crazy one. Some of the dream stemmed from things that I've seen /things I've done / people I've talked to over the past few days, but some of it was just completely random.
So here we go.
I was going to Denver, Colorado with my friend Garet (Garet and I had a nice chat at church the other night, so I figure that's why he was in my dream). We get to this hotel and we walk in the doors, thinking they're the main doors, but they actually lead us straight into someone's room. We continue walking, feeling awkward but thinking "let's just walk through real fast, and they won't notice". We had to walk through 4 rooms before finally finding the lobby. We get to the lobby and Garet says he's going to go check in. Apparently the check-in desk was not in the lobby, because he's gone for the rest of the dream.
As I'm waiting, I see my friend Lauren walking down the stairs. Walking behind her is Sarah Palin, talking on her cell phone. My reaction is "Holy crap, what are the chances of Lauren and me being in the same hotel in a different state at the same time? And how cool is it that she's hanging out w/ Sarah Palin!" Lauren, however, seems completely unsurprised and remains very professional, standing by Sarah, holding her little clipboard. I follow them out to the parking lot where I ask her if I can get a picture w/ Sarah, and Lauren says "She's a very busy woman, I'm going to have to say no." Needless to say, I was pretty disappointed.
So then we jump to another segment, and this one actually happened in those moments right before it's time to wake up, when I'm half awake and half asleep. Last night I watched an episode of CSI where they found a girl, dead, who looked like she had literally been scared to death. She had her eyes wide open and her fists clenched over her chest. Anyway, this girl was in my dream...in that exact same position....only she was alive and she was very scared and freaked out. I'm not sure if I was a CSI person in this dream or what, but I was in her hospital room talking to her, trying to figure out what had happened to her. She's crying and very upset, and she says, through her tears, "I...was....having...PUPPIES!"
Yeah. And the funny part about this, is that I reacted like it was not unrealistic. Odd, but not impossible.
And that was when I woke up and realized I had slept 30 minutes later than I wanted to. :)
The end.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
My Life, Lately
A lot of people have been wondering exactly what's been going on w/ me lately, so I figure I'll just answer everyone's questions all in one place. I'll go back to the beginning of September and start from there.
It all started when I had to say goodbye to a very, very dear friend. She was going to Romania, and not returning for 9 months. I knew this would be hard, as we spent a lot of time together and a lot of time on the phone. She was one of those friends I could call and plan something with at the drop of a hat. We laughed ourselves silly on Monday nights watching The Bachelorette and went to the Loop for FroYo and Chipotle a little too often. I knew I would miss her when she left, but I really had no idea just how much. I've had to say goodbye to friends before, for periods of time the same length or longer...but this was different. I would get off work after a hard day and pick up my phone to call her, only to remember that I couldn't. I'd rush home to see if she was on Skype. Sometimes she is, sometimes she's not. It was really hard to go from being able to call someone any time I wanted to, to only being able to talk to her if we happened to be on Skype at the same time.
I started feeling really strange shortly after this. I started feeling very anti-social (which you know is NOT me at all). I would find myself at church or work or out with friends and all I could think about was how much longer I had until I could leave. To go home and curl up in bed and go to sleep. I would come home from work, after only 5 1/2 hours on the job, and crash for 3 or 4 hours in the afternoon. Then, I would still be ready to fall asleep around 9:00. I started realizing that the reason I didn't want to be out being social was because it drained me. It took every bit of energy and effort I had to be myself around all these people. Things that I normally enjoyed were no longer enjoyable for me because it just took too much out of me. I started thinking maybe I was depressed, but really the only thing in my life that I really felt I was sad about was missing Kerstyn...and I didn't think that was enough of a reason to make me depressed. Plus, it is still nice and sunny and summery outside. If it were winter, it would be more understandable because I always feel a little down during the colder months.
I started trying to think of other reasons why I might be depressed. Sure, a lot of small-ish things had happened over the past month. I broke my camera (which for me really isn't small...it's kinda huge). I got in a car accident (not a bad one, but it sure has been a hassle dealing with it). I went to get new contacts, expecting them to cost me around $35 and they cost me almost $80, which really annoyed me because I can't help it that one of my eyes is extra bad and needs a special lens. I've gained just enough weight since last year that most of my fall/winter clothing doesn't fit me and I don't have the money to buy a whole new wardrobe. I'm fighting with my dad more often than not these days. My mom thinks there's something "wrong" with me, and that that's why I'm still single (yeah, that conversation really hurt). My parents, overall, have not been very understanding of the way I've been feeling lately. Their basic attitude, as far as I can tell, is "Suck it up and get over it, Jamie." (Which is exactly what I need right now.) Oh, and on top of all of this I'm just feeling overly stressed out at work.
So anyway, I decided to go see a chiropractor after my car accident. I figured if my insurance covered everything, I may as well take advantage of it. Well, as it turns out, there's a whole lot more wrong w/ me than just what the car wreck caused. My chiropractor is also an internal health specialist, so he determined after a few tests that I had adrenal fatigue. My blood pressure went down (instead of up) when I would stand up, which explained why I sometimes felt lightheaded or why it was such an effort for me to get out of a chair and walk across a room. The adrenal fatigue is caused by stress and causes depression, so really it all made sense.
During my second visit, he decided to put me on a really strict diet for a while. Basically, I could eat meat and cooked veggies and a whole lotta water. Yay. No sugar, caffeine, dairy, carbs, and a whole list of other things. It was really rough getting through the first few days w/out the caffeine, and the cravings were almost unbearable for all the things I couldn't have. But I was strong, and it produced the results he was hoping for. After the last visit I was allowed to add raw veggies and salad and fruit. It has helped to be able to have the fruit, but I'm still rather bored. I really want some sushi, Chipotle, froyo, a Banzai burger from Red Robin, coffee, a cream soda, and the pumpkin ice cream that is in my freezer.
Then, to top all of THAT off, I find out I have a gluten intolerance. Greeeaaaaaaaat. So that means even after I'm off this diet, I still can't have bread, pasta, anything made with wheat or wheat flour, or a whole list of other things.
So, stacking all of these new restrictions on me haven't helped. I mean, yes, they've helped me feel better. I don't crash after work anymore, and if I do it's only for 15 or 20 minutes, not 3 or 4 hours. But I'm just not happy about it. I'm really struggling a lot more than people might think. It's not like I just have to cut a few things out...it's a LOT of things. I was looking online at local restaurants that have gluten free menus. I saw one for the Macaroni Grill and thought maybe they had gluten-free pasta. But no, the menu basically said to order certain dishes WITHOUT the pasta. Chick-Fil-A also has a gluten free meal. It's called a grilled chicken sandwich minus the sandwich. Fun.
So that's what's been going on with me. I'm still not feeling 100%. I still struggle with getting worn out very fast, but it's SO much better than it was before. I really believe this diet has something to do w/ it getting better, as I've read that people w/ gluten issues have similar problems. So, as for now I'm just trying to deal w/ basically a complete lifestyle change. I'm having intense cravings for things I can't have, and I need them to go away soon. I've been off caffeine now for a week and two days so I think if (more realistically, WHEN) I start drinking coffee again, I will drink decaf and not have it every day. And as much as I LOOOOOVE my cream soda, that will be a special treat here and there, not something I keep stocked in my fridge. The other hard part is that I am supposed to eat every 2 hours, which is really hard to do, especially since I have to have protein and the easiest protein to cart around is a bag of nuts....but I'm not allowed to have nuts at work. Ugh. Yeah, it's been interesting trying to figure that one out, but I'll get it one of these days.
On a happy note, because gluten intolerance and Celiac Disease are becoming more and more common, more options are available to us now. I've been doing some research and have found a few kinds of bread that are ok for me to eat that people say are as good as "real" bread. (Unfortunately, they cost $6 a loaf!). Bisquick makes a gluten-free bisquick mix, as well as several cake and cookie mixes, and all of those mixes have TONS of recipes that they can be used in. For example, I can make pumpkin chocolate chip cookies using the chocolate chip cookie mix, and banana bread with the yellow cake mix and a few extra ingredients. :)
And that has been my life, lately.
It all started when I had to say goodbye to a very, very dear friend. She was going to Romania, and not returning for 9 months. I knew this would be hard, as we spent a lot of time together and a lot of time on the phone. She was one of those friends I could call and plan something with at the drop of a hat. We laughed ourselves silly on Monday nights watching The Bachelorette and went to the Loop for FroYo and Chipotle a little too often. I knew I would miss her when she left, but I really had no idea just how much. I've had to say goodbye to friends before, for periods of time the same length or longer...but this was different. I would get off work after a hard day and pick up my phone to call her, only to remember that I couldn't. I'd rush home to see if she was on Skype. Sometimes she is, sometimes she's not. It was really hard to go from being able to call someone any time I wanted to, to only being able to talk to her if we happened to be on Skype at the same time.
I started feeling really strange shortly after this. I started feeling very anti-social (which you know is NOT me at all). I would find myself at church or work or out with friends and all I could think about was how much longer I had until I could leave. To go home and curl up in bed and go to sleep. I would come home from work, after only 5 1/2 hours on the job, and crash for 3 or 4 hours in the afternoon. Then, I would still be ready to fall asleep around 9:00. I started realizing that the reason I didn't want to be out being social was because it drained me. It took every bit of energy and effort I had to be myself around all these people. Things that I normally enjoyed were no longer enjoyable for me because it just took too much out of me. I started thinking maybe I was depressed, but really the only thing in my life that I really felt I was sad about was missing Kerstyn...and I didn't think that was enough of a reason to make me depressed. Plus, it is still nice and sunny and summery outside. If it were winter, it would be more understandable because I always feel a little down during the colder months.
I started trying to think of other reasons why I might be depressed. Sure, a lot of small-ish things had happened over the past month. I broke my camera (which for me really isn't small...it's kinda huge). I got in a car accident (not a bad one, but it sure has been a hassle dealing with it). I went to get new contacts, expecting them to cost me around $35 and they cost me almost $80, which really annoyed me because I can't help it that one of my eyes is extra bad and needs a special lens. I've gained just enough weight since last year that most of my fall/winter clothing doesn't fit me and I don't have the money to buy a whole new wardrobe. I'm fighting with my dad more often than not these days. My mom thinks there's something "wrong" with me, and that that's why I'm still single (yeah, that conversation really hurt). My parents, overall, have not been very understanding of the way I've been feeling lately. Their basic attitude, as far as I can tell, is "Suck it up and get over it, Jamie." (Which is exactly what I need right now.) Oh, and on top of all of this I'm just feeling overly stressed out at work.
So anyway, I decided to go see a chiropractor after my car accident. I figured if my insurance covered everything, I may as well take advantage of it. Well, as it turns out, there's a whole lot more wrong w/ me than just what the car wreck caused. My chiropractor is also an internal health specialist, so he determined after a few tests that I had adrenal fatigue. My blood pressure went down (instead of up) when I would stand up, which explained why I sometimes felt lightheaded or why it was such an effort for me to get out of a chair and walk across a room. The adrenal fatigue is caused by stress and causes depression, so really it all made sense.
During my second visit, he decided to put me on a really strict diet for a while. Basically, I could eat meat and cooked veggies and a whole lotta water. Yay. No sugar, caffeine, dairy, carbs, and a whole list of other things. It was really rough getting through the first few days w/out the caffeine, and the cravings were almost unbearable for all the things I couldn't have. But I was strong, and it produced the results he was hoping for. After the last visit I was allowed to add raw veggies and salad and fruit. It has helped to be able to have the fruit, but I'm still rather bored. I really want some sushi, Chipotle, froyo, a Banzai burger from Red Robin, coffee, a cream soda, and the pumpkin ice cream that is in my freezer.
Then, to top all of THAT off, I find out I have a gluten intolerance. Greeeaaaaaaaat. So that means even after I'm off this diet, I still can't have bread, pasta, anything made with wheat or wheat flour, or a whole list of other things.
So, stacking all of these new restrictions on me haven't helped. I mean, yes, they've helped me feel better. I don't crash after work anymore, and if I do it's only for 15 or 20 minutes, not 3 or 4 hours. But I'm just not happy about it. I'm really struggling a lot more than people might think. It's not like I just have to cut a few things out...it's a LOT of things. I was looking online at local restaurants that have gluten free menus. I saw one for the Macaroni Grill and thought maybe they had gluten-free pasta. But no, the menu basically said to order certain dishes WITHOUT the pasta. Chick-Fil-A also has a gluten free meal. It's called a grilled chicken sandwich minus the sandwich. Fun.
So that's what's been going on with me. I'm still not feeling 100%. I still struggle with getting worn out very fast, but it's SO much better than it was before. I really believe this diet has something to do w/ it getting better, as I've read that people w/ gluten issues have similar problems. So, as for now I'm just trying to deal w/ basically a complete lifestyle change. I'm having intense cravings for things I can't have, and I need them to go away soon. I've been off caffeine now for a week and two days so I think if (more realistically, WHEN) I start drinking coffee again, I will drink decaf and not have it every day. And as much as I LOOOOOVE my cream soda, that will be a special treat here and there, not something I keep stocked in my fridge. The other hard part is that I am supposed to eat every 2 hours, which is really hard to do, especially since I have to have protein and the easiest protein to cart around is a bag of nuts....but I'm not allowed to have nuts at work. Ugh. Yeah, it's been interesting trying to figure that one out, but I'll get it one of these days.
On a happy note, because gluten intolerance and Celiac Disease are becoming more and more common, more options are available to us now. I've been doing some research and have found a few kinds of bread that are ok for me to eat that people say are as good as "real" bread. (Unfortunately, they cost $6 a loaf!). Bisquick makes a gluten-free bisquick mix, as well as several cake and cookie mixes, and all of those mixes have TONS of recipes that they can be used in. For example, I can make pumpkin chocolate chip cookies using the chocolate chip cookie mix, and banana bread with the yellow cake mix and a few extra ingredients. :)
And that has been my life, lately.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Back to School
So, the school year is off to a good start. This is our third week, but our first FULL week. It was nice to kinda ease into it (3 day week first, then a 4 day week before this one), but this week sure has felt long.
For some reason I'm finding the early mornings easier than they were last year. I'm not really sure why that is. I'm still going to bed late like I usually do. I actually get up earlier because it takes me longer to get there now than it did before I moved. I still don't LIKE the early mornings, but I don't hate them quite as much as I use to.
And honestly, the first hour of the day is so nice...Kat and I arrive at 7. We turn the coffee pot on. We go set up our classrooms. And then for the next 40 minutes or so we sit at a table and have coffee while the children play. It's very easy and relaxing, and sometimes she brings me these yummy Korean cookies for breakfast. :)
School starts at 8am. The children trickle in slowly over the next half hour. We shake their hands and say good morning, but a few of them hug me, too. :)
We have a really good group this year. A few are a bit of a handful, but what else can you expect in a room with 23 children who range from 2 1/2 to 6 years old? Overall it's a great group. Seeing the progress that so many of them have made since starting in the room last year is really cool. Seeing them grow and mature and develope their personalities.
One little guy is so stinking cute with his newly developed manners. (Please, thank you, I'm sorry, excuse me, etc). They literally just kinda showed up overnight. Today I sat at his table at lunch and he said "I like your shirt." and I said "Thank you, I like yours too." and he looks down and smiles and pats his shirt and says "Well, thank you!" He asks me to cut his sandwich into "sailboats" (triangles) because it's easier for him to eat that way. The first day I asked him if he wanted it cut, he said "Well, that's a GREAT idea!" I wish I could tell you exactly how he said it...just picture a 3 year old little boy acting really happy and you've probably got it. :)
There's another girl who always wants to help me with everything. She always wants a job to do. She empties the recycling bin. She loads and unloads the dishwasher. She pulls weeds in the garden. The first day I asked her to do trash, she didn't want to, but when she realized that other children LIKE taking the trash out, now she wants to do it all the time. She gives me more hugs in one day than I can keep track of, and I love it.
I could keep going with the stories, but I won't for now. I will end by saying that I think the kind of work I do has to be one of the most rewarding jobs. Even when I have rough days, all it takes is one of those adorable faces smiling at me and I feel better. If I'm gone for a day (or sometimes just coming back from a weekend) everyone tells me they missed me. I just love it. I may go home worn out at the end of the day, but I also go home feeling loved, and I don't know a whole lot of other jobs that leave you feeling that way at the end of the day.
:)
For some reason I'm finding the early mornings easier than they were last year. I'm not really sure why that is. I'm still going to bed late like I usually do. I actually get up earlier because it takes me longer to get there now than it did before I moved. I still don't LIKE the early mornings, but I don't hate them quite as much as I use to.
And honestly, the first hour of the day is so nice...Kat and I arrive at 7. We turn the coffee pot on. We go set up our classrooms. And then for the next 40 minutes or so we sit at a table and have coffee while the children play. It's very easy and relaxing, and sometimes she brings me these yummy Korean cookies for breakfast. :)
School starts at 8am. The children trickle in slowly over the next half hour. We shake their hands and say good morning, but a few of them hug me, too. :)
We have a really good group this year. A few are a bit of a handful, but what else can you expect in a room with 23 children who range from 2 1/2 to 6 years old? Overall it's a great group. Seeing the progress that so many of them have made since starting in the room last year is really cool. Seeing them grow and mature and develope their personalities.
One little guy is so stinking cute with his newly developed manners. (Please, thank you, I'm sorry, excuse me, etc). They literally just kinda showed up overnight. Today I sat at his table at lunch and he said "I like your shirt." and I said "Thank you, I like yours too." and he looks down and smiles and pats his shirt and says "Well, thank you!" He asks me to cut his sandwich into "sailboats" (triangles) because it's easier for him to eat that way. The first day I asked him if he wanted it cut, he said "Well, that's a GREAT idea!" I wish I could tell you exactly how he said it...just picture a 3 year old little boy acting really happy and you've probably got it. :)
There's another girl who always wants to help me with everything. She always wants a job to do. She empties the recycling bin. She loads and unloads the dishwasher. She pulls weeds in the garden. The first day I asked her to do trash, she didn't want to, but when she realized that other children LIKE taking the trash out, now she wants to do it all the time. She gives me more hugs in one day than I can keep track of, and I love it.
I could keep going with the stories, but I won't for now. I will end by saying that I think the kind of work I do has to be one of the most rewarding jobs. Even when I have rough days, all it takes is one of those adorable faces smiling at me and I feel better. If I'm gone for a day (or sometimes just coming back from a weekend) everyone tells me they missed me. I just love it. I may go home worn out at the end of the day, but I also go home feeling loved, and I don't know a whole lot of other jobs that leave you feeling that way at the end of the day.
:)
Friday, July 16, 2010
Internet Dating
So, I did something that I never thought I would do and I joined an internet dating site. It was very spur-of-the-moment and I only did it because a few friends have tried it and recommended it, and because they were having a special where the monthly membership was almost cut in half.
For the first day it kept telling me the site was unable to find any matches for me, but to remain patient as "thousands of people sign up every day!". My first thought was "Are you kidding me? Millions of people on this site and they can't find ANY that are compatible with me?"
I mean...I know I have some quirks, but doesn't everyone? Everything about me fits right in w/ my personality type, so really I'm not abnormal as far as I can tell.
So finally by the next morning I get six matches. None interest me, so I immediately close them. Six more the next day. And six a day for the next few weeks. There are a couple that I keep open as "maybes" but I refuse to make the first move. Not because I'm a chicken (haha, well...that may be part of it) but really because I want to be pursued and I feel it's the guy's job to make the first move.
Anyway, I had one guy contact me that I didn't even bother with because there was NOTHING about him that interested me. Another guy I got through step one and then I closed him out, too. This third guy...I just finished step 3....and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about actually getting to the email step.
Thing is, this is NOT how I want to meet someone. I just can't see going on a date w/ someone that I'm not friends with first. My only two relationships, even though they weren't good, started off w/ friendship. Maybe not a great one, but we spent a lot of time hanging out before we ended up in a relationship. We kindof eased into it. It made the whole thing much easier and more comfortable. I would imagine you can develop a pretty decent friendship via email if both parties were very interested in the other, but in this case I'm NOT intersted in this guy and I don't think I ever will be. I just feel like I need to give it a shot and see, although chances are I'll read over his profile 30 times until I find something (even if it's tiny) that I don't like and I'll blow it up in my mind and make it a bigger deal than it is and then use it as my reason not to ever meet the guy. This is just what I do.
A couple years back I started hanging out with a guy (that I met online) who was the "type" of guy I should like. A strong Christian, had his own house and a really good job. Someone that, by most girls's standards, was probably very attractive (although I wasn't attracted to him at all). I remember going out w/ him one night and wondering why I wasn't interested in him, but then halfway through the night I found myself looking for every possible reason NOT to be interested. Granted, he made it kindof easy beacuse he barely talked to me at dinner and then disappeared for fairly long periods of time here and there.
I don't really know why I do it. I think it's because when I meet the kind of guy I should be interested in, I freak out if he's interested back because I think "What if this is THE guy? Or what if it's NOT the guy, and I fall for him and then I don't KNOW that he's not the guy because I"m so focused on what I'm supposed to want in a man?" I overanalyze and I nitpick and I basically don't even give some guys a chance that maybe I should have.
But at the same time, I feel like my uber-pickiness has saved me from lots of awkward dates and "I'm just not into you" types of conversations.
So...I'm stressing out over this whole internet dating thing. I don't want to meet someone online, at least not on a dating site. I mean, I get really stinkin lonely, lonely to the point that I want to call my ex and hang out with him just because I would feel less lonely and more desireable. (That's right...he still calls me and tells me how much he misses me. It's been over a year since I last saw him.) I sometimes feel a little hopeless....but not completely hopeless, and I guess I look at trying to meet someone online as desperate. (I understand that it's not that way for a lot of people, so please don't think I'm judging you if you're also on dating sites...I'm just telling MY thoughts on it, based on my experiences.)
So anyway. By tomorrow this "Jeff" guy will probably be gone from my list of matches because I'll find something about him I don't like. And it all stems from this ridiculous fear of going on a date w/ someone that I met over the internet and who I don't have a friendship foundation with.
Ok. Maybe it's not a ridiculous reason. I just feel like if the first time you meet someone it's a "date" then you are already guaranteed to have to have the whole "So where is this going" conversation. If you are FRIENDS first, and I mean GOOD friends, and you know lots about eachother, you know that you like spending time together, you have similar interests, goals, and desires, etc....well, then you don't have to go on an awkward date to figure out if you're into eachother. You already know how you feel about the person, and you just continue hanging out and let things kinda naturally happen.
At least that's how my ideal situation would work out. :)
So yeah, now that's out there...it was something I was a little ashamed of, but I feel like telling people about it at the same time that I tell them how I feel about it makes it a little less embarassing. I went into this thing w/ no hopes or expectations. I actually am more annoyed with it than anything, and wish I could just get my money back and get off the site. It's just WEIRD!!!!!!!
For the first day it kept telling me the site was unable to find any matches for me, but to remain patient as "thousands of people sign up every day!". My first thought was "Are you kidding me? Millions of people on this site and they can't find ANY that are compatible with me?"
I mean...I know I have some quirks, but doesn't everyone? Everything about me fits right in w/ my personality type, so really I'm not abnormal as far as I can tell.
So finally by the next morning I get six matches. None interest me, so I immediately close them. Six more the next day. And six a day for the next few weeks. There are a couple that I keep open as "maybes" but I refuse to make the first move. Not because I'm a chicken (haha, well...that may be part of it) but really because I want to be pursued and I feel it's the guy's job to make the first move.
Anyway, I had one guy contact me that I didn't even bother with because there was NOTHING about him that interested me. Another guy I got through step one and then I closed him out, too. This third guy...I just finished step 3....and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about actually getting to the email step.
Thing is, this is NOT how I want to meet someone. I just can't see going on a date w/ someone that I'm not friends with first. My only two relationships, even though they weren't good, started off w/ friendship. Maybe not a great one, but we spent a lot of time hanging out before we ended up in a relationship. We kindof eased into it. It made the whole thing much easier and more comfortable. I would imagine you can develop a pretty decent friendship via email if both parties were very interested in the other, but in this case I'm NOT intersted in this guy and I don't think I ever will be. I just feel like I need to give it a shot and see, although chances are I'll read over his profile 30 times until I find something (even if it's tiny) that I don't like and I'll blow it up in my mind and make it a bigger deal than it is and then use it as my reason not to ever meet the guy. This is just what I do.
A couple years back I started hanging out with a guy (that I met online) who was the "type" of guy I should like. A strong Christian, had his own house and a really good job. Someone that, by most girls's standards, was probably very attractive (although I wasn't attracted to him at all). I remember going out w/ him one night and wondering why I wasn't interested in him, but then halfway through the night I found myself looking for every possible reason NOT to be interested. Granted, he made it kindof easy beacuse he barely talked to me at dinner and then disappeared for fairly long periods of time here and there.
I don't really know why I do it. I think it's because when I meet the kind of guy I should be interested in, I freak out if he's interested back because I think "What if this is THE guy? Or what if it's NOT the guy, and I fall for him and then I don't KNOW that he's not the guy because I"m so focused on what I'm supposed to want in a man?" I overanalyze and I nitpick and I basically don't even give some guys a chance that maybe I should have.
But at the same time, I feel like my uber-pickiness has saved me from lots of awkward dates and "I'm just not into you" types of conversations.
So...I'm stressing out over this whole internet dating thing. I don't want to meet someone online, at least not on a dating site. I mean, I get really stinkin lonely, lonely to the point that I want to call my ex and hang out with him just because I would feel less lonely and more desireable. (That's right...he still calls me and tells me how much he misses me. It's been over a year since I last saw him.) I sometimes feel a little hopeless....but not completely hopeless, and I guess I look at trying to meet someone online as desperate. (I understand that it's not that way for a lot of people, so please don't think I'm judging you if you're also on dating sites...I'm just telling MY thoughts on it, based on my experiences.)
So anyway. By tomorrow this "Jeff" guy will probably be gone from my list of matches because I'll find something about him I don't like. And it all stems from this ridiculous fear of going on a date w/ someone that I met over the internet and who I don't have a friendship foundation with.
Ok. Maybe it's not a ridiculous reason. I just feel like if the first time you meet someone it's a "date" then you are already guaranteed to have to have the whole "So where is this going" conversation. If you are FRIENDS first, and I mean GOOD friends, and you know lots about eachother, you know that you like spending time together, you have similar interests, goals, and desires, etc....well, then you don't have to go on an awkward date to figure out if you're into eachother. You already know how you feel about the person, and you just continue hanging out and let things kinda naturally happen.
At least that's how my ideal situation would work out. :)
So yeah, now that's out there...it was something I was a little ashamed of, but I feel like telling people about it at the same time that I tell them how I feel about it makes it a little less embarassing. I went into this thing w/ no hopes or expectations. I actually am more annoyed with it than anything, and wish I could just get my money back and get off the site. It's just WEIRD!!!!!!!
Monday, May 24, 2010
The Bachelorette, Week 1
The Remaining 17.
Frank - Retail manager from Chicago. He wears glasses (just an observation, not a judgement). He says that passion is more important than money. He is an aspiring screen writer who quit his big fancy job and moved home to live w/ his parents so he could follow his dream. He appears to have a good sense of humor. He seemed really excited to find out that Ali was the Bachelorette.
Craig M. - Dental Sales, Toronto, Canada. Likes clubbing. Wears pink. Willing to give up everything if he and Ali falls in love. "If I had a really good feeling about it, I'd be on my knee in a second." BUT....Already being that annoying "I don't think _______ is right for her/here for the right reason, but I am." guy, that annoys the crap out of me. Gave her a yellow shoe keychain, he has the other, and hopes that someday they can "pair them up". I think this would be cute if you were actually in a relationship w/ someone, but on a first meeting it's a little weird.
Justin - Pro Wrestler from Toronto. His character is "Mr. Rated R" but he says he's the complete opposite of that character in real life. He's a mama's boy, loves his grandma too. Not a fan of the profession, but I like him. He got the most votes in the "Who's not here for the right reason" vote, but Ali gave him a rose anyway. I'm afraid he'll turn out to be like Wes from the last season, only there to promote himself, but I'm hoping I'm wrong!
Jonathan - Weatherman from Texas. He's FUNNY!! He's cute, but looks super young. A little talkative, too!
Ty - Medical Sales in Tennessee. He's got a cute accent and a cute dog. Also has cute ears that kinda stick out. Plays guitar (yum!). He was married and just divorced recently. Said they just decided to part ways. Not a fan of the fact that he seemed unwilling to work on the marriage and they just took the easy way out, but otherwise I like this guy.
Chris L.- Landscaper from Cape Cod, Massachusettes. Was a teacher in New York but quit to move back home and care for his mom as she was dying. That's huge. He says life is short and he wants to find his soul mate. "If I treated a woman bad, my mom would kill me."
Kirk - Sales consultant from Wisconsin. Made a scrapbook for Ali. Hopefully this is more sweet than creepy. (It was a scrapbook about himself, so she could get to know him.)
Kasey - Advertising Accountant. Can't really understand him cuz his voice is weird. Family is important to him. His dad cheated on his mom and he swears he will never do that to a woman. Good boy. He opens doors for girls, which is fabulous.
Hunter - Internet Account Exec from Texas. Sang her a silly song and played the yukilele.
Craig M. - Already don't like this guy. Has already made fun of some of the other guys, which isn't cool.
Robert0 - Insurance Agent. Likes salsa dancing. Good looking hispanic guy. Has TATTOOS, which makes him even MORE attractive. Mom and dad are still happily married so he's had a good example. Has his own business in Boston. "Love makes everything worth it." I like him.
Jesse - General Contractor from MISSOURI- I think he's my favorite, based on first impression and the cute little necklace he made for Ali.
Steve - Sales Rep from Ohio.
Tyler V - Works in online advertising. From Vermont.
Chris N - Entrepreneur from Florida.
Chris H - Real Estate Development in Canada.
Guys I'm GLAD are gone : The lawyer w/ the really bad hair, and "Shooter".
Guys that NEED to go: Craig M.
Frank - Retail manager from Chicago. He wears glasses (just an observation, not a judgement). He says that passion is more important than money. He is an aspiring screen writer who quit his big fancy job and moved home to live w/ his parents so he could follow his dream. He appears to have a good sense of humor. He seemed really excited to find out that Ali was the Bachelorette.
Craig M. - Dental Sales, Toronto, Canada. Likes clubbing. Wears pink. Willing to give up everything if he and Ali falls in love. "If I had a really good feeling about it, I'd be on my knee in a second." BUT....Already being that annoying "I don't think _______ is right for her/here for the right reason, but I am." guy, that annoys the crap out of me. Gave her a yellow shoe keychain, he has the other, and hopes that someday they can "pair them up". I think this would be cute if you were actually in a relationship w/ someone, but on a first meeting it's a little weird.
Justin - Pro Wrestler from Toronto. His character is "Mr. Rated R" but he says he's the complete opposite of that character in real life. He's a mama's boy, loves his grandma too. Not a fan of the profession, but I like him. He got the most votes in the "Who's not here for the right reason" vote, but Ali gave him a rose anyway. I'm afraid he'll turn out to be like Wes from the last season, only there to promote himself, but I'm hoping I'm wrong!
Jonathan - Weatherman from Texas. He's FUNNY!! He's cute, but looks super young. A little talkative, too!
Ty - Medical Sales in Tennessee. He's got a cute accent and a cute dog. Also has cute ears that kinda stick out. Plays guitar (yum!). He was married and just divorced recently. Said they just decided to part ways. Not a fan of the fact that he seemed unwilling to work on the marriage and they just took the easy way out, but otherwise I like this guy.
Chris L.- Landscaper from Cape Cod, Massachusettes. Was a teacher in New York but quit to move back home and care for his mom as she was dying. That's huge. He says life is short and he wants to find his soul mate. "If I treated a woman bad, my mom would kill me."
Kirk - Sales consultant from Wisconsin. Made a scrapbook for Ali. Hopefully this is more sweet than creepy. (It was a scrapbook about himself, so she could get to know him.)
Kasey - Advertising Accountant. Can't really understand him cuz his voice is weird. Family is important to him. His dad cheated on his mom and he swears he will never do that to a woman. Good boy. He opens doors for girls, which is fabulous.
Hunter - Internet Account Exec from Texas. Sang her a silly song and played the yukilele.
Craig M. - Already don't like this guy. Has already made fun of some of the other guys, which isn't cool.
Robert0 - Insurance Agent. Likes salsa dancing. Good looking hispanic guy. Has TATTOOS, which makes him even MORE attractive. Mom and dad are still happily married so he's had a good example. Has his own business in Boston. "Love makes everything worth it." I like him.
Jesse - General Contractor from MISSOURI- I think he's my favorite, based on first impression and the cute little necklace he made for Ali.
Steve - Sales Rep from Ohio.
Tyler V - Works in online advertising. From Vermont.
Chris N - Entrepreneur from Florida.
Chris H - Real Estate Development in Canada.
Guys I'm GLAD are gone : The lawyer w/ the really bad hair, and "Shooter".
Guys that NEED to go: Craig M.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Thoughts from Tuesday
Tuesday night at Quarterlife one of the things we discussed at our table was what we are able to do now, as singles, that we might not be able to do when we're married.
This has been something I've thought about a lot over the past 9 or 12 months. You see, a lot of my friends would make comments like "I wouldn't be doing __________ as much if I were married" or "I wouldn't be able to do __________ if I was in a relationship." It always confused me a little when people talked like this, because I really felt like things shouldn't change that much. I mean, if I have to give up things that I love doing after I'm married...well, that just doesn't seem right. I use to think I could just keep on doing life the same way I am doing it now (for the most part) and just have a husband who did all of those things w/ me (and of course the things he wanted to do, as well).
But then I realized something. I look at my schedule these days, and there are hardly any evenings when I don't have something planned. Whether it's a class or other church-related event, work function, or getting together w/ a friend for coffee, I'm ALWAYS busy.
So....if I were married, and I was continuing in this lifestyle, then someone (my husband) would be experiencing some serious neglect. Even if he were all about doing all of these things with me...where is our alone time??
I basically figured out that the lifestyle I'm living right now is really only one I can live as a single person. Someday, things will change. I'll have to stop staying out so late (unless my hubby is a night person, too!!). I'll have to say no to more things and not commit to as much as I want to commit to. I won't always be able to just go meet a friend at the drop of a hat. I'll have to plan more.
It's funny to think about, because right now I would be unhappy giving up some of the things I'm involved in. But to think that someday there will be someone in my life that I am so in love with that I can hardly stand to be away from him...well that gives me hope, because I know I won't really have time to miss the things I had to give up. :)
But for right now, I'm in a good place. Sure, I can't wait to meet the guy I will marry...it's something I've longed for my entire life...but overall, I have never been happier with life as I have been this past year and a half.
This has been something I've thought about a lot over the past 9 or 12 months. You see, a lot of my friends would make comments like "I wouldn't be doing __________ as much if I were married" or "I wouldn't be able to do __________ if I was in a relationship." It always confused me a little when people talked like this, because I really felt like things shouldn't change that much. I mean, if I have to give up things that I love doing after I'm married...well, that just doesn't seem right. I use to think I could just keep on doing life the same way I am doing it now (for the most part) and just have a husband who did all of those things w/ me (and of course the things he wanted to do, as well).
But then I realized something. I look at my schedule these days, and there are hardly any evenings when I don't have something planned. Whether it's a class or other church-related event, work function, or getting together w/ a friend for coffee, I'm ALWAYS busy.
So....if I were married, and I was continuing in this lifestyle, then someone (my husband) would be experiencing some serious neglect. Even if he were all about doing all of these things with me...where is our alone time??
I basically figured out that the lifestyle I'm living right now is really only one I can live as a single person. Someday, things will change. I'll have to stop staying out so late (unless my hubby is a night person, too!!). I'll have to say no to more things and not commit to as much as I want to commit to. I won't always be able to just go meet a friend at the drop of a hat. I'll have to plan more.
It's funny to think about, because right now I would be unhappy giving up some of the things I'm involved in. But to think that someday there will be someone in my life that I am so in love with that I can hardly stand to be away from him...well that gives me hope, because I know I won't really have time to miss the things I had to give up. :)
But for right now, I'm in a good place. Sure, I can't wait to meet the guy I will marry...it's something I've longed for my entire life...but overall, I have never been happier with life as I have been this past year and a half.
Monday, March 15, 2010
My Creative Side Doesn't Like Deadlines
Tonight I decided to sit down and be creative. I got my watercolors and paintbrushes and watercolor paper out, fully intending to create a few new pieces similar to a set I did last fall. I did one, and I didn't like it. I did another, and it was even worse. Then I felt no motivation to continue.
You see, I've been comissioned to create some of these paintings for a friend at church. The ones that I really like are 5x7, the other one is 11x17 and it's not my favorite, but I still like it. The ones I tried tonight I tried again on the 11x17 paper. So I came to the conclusion that they just look better small. This is a problem considering that the ones I'm supposed to do for this family are MUCH larger than 11x17. Guess I'll need to buy some bigger brushes.
I also got 4 windows to create more "window art". Thing is, the first window I had sat in my living room for months before I just picked it up one day and went to work, no plan in mind. So now that I have 4 more, and I'm supposed to be doing something for a couple different people, I suddenly don't want to do them anymore. I don't feel creative anymore.
So....basically I have this problem where I can only be creative when it's on my own terms, when I feel like it. You give me guidelines, rules, boundaries, deadlines......and suddenly we have a problem. Well, I have a problem anyway.
I'm not sure why this is. This was a big issue when I was in college, too. One of the main reasons I quit. It just always seems like the moment you turn something I enjoy into something I have to do, I lose interest. (I guess I should say that it really only works that way w/ my artwork....not everything in my life.....cuz that would be a serious problem if that were the case!) I loved photography (which I was majoring in), but was almost burned out on it after the first semester. What I really hated, though, was sitting in 3 hour long drawing classes where we drew apples and teacups with charcoal and pencils. I don't like to draw. It's not something I'm good at so it just makes me feel like I have no talent. Why would I want to spend 3 hours doing something that I hate and that makes me feel bad about myself? I may as well sit in a math class if that's how I want to feel. At least in high school Algebra I got to draw pictures of R2-D2. (a project my friend Shannon and I did where we drew it on graph paper and had to write equations for all the lines.....he said it was the best project he'd ever seen.....my art skills plus her math skills plus our combined love for Star Wars worked out well for us!)
So anyway......I'm stressing out a bit now, which means it will probably take me even longer to finish these things because I don't even feel like I can do them now. (Now, if you are one of the people I'm doing a project for, don't worry....it will get done. Just pray that I find some inspiration!)
Anywho......That's my little rant for the evening.
You see, I've been comissioned to create some of these paintings for a friend at church. The ones that I really like are 5x7, the other one is 11x17 and it's not my favorite, but I still like it. The ones I tried tonight I tried again on the 11x17 paper. So I came to the conclusion that they just look better small. This is a problem considering that the ones I'm supposed to do for this family are MUCH larger than 11x17. Guess I'll need to buy some bigger brushes.
I also got 4 windows to create more "window art". Thing is, the first window I had sat in my living room for months before I just picked it up one day and went to work, no plan in mind. So now that I have 4 more, and I'm supposed to be doing something for a couple different people, I suddenly don't want to do them anymore. I don't feel creative anymore.
So....basically I have this problem where I can only be creative when it's on my own terms, when I feel like it. You give me guidelines, rules, boundaries, deadlines......and suddenly we have a problem. Well, I have a problem anyway.
I'm not sure why this is. This was a big issue when I was in college, too. One of the main reasons I quit. It just always seems like the moment you turn something I enjoy into something I have to do, I lose interest. (I guess I should say that it really only works that way w/ my artwork....not everything in my life.....cuz that would be a serious problem if that were the case!) I loved photography (which I was majoring in), but was almost burned out on it after the first semester. What I really hated, though, was sitting in 3 hour long drawing classes where we drew apples and teacups with charcoal and pencils. I don't like to draw. It's not something I'm good at so it just makes me feel like I have no talent. Why would I want to spend 3 hours doing something that I hate and that makes me feel bad about myself? I may as well sit in a math class if that's how I want to feel. At least in high school Algebra I got to draw pictures of R2-D2. (a project my friend Shannon and I did where we drew it on graph paper and had to write equations for all the lines.....he said it was the best project he'd ever seen.....my art skills plus her math skills plus our combined love for Star Wars worked out well for us!)
So anyway......I'm stressing out a bit now, which means it will probably take me even longer to finish these things because I don't even feel like I can do them now. (Now, if you are one of the people I'm doing a project for, don't worry....it will get done. Just pray that I find some inspiration!)
Anywho......That's my little rant for the evening.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Today has been an exceptionally lonely day for me. This loneliness has mostly been contributed to by the fact that I was literally alone all day, but other factors have really helped it feel extra lonely.
First, it's raining. And it's cold. Those two things together do not make me happy. Rain has it's place....like at nighttime when I'm trying to sleep and it's raining hard enough for me to hear it. Or in the summertime when it's still hot outside and the rain is refreshing and cooling. But the one place it does not belong is on days like today.
Another thing that contributed to the loneliness was that my drive to Westport is the same way I use to drive to go see my ex when we were still together, so of course it triggers thoughts of him. Westport was also where we had our first "date". Westport's parking lot was where we sat in the car for an hour after the show and talked and kissed and I listened to him tell me how he hadn't had that much fun in a long time, and that he wanted to be with me so much more than he thought he would want to be with any girl after the heartbreak he'd been through. He told me that he was scared of how much he liked me. He smiled a lot, he made me smile, and he told me he could just sit there all night with me....we just couldn't get enough of eachother and had the hardest time saying goodbye at the end of the evening. It was when things were good....and thinking of good times w/ him don't make it easier to NOT call him.
Thirdly, I currently have no internet (I'm typing this in a word document, and will post it later). There have been a few financial issues over the past couple months, and my internet bill had to wait till this Friday's payday....but it got turned off today, so I'll be w/out it for a week. Without internet, I feel completely disconnected from the world. I keep up with a lot of people through facebook and e-mail. I keep up w/current events, the forecast, my bank account, and lots of other things....through the internet. So, without it, I'm struggling. Even though it's only been a day. And really, I don't even think it's the lack of internet that is the issue as it is knowing that if I need to get in touch w/ someone or look something up, I won't be able to.
I did spend part of my day at Bread Co. so I could do my taxes....I felt good about getting that done, and even better when I saw that I'd be getting $600 back. It's not huge....the last few years have been a lot more....but it will make a big difference.
As I was walking through the rain back to my car, stepping in puddles that were so big they were unavoidable, feeling the water soaking up the legs of my pants, and getting inside my non-weather-appropriate shoes, I thought I'd stop at McDonald's and hit up the Redbox so at least I could occupy myself with something tonight. So I get out of the car, back into the cold, step in another puddle and get rained on even more, only to walk in and hear "The Redbox is broken." So, I turned around, ran back to my car, stepped in more puddles, and got rained on some more....only to arrive back home freezing cold, wet, hungry (all I had at Bread Co. was a mocha), and wondering how in the world I was going to occupy my evening.
The first thing I did was put on a pot of coffee and set up a makeshift coffee table in front of the couch using 2 chairs and one of the old windows I'm going to use for an art project. Pretty sure I'm going to actually turn one of these into a coffee table cuz it looked pretty great. Anyway, I collected all the candles in my apartment and clustered them together and lit them all, thinking it was the next best thing to a fireplace. It almost worked. It was nice and pretty and smelled good.....but it didn't have the crackle and the smell of a fireplace fire.
I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down with "The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership", thinking to myself that this wasn't really what I wanted to be doing tonight but that I'd make due. Anyway, I made it through about 5 chapters, which I thought was pretty good considering that I didn't really want to read this book. Thing is, I like the book. I like the stories in it. But It's not a book I would pick up and read on my own, so it was hard to pick it up when I have two other books on my shelf that I want to read. It turned out to be a very enjoyable time.
When I decided to stop after those 5 chapters (and after I realized I had a lot less reading to do to finish the book than I thought I did because the last big chunk was references and other info that I didn't need to read), a thought struck me....and that is really why I decided to sit down and write this.
The thought I had was this: Maybe God is putting me in situations of intense loneliness so that I learn how to turn to Him and depend on Him.
You see, I have always been a pretty social person. I've always enjoyed being out with friends and loved ones. But up until this past year I have never had such a need for community as I do now. I am at church at least 3 days a week right now, sometimes 4, sometimes more...and I can't get enough of it because it's a place where I get to be around people I love, admire, respect, and who I know love me back. Five days a week at work I get to spend time with fabulous friends that I very much enjoy being with. The little free time I have to myself, I am usually trying to fill up with one on one meetings w/ closer friends or small group activities...to avoid being alone. And if I am stuck at home with nothing to do, I lose myself in the world of facebook and watching movies.
So today was kindof a slap in the face. I truly felt like God was pleading for alone time with me. My biggest distraction, the internet, was gone. The Redbox was broken so I couldn't get movies. The friends I usually spend Sunday evenings with were busy. I don't really think this was coincidence. It was God saying "Spend time with Me!"
Last week in Quarterlife we talked about how prayer is how we communicate with God, and how any good relationship needs good communication. Without communication, there is no relationship....so without prayer, how can you have a relationship with God? I have been working a lot on my prayer life. I've been making more of a point of spending time in prayer every day, if not more than once. I'm not where I want to be, but then things like this don't usually change overnight, do they? (unfortunately)
So anyway, I put a few things together and came to a conclusion. Over the past year I have become someone who is literally dependant on relationships (not boyfriend/girlfriend) and community and time with people I love. Dependant to the point that I can hardly stand to be by myself, and a whole day alone is about enough to make me crazy. Then you add in all the things I've learned about prayer over the past few weeks and my desire to have a closer relationship with God, and it all makes sense.
God really has been turning me into someone who craves time with Him....I just never realized it. It's something I've prayed for for years! I've prayed for a hunger to learn and a desire to read my Bible and spend time with God, and HE HAS ANSWERED!!!
So all in all.....despite the rain and the memories that make my heart ache and the cold.....today was a pretty incredible day. To quote my pastor (from his message yesterday!) "God is answering some of our prayers so slowly and so vividly, we don't even notice." He was answering my prayer all along, He just had to knock a little more sense into me to get me to realize it.
First, it's raining. And it's cold. Those two things together do not make me happy. Rain has it's place....like at nighttime when I'm trying to sleep and it's raining hard enough for me to hear it. Or in the summertime when it's still hot outside and the rain is refreshing and cooling. But the one place it does not belong is on days like today.
Another thing that contributed to the loneliness was that my drive to Westport is the same way I use to drive to go see my ex when we were still together, so of course it triggers thoughts of him. Westport was also where we had our first "date". Westport's parking lot was where we sat in the car for an hour after the show and talked and kissed and I listened to him tell me how he hadn't had that much fun in a long time, and that he wanted to be with me so much more than he thought he would want to be with any girl after the heartbreak he'd been through. He told me that he was scared of how much he liked me. He smiled a lot, he made me smile, and he told me he could just sit there all night with me....we just couldn't get enough of eachother and had the hardest time saying goodbye at the end of the evening. It was when things were good....and thinking of good times w/ him don't make it easier to NOT call him.
Thirdly, I currently have no internet (I'm typing this in a word document, and will post it later). There have been a few financial issues over the past couple months, and my internet bill had to wait till this Friday's payday....but it got turned off today, so I'll be w/out it for a week. Without internet, I feel completely disconnected from the world. I keep up with a lot of people through facebook and e-mail. I keep up w/current events, the forecast, my bank account, and lots of other things....through the internet. So, without it, I'm struggling. Even though it's only been a day. And really, I don't even think it's the lack of internet that is the issue as it is knowing that if I need to get in touch w/ someone or look something up, I won't be able to.
I did spend part of my day at Bread Co. so I could do my taxes....I felt good about getting that done, and even better when I saw that I'd be getting $600 back. It's not huge....the last few years have been a lot more....but it will make a big difference.
As I was walking through the rain back to my car, stepping in puddles that were so big they were unavoidable, feeling the water soaking up the legs of my pants, and getting inside my non-weather-appropriate shoes, I thought I'd stop at McDonald's and hit up the Redbox so at least I could occupy myself with something tonight. So I get out of the car, back into the cold, step in another puddle and get rained on even more, only to walk in and hear "The Redbox is broken." So, I turned around, ran back to my car, stepped in more puddles, and got rained on some more....only to arrive back home freezing cold, wet, hungry (all I had at Bread Co. was a mocha), and wondering how in the world I was going to occupy my evening.
The first thing I did was put on a pot of coffee and set up a makeshift coffee table in front of the couch using 2 chairs and one of the old windows I'm going to use for an art project. Pretty sure I'm going to actually turn one of these into a coffee table cuz it looked pretty great. Anyway, I collected all the candles in my apartment and clustered them together and lit them all, thinking it was the next best thing to a fireplace. It almost worked. It was nice and pretty and smelled good.....but it didn't have the crackle and the smell of a fireplace fire.
I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down with "The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership", thinking to myself that this wasn't really what I wanted to be doing tonight but that I'd make due. Anyway, I made it through about 5 chapters, which I thought was pretty good considering that I didn't really want to read this book. Thing is, I like the book. I like the stories in it. But It's not a book I would pick up and read on my own, so it was hard to pick it up when I have two other books on my shelf that I want to read. It turned out to be a very enjoyable time.
When I decided to stop after those 5 chapters (and after I realized I had a lot less reading to do to finish the book than I thought I did because the last big chunk was references and other info that I didn't need to read), a thought struck me....and that is really why I decided to sit down and write this.
The thought I had was this: Maybe God is putting me in situations of intense loneliness so that I learn how to turn to Him and depend on Him.
You see, I have always been a pretty social person. I've always enjoyed being out with friends and loved ones. But up until this past year I have never had such a need for community as I do now. I am at church at least 3 days a week right now, sometimes 4, sometimes more...and I can't get enough of it because it's a place where I get to be around people I love, admire, respect, and who I know love me back. Five days a week at work I get to spend time with fabulous friends that I very much enjoy being with. The little free time I have to myself, I am usually trying to fill up with one on one meetings w/ closer friends or small group activities...to avoid being alone. And if I am stuck at home with nothing to do, I lose myself in the world of facebook and watching movies.
So today was kindof a slap in the face. I truly felt like God was pleading for alone time with me. My biggest distraction, the internet, was gone. The Redbox was broken so I couldn't get movies. The friends I usually spend Sunday evenings with were busy. I don't really think this was coincidence. It was God saying "Spend time with Me!"
Last week in Quarterlife we talked about how prayer is how we communicate with God, and how any good relationship needs good communication. Without communication, there is no relationship....so without prayer, how can you have a relationship with God? I have been working a lot on my prayer life. I've been making more of a point of spending time in prayer every day, if not more than once. I'm not where I want to be, but then things like this don't usually change overnight, do they? (unfortunately)
So anyway, I put a few things together and came to a conclusion. Over the past year I have become someone who is literally dependant on relationships (not boyfriend/girlfriend) and community and time with people I love. Dependant to the point that I can hardly stand to be by myself, and a whole day alone is about enough to make me crazy. Then you add in all the things I've learned about prayer over the past few weeks and my desire to have a closer relationship with God, and it all makes sense.
God really has been turning me into someone who craves time with Him....I just never realized it. It's something I've prayed for for years! I've prayed for a hunger to learn and a desire to read my Bible and spend time with God, and HE HAS ANSWERED!!!
So all in all.....despite the rain and the memories that make my heart ache and the cold.....today was a pretty incredible day. To quote my pastor (from his message yesterday!) "God is answering some of our prayers so slowly and so vividly, we don't even notice." He was answering my prayer all along, He just had to knock a little more sense into me to get me to realize it.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The brother I had, but didn't get to keep.
Something that not many people know about me is that I had an older brother who died from a brain tumor. It recently came up in conversation and someone said "You don't talk about it much" and I just said it wasn't really something that just came up in everyday conversation.
Sometimes I find myself thinking a lot about my brother. His name was Matthew, and my mom told me we were best friends. Thing is, I was only 2 when he died, and he was 4.
What's really strange is I have memories from when I was that age. Just recently my mom was talking about something that I remembered, and she mentioned something that Matthew did....and I just looked at her and said "Matthew was there?". See.....I have memories of times with him.....but I don't have memories OF him. He's just not there. To be honest, if nobody had ever told me about him and I'd never seen pictures of him, I would have no idea he even existed.
But the thing that gets me is the whole "You were best friends" part. You see, my younger brother and sister always had a better bond with eachother than I ever did with either of them. I have ALWAYS felt like the 5th wheel in my family. I've always felt like the one who just didn't quite fit in, didn't quite belong. I'm so different than everyone in my family, everything from my personality type to the fact that I'm the only one with brown eyes and natural red hair.
I sometimes wonder how different life would be if God had let me keep my brother. I think about the relationships I've been in that weren't good for me....would Matthew have been the protective type, threatening to beat these guys up if they hurt me? Would he have made my first BF really REALLY sorry for ever cheating on me? Would I have maybe avoided the situations altogether because Matthew told me these guys were no good, and maybe because I loved my brother so much I would have listened to him?
Maybe he would have had really awesome guy-friends that all looked out for me. Maybe I would be dating one of those guy friends. Maybe I'd even be married by now. Maybe Matthew would be married. Maybe I'd have an amazing sister-in-law and more nieces and nephews to love and spoil.
Would he have been artistic like me? Would he have been someone I could relate to better than other people in my family? Would he have been that person I went to with my problems and hurts and concerns? Would we have stayed close our entire lives like we were when we were little children?
Or maybe things would have been completely the opposite and he would have turned out an absolute wreck. Who knows.
All I know is that sometimes I feel like I really lost out on a chance at a really awesome friend in my big brother.
Back when I was in high school a close friend of mine died from cancer. She was 17 years old, I was 16, and that was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I had never known anyone besides old people to die. I didn't understand how God could let things like that happen. i can't even imagine what it must be like to lose a child.
I dont know if it would be harder to lose a 17 year old child or a 4 year old child....or if it's any harder or easier either way. I just know that at that point in my life, when April died, I started thinking a lot more about what my parents must have gone through when they lost Matthew.
I don't ever remember a time of sadness in their lives. I don't remember seeing them cry. My mom told me that I would ask about Matthew....or "Matt-Matt" as I called him.....I would ask where he went, why he wasn't home, and they would just tell me that he'd gone to Heaven to live with Jesus.
I don't know how I took this. I don't know if I cried because I missed him. I don't know if I understood, if I just accepted it like a perfectly normal response. I don't know. I was two. How does a 2 year old handle hearing that her big brother isn't ever coming home?
How did my parents handle it? Sitting here, writing this....I realize that it's just been one of those subjects that hasn't really ever been talked about. It would come up here and there, but I've never asked my mom what she did to cope. I never asked my dad if he cried. I know they both took comfort in the arms of Jesus.....And honestly, I don't know how people make it through something like that without those arms to hold them up.
I wish it was something we had talked about more. I always felt it was kindof taboo, like talking about it would just hurt my mom. I figure people don't like to talk about lost loved ones. I've also felt like people don't want to hear about other people's lost loved ones because it's just a depressing conversation to have. Maybe it would have been good for me if I'd been able to talk about it more.
I don't even think my parents are aware of how I feel about this whole thing. I don't think we've ever talked about it, just like I've never really talked to them about how they handled losing their firstborn child to a horrible, terrible disease, especially with my mom in the last stages of her pregnancy with my sister.
Mom told me Matthew just wanted to hold his baby sister.....and he did get to. Jen was born very shortly before he died. She also told me he was very strong and understood that he would be going to Heaven and that he would tell her not to cry and not to be sad.
My gosh, how does one handle losing a child like that?
I just know that God's hand has been in this situation from the beginning. I know He grieved and hurt with my family during their loss, and I know he understands MY hurts as well. I take comfort in the fact that I will see my big brother again someday.
Sometimes I find myself thinking a lot about my brother. His name was Matthew, and my mom told me we were best friends. Thing is, I was only 2 when he died, and he was 4.
What's really strange is I have memories from when I was that age. Just recently my mom was talking about something that I remembered, and she mentioned something that Matthew did....and I just looked at her and said "Matthew was there?". See.....I have memories of times with him.....but I don't have memories OF him. He's just not there. To be honest, if nobody had ever told me about him and I'd never seen pictures of him, I would have no idea he even existed.
But the thing that gets me is the whole "You were best friends" part. You see, my younger brother and sister always had a better bond with eachother than I ever did with either of them. I have ALWAYS felt like the 5th wheel in my family. I've always felt like the one who just didn't quite fit in, didn't quite belong. I'm so different than everyone in my family, everything from my personality type to the fact that I'm the only one with brown eyes and natural red hair.
I sometimes wonder how different life would be if God had let me keep my brother. I think about the relationships I've been in that weren't good for me....would Matthew have been the protective type, threatening to beat these guys up if they hurt me? Would he have made my first BF really REALLY sorry for ever cheating on me? Would I have maybe avoided the situations altogether because Matthew told me these guys were no good, and maybe because I loved my brother so much I would have listened to him?
Maybe he would have had really awesome guy-friends that all looked out for me. Maybe I would be dating one of those guy friends. Maybe I'd even be married by now. Maybe Matthew would be married. Maybe I'd have an amazing sister-in-law and more nieces and nephews to love and spoil.
Would he have been artistic like me? Would he have been someone I could relate to better than other people in my family? Would he have been that person I went to with my problems and hurts and concerns? Would we have stayed close our entire lives like we were when we were little children?
Or maybe things would have been completely the opposite and he would have turned out an absolute wreck. Who knows.
All I know is that sometimes I feel like I really lost out on a chance at a really awesome friend in my big brother.
Back when I was in high school a close friend of mine died from cancer. She was 17 years old, I was 16, and that was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I had never known anyone besides old people to die. I didn't understand how God could let things like that happen. i can't even imagine what it must be like to lose a child.
I dont know if it would be harder to lose a 17 year old child or a 4 year old child....or if it's any harder or easier either way. I just know that at that point in my life, when April died, I started thinking a lot more about what my parents must have gone through when they lost Matthew.
I don't ever remember a time of sadness in their lives. I don't remember seeing them cry. My mom told me that I would ask about Matthew....or "Matt-Matt" as I called him.....I would ask where he went, why he wasn't home, and they would just tell me that he'd gone to Heaven to live with Jesus.
I don't know how I took this. I don't know if I cried because I missed him. I don't know if I understood, if I just accepted it like a perfectly normal response. I don't know. I was two. How does a 2 year old handle hearing that her big brother isn't ever coming home?
How did my parents handle it? Sitting here, writing this....I realize that it's just been one of those subjects that hasn't really ever been talked about. It would come up here and there, but I've never asked my mom what she did to cope. I never asked my dad if he cried. I know they both took comfort in the arms of Jesus.....And honestly, I don't know how people make it through something like that without those arms to hold them up.
I wish it was something we had talked about more. I always felt it was kindof taboo, like talking about it would just hurt my mom. I figure people don't like to talk about lost loved ones. I've also felt like people don't want to hear about other people's lost loved ones because it's just a depressing conversation to have. Maybe it would have been good for me if I'd been able to talk about it more.
I don't even think my parents are aware of how I feel about this whole thing. I don't think we've ever talked about it, just like I've never really talked to them about how they handled losing their firstborn child to a horrible, terrible disease, especially with my mom in the last stages of her pregnancy with my sister.
Mom told me Matthew just wanted to hold his baby sister.....and he did get to. Jen was born very shortly before he died. She also told me he was very strong and understood that he would be going to Heaven and that he would tell her not to cry and not to be sad.
My gosh, how does one handle losing a child like that?
I just know that God's hand has been in this situation from the beginning. I know He grieved and hurt with my family during their loss, and I know he understands MY hurts as well. I take comfort in the fact that I will see my big brother again someday.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Jake is just like any other person "in love"....
I watch The Bachelor. And The Bachelorette. I hate myself for it, but I can't stop. Ok....that's a little harsh, I don't hate myself for it....I just wish I had never gotten into it because it's just one more thing to waste time on.
Through this show I've learned that I'm pretty good at judging a person's character via first impression. Now, I'm not ALWAYS right, but I'm pretty good. On the first episode, the bachelor stands in front of this mansion and is greeted by a line of 25 women. They only have a few seconds each for their first impressions before the next girl in line comes along. Jake gets to hand out a "first impression" rose, to whichever girl he felt stood out to him. To go along with this, I have made a point of choosing my favorite one from the lineup just based on the first impressions, as well. And you know what? Every single time that person has made it AT LEAST to the top 3, most of them to the top 2.
This time is no exception. My first favorite was Ali, second favorite was Tenley (based on first impression). Then a little further into the episode I changed the order. They got down to the final 4 and guess what? Ali and Tenley are both still there. Well.....actually Ali just left because apparently her job threatened to fire her if she didn't come home, but I know she'll be back as part of the drama of the last episode.
Anyway.....to get to the topic of this post, about how Jake is just like every other "in love" person out there.....Why doesn't he listen to any of the other girls when they tell him what Vienna is like? He's had MULTIPLE girls come to him and tell him just what kind of girl she is, and all of these remaining girls have done the same thing....these girls he thinks are amazing, wonderful women, women he's fallen for....they're telling him the truth about one of the other girls, and he just says "That's not what I see when I'm with her."
Well.....HELLLLLOOOOOO!!! That's why they say "Love is blind", dimwhit!!!
I mean, we've all been there, haven't we? In that relationship that, to us, seems wonderful, even though all of our friends are telling us what they see from the outside?
Why don't we listen to our friends (and family)? Aren't they the ones that matter? Aren't they the ones who will (hopefully) still be there when the relationships fall apart?
I've been there. I've been in a grand total of 2 relationships in my life and both times I had people telling me it wasn't a good thing.....and I chose to ignore them. I think the difference is that I knew they were right but chose not to listen. I think some people are literally blind to what's going on and that's why they get so upset when their friends try to tell them what they see.
Jake (poor Jake) is in this same dilemma. To him, Vienna is fun, kind, and sweet.....because in the short (SHORT!) amount of time he's gotten to spend with her, she's managed to put on an act. It's not hard to do, some people do it for years. People don't get to know their REAL significant other until it's too late sometimes. But in this case, Jake doesn't have a lot to go on and if he really were smart, he would listen to the other girls. All this stuff has leaked about her, like the topless calendar photos she posed for (Jake is a guy w/ morals....pretty sure he wouldn't go for this). She's also been married and took everything from the guy's bank account while he was away at war. She's a snake, and I hope that she is not the last one standing in this game.
I just HATE to see people in this situation, even when I don't know them. I hate seeing people in relationships that aren't good for them, and watching them STAY in them because they just don't see any other options.
My neighbor has woken me up many nights because the terrible things he is screaming at his girlfriend come right through my bedroom wall. I remember the first week I moved in here, hearing him yelling at her, and seeing her sitting outside crying. Why is she still there? The guy beats his dog (I've heard it, and heard someone tell him to stop, so I know it happens) and I wouldn't be surprised if he beats his girlfriend, too. But the point is, he treats her like dirt.....and she's still around. I wish I would run into her sometime, because I just want to tell her she deserves better, even though I don't know her.
I just know that love and marriage are such a huge thing in God's eyes, that He has a plan for it that is so very different from what we do.....I wish people understood this. I wish girls would see themselves as beautiful and worth being LOVED, and that they'd settle for nothing less. I wish guys would man up and be the strong, protective (but still sensitive) guys we girls want them to be. This could all be so much less complicated if we'd all just love eachother well.
Through this show I've learned that I'm pretty good at judging a person's character via first impression. Now, I'm not ALWAYS right, but I'm pretty good. On the first episode, the bachelor stands in front of this mansion and is greeted by a line of 25 women. They only have a few seconds each for their first impressions before the next girl in line comes along. Jake gets to hand out a "first impression" rose, to whichever girl he felt stood out to him. To go along with this, I have made a point of choosing my favorite one from the lineup just based on the first impressions, as well. And you know what? Every single time that person has made it AT LEAST to the top 3, most of them to the top 2.
This time is no exception. My first favorite was Ali, second favorite was Tenley (based on first impression). Then a little further into the episode I changed the order. They got down to the final 4 and guess what? Ali and Tenley are both still there. Well.....actually Ali just left because apparently her job threatened to fire her if she didn't come home, but I know she'll be back as part of the drama of the last episode.
Anyway.....to get to the topic of this post, about how Jake is just like every other "in love" person out there.....Why doesn't he listen to any of the other girls when they tell him what Vienna is like? He's had MULTIPLE girls come to him and tell him just what kind of girl she is, and all of these remaining girls have done the same thing....these girls he thinks are amazing, wonderful women, women he's fallen for....they're telling him the truth about one of the other girls, and he just says "That's not what I see when I'm with her."
Well.....HELLLLLOOOOOO!!! That's why they say "Love is blind", dimwhit!!!
I mean, we've all been there, haven't we? In that relationship that, to us, seems wonderful, even though all of our friends are telling us what they see from the outside?
Why don't we listen to our friends (and family)? Aren't they the ones that matter? Aren't they the ones who will (hopefully) still be there when the relationships fall apart?
I've been there. I've been in a grand total of 2 relationships in my life and both times I had people telling me it wasn't a good thing.....and I chose to ignore them. I think the difference is that I knew they were right but chose not to listen. I think some people are literally blind to what's going on and that's why they get so upset when their friends try to tell them what they see.
Jake (poor Jake) is in this same dilemma. To him, Vienna is fun, kind, and sweet.....because in the short (SHORT!) amount of time he's gotten to spend with her, she's managed to put on an act. It's not hard to do, some people do it for years. People don't get to know their REAL significant other until it's too late sometimes. But in this case, Jake doesn't have a lot to go on and if he really were smart, he would listen to the other girls. All this stuff has leaked about her, like the topless calendar photos she posed for (Jake is a guy w/ morals....pretty sure he wouldn't go for this). She's also been married and took everything from the guy's bank account while he was away at war. She's a snake, and I hope that she is not the last one standing in this game.
I just HATE to see people in this situation, even when I don't know them. I hate seeing people in relationships that aren't good for them, and watching them STAY in them because they just don't see any other options.
My neighbor has woken me up many nights because the terrible things he is screaming at his girlfriend come right through my bedroom wall. I remember the first week I moved in here, hearing him yelling at her, and seeing her sitting outside crying. Why is she still there? The guy beats his dog (I've heard it, and heard someone tell him to stop, so I know it happens) and I wouldn't be surprised if he beats his girlfriend, too. But the point is, he treats her like dirt.....and she's still around. I wish I would run into her sometime, because I just want to tell her she deserves better, even though I don't know her.
I just know that love and marriage are such a huge thing in God's eyes, that He has a plan for it that is so very different from what we do.....I wish people understood this. I wish girls would see themselves as beautiful and worth being LOVED, and that they'd settle for nothing less. I wish guys would man up and be the strong, protective (but still sensitive) guys we girls want them to be. This could all be so much less complicated if we'd all just love eachother well.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
We have it so easy....
What an amazing weekend I had...the sermon Greg gave last night (and this morning) was amazing. I mean, they always are....but sometimes there's that one that just stands out, and this was one of those.
We heard about Stephen (from the book of Acts) who was stoned to death for his faith. He was spreading the word of God and someone decided to start rumors about him, saying he was speaking blasphemy. So he's arrested and brought before the Sanhedrin and basically, after a nice long speech, tells them that THEY were responsible for killing the Messiah. He is then dragged out of the city where people throw rocks at him until he is dead.
What most people don't know is that Christians are still persecuted today all around the world. In fact, Christianity is one of the MOST persecuted religions in the world. Two hundred million people are denied the very basic human rights simply because they are Christians. Literally hundreds of thousands of people are being killed, sold as slaves, discriminated against, put in prison, tortured, and/or threatened, solely because they are Christians. The extent of of the persecution and suffering is something we can hardly begin to fathom, and it's all because of their faith.
Here, we can talk about church. We can go as many times as we want in a week. We can tell our friends we are Christians. We can wear cheesy Christian T-shirts and crosses around our necks. We can put little fish on the backs of our cars and sit in coffee shops reading our Bibles. We can put big green signs with the word JESUS written in big white letters across it in our front yards. Churches can advertise with billboards, radio stations can play songs about God and crazy televangelists can yell at you through your TVs. Oh yeah, you can also choose not to get your children vaccinated and then when they start school you just tell them it's because of religious reasons....(I may be using this one in the future!)
The thing that gets me is that, despite all this, so many of us are afraid to talk about our faith. We're afraid people will think we're weird...yet there are people across the globe who could be KILLED for it and do it anyway. They are that passionate about what they believe. What are we so afraid of?
It's something I struggle with a little because I've always had a hard time having discussions w/ people about what I believe. I think my fear isn't that people will think it's weird, but that I won't do God justice. I get nervous when I'm put on the spot and then end up having a really hard time getting the words out that I need. So basically I'm afraid of looking like I don't know what I'm talking about. The knowledge is all in my head, and it comes back to me here and there, but I can never get it out eloquently....again, making it appear as if I have no idea what I'm saying.
But maybe I shouldn't let that bother me. Maybe I should be ok w/ looking like an idiot...if I'm doing it for God. I mean, King David danced around in his underwear, in public, when he was praising God, so I kinda feel like stumbling over my words a little bit is pretty minor in the long run. God is perfectly capable of taking my idiotic ramblings and turning them into something beautiful that touches another person.
So, while it may sometimes seem like things are bad......think about the people in a church compound in India who's pastor was just released from prison, who was there because he was a Christian. Think of the people who attend every week knowing that their lives could be in danger because there is a Hindu extremist group that they believe has infiltrated their church. Think of people like this who thirst so much for the truth that they put their lives at risk to recieve it and who can't even talk about it openly.
We really have it so easy.
Persecution.org - See what's really going on around the world.
We heard about Stephen (from the book of Acts) who was stoned to death for his faith. He was spreading the word of God and someone decided to start rumors about him, saying he was speaking blasphemy. So he's arrested and brought before the Sanhedrin and basically, after a nice long speech, tells them that THEY were responsible for killing the Messiah. He is then dragged out of the city where people throw rocks at him until he is dead.
What most people don't know is that Christians are still persecuted today all around the world. In fact, Christianity is one of the MOST persecuted religions in the world. Two hundred million people are denied the very basic human rights simply because they are Christians. Literally hundreds of thousands of people are being killed, sold as slaves, discriminated against, put in prison, tortured, and/or threatened, solely because they are Christians. The extent of of the persecution and suffering is something we can hardly begin to fathom, and it's all because of their faith.
Here, we can talk about church. We can go as many times as we want in a week. We can tell our friends we are Christians. We can wear cheesy Christian T-shirts and crosses around our necks. We can put little fish on the backs of our cars and sit in coffee shops reading our Bibles. We can put big green signs with the word JESUS written in big white letters across it in our front yards. Churches can advertise with billboards, radio stations can play songs about God and crazy televangelists can yell at you through your TVs. Oh yeah, you can also choose not to get your children vaccinated and then when they start school you just tell them it's because of religious reasons....(I may be using this one in the future!)
The thing that gets me is that, despite all this, so many of us are afraid to talk about our faith. We're afraid people will think we're weird...yet there are people across the globe who could be KILLED for it and do it anyway. They are that passionate about what they believe. What are we so afraid of?
It's something I struggle with a little because I've always had a hard time having discussions w/ people about what I believe. I think my fear isn't that people will think it's weird, but that I won't do God justice. I get nervous when I'm put on the spot and then end up having a really hard time getting the words out that I need. So basically I'm afraid of looking like I don't know what I'm talking about. The knowledge is all in my head, and it comes back to me here and there, but I can never get it out eloquently....again, making it appear as if I have no idea what I'm saying.
But maybe I shouldn't let that bother me. Maybe I should be ok w/ looking like an idiot...if I'm doing it for God. I mean, King David danced around in his underwear, in public, when he was praising God, so I kinda feel like stumbling over my words a little bit is pretty minor in the long run. God is perfectly capable of taking my idiotic ramblings and turning them into something beautiful that touches another person.
So, while it may sometimes seem like things are bad......think about the people in a church compound in India who's pastor was just released from prison, who was there because he was a Christian. Think of the people who attend every week knowing that their lives could be in danger because there is a Hindu extremist group that they believe has infiltrated their church. Think of people like this who thirst so much for the truth that they put their lives at risk to recieve it and who can't even talk about it openly.
We really have it so easy.
Persecution.org - See what's really going on around the world.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Something I've Never Done Before
This coming Monday our Explorations class starts at church. It's a class mainly for people with questions about God. A place where any and every question is allowed and encouraged. It's a place where you can not only ask these questions, but a place where you will not be made to feel out of place or uncomfortable for asking some of the difficult ones. It's a safe environment for people of all faiths who are seeking a deeper understanding of the God that I worship.
And here's the kicker, I'm actually facilitating this time around. I've never facilitated a table before, and to be honest I was a little freaked out at the thought of THIS class being the first one. There are a few other classes I could have done that would have made this first time a little less scary.
I know that I'm not expected to have answers to everything. I'm not expected to be a Bible scholar. The people that lead the class have made this VERY clear.
But there's still a part of me that worries I will be a huge failure. I worry that something will come up that I'm clueless about and that my response will be to just freeze up and say nothing. Again, I'm not expected to have answers for everything, and they did set me up with a very experienced co-facilitator.
I KNOW things will be good. I KNOW that I am here for a purpose. I have been in situations where I've felt God speak through me and I know He's perfectly capable of doing it again. He has all the right words, and He certainly can make them come out of my mouth.
As this class gets closer, I am filled with a variety of emotions. A little fear, some nervousness....but mostly excitement. I'm excited to see what God does through this class. I know amazing things always happen (I've heard the stories!) and I know He will come through for us again.
I am also grateful. INCREDIBLY grateful for the people that God has put in my life, people who have seen potential in me and called it out and helped me to develop it. This is just another one of those situations I never would have pictured myself in if you'd asked me 2 years ago.
So anyway.....God is pretty amazing. And that's all for now. :)
And here's the kicker, I'm actually facilitating this time around. I've never facilitated a table before, and to be honest I was a little freaked out at the thought of THIS class being the first one. There are a few other classes I could have done that would have made this first time a little less scary.
I know that I'm not expected to have answers to everything. I'm not expected to be a Bible scholar. The people that lead the class have made this VERY clear.
But there's still a part of me that worries I will be a huge failure. I worry that something will come up that I'm clueless about and that my response will be to just freeze up and say nothing. Again, I'm not expected to have answers for everything, and they did set me up with a very experienced co-facilitator.
I KNOW things will be good. I KNOW that I am here for a purpose. I have been in situations where I've felt God speak through me and I know He's perfectly capable of doing it again. He has all the right words, and He certainly can make them come out of my mouth.
As this class gets closer, I am filled with a variety of emotions. A little fear, some nervousness....but mostly excitement. I'm excited to see what God does through this class. I know amazing things always happen (I've heard the stories!) and I know He will come through for us again.
I am also grateful. INCREDIBLY grateful for the people that God has put in my life, people who have seen potential in me and called it out and helped me to develop it. This is just another one of those situations I never would have pictured myself in if you'd asked me 2 years ago.
So anyway.....God is pretty amazing. And that's all for now. :)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Praying Big Prayers
Last night at Quarterlife we talked about prayer. We talked about praying big, bold prayers, and not being afraid to ask for anything. Coming before God with our petitions like a child comes to his or her parents. Children think their parents can do anything and everything, so no want or need seems too silly or outrageous to ask for.
What little girl hasn't dreamed of being rescued by a handsome prince, falling in love, having a fairy-tale wedding, and living happily ever after? When I was old enough to understand that that's not how things usually worked out, I would still dream and pray that God would send my my "prince charming".
When I was younger, I had my whole life planned out in my head. The kind of house I wanted, how many kids, their names, what pets I would have, what kind of car I would drive, what my husband would be like...but somewhere along the way I stopped thinking like that.
Many would say its just because I grew up and realized that everything wasn't going to be picture perfect, and exactly like I wanted it to be. Maybe because I started to figure out just how difficult life can be sometimes. Maybe because I had my heard broken one too many times. Maybe because I've been stabbed in the back my so-called friends. Maybe because someone who told me he loved me was unfaithful to me. Maybe because I have seen so many things fall apart.
All I know is, I stopped hoping for big things. Instead of dreaming of a house with a beach view (or a big lake, at the very least), I started dreaming about the tiny condo because it was affordable and realistic. Instead of a green '67 Mustang sitting in my driveway, it became a sensible and affordable Toyota Corolla. The family vacations to exotic or overseas locations every year turned into "Maybe someday I'll make it to Florida." The big back yard with a beatiful weed-free vegetable garden, swimming pool, and big trees with a hammock, became a tiny balcony or, if I was lucky, a patio with a little flowerbed around it. Instead of a family of perfectly adorable, obedient, loving children who would turn out wonderfully because I was so determined to be a good parent, I settled on hoping that they would turn out well after I did my best....because sometimes even the best parents end up w/ kids who get in trouble.
I guess part of the problem is that I feel like I'm being greedy if I ask for big things. I can pray my little heart out and beg God to let me have that house on the beach....but then I feel like I'm not being content with where I am, in my little 1-bedroom apartment, a thousand miles away from the nearest beach.
It's so hard to balance the whole "being content" thing with the "my heart longs for so much more" thing.
The biggest realization I had last night as far as what I had stopped praying for was this: The greatest desire I have, the thing that I feel God has put me on earth for, the one thing that I have no control over whatsoever....To be married, to be a wife, to be a mother.
I feel like I have overprayed this one. I've been praying for YEARS....for as long as I can remember....that God would prepare me to be a good wife for someone someday. I honestly never thought I'd make it to 26 without being married. I just assumed that since I felt so strongly that it was my calling in life, that it would happen sooner. But it didn't.
So I guess I just got to the point where I thought "God knows what I want. Why do I have to keep bugging Him about it?"
Can anyone else relate to this?
So last night, for the first time in a LONG time, I told God exactly what I wanted. I cried my eyes out and just felt so good after finally letting it out. I didn't even do that thing so many of us do, where we end our prayers with "if it be Your will" or something along those lines. I just said "This is it, God. You put this desire in my heart. This is what I want. Period."
Now, I realize that some of the specifics I prayed about may or may not be what God has for me, but I'm ok with that. And God is aware of that, so I didn't feel the need to remind Him. :) All I know is that from here on out, my prayer life is going to be different.
And I'm really excited to see the things God is going to do. :)
What little girl hasn't dreamed of being rescued by a handsome prince, falling in love, having a fairy-tale wedding, and living happily ever after? When I was old enough to understand that that's not how things usually worked out, I would still dream and pray that God would send my my "prince charming".
When I was younger, I had my whole life planned out in my head. The kind of house I wanted, how many kids, their names, what pets I would have, what kind of car I would drive, what my husband would be like...but somewhere along the way I stopped thinking like that.
Many would say its just because I grew up and realized that everything wasn't going to be picture perfect, and exactly like I wanted it to be. Maybe because I started to figure out just how difficult life can be sometimes. Maybe because I had my heard broken one too many times. Maybe because I've been stabbed in the back my so-called friends. Maybe because someone who told me he loved me was unfaithful to me. Maybe because I have seen so many things fall apart.
All I know is, I stopped hoping for big things. Instead of dreaming of a house with a beach view (or a big lake, at the very least), I started dreaming about the tiny condo because it was affordable and realistic. Instead of a green '67 Mustang sitting in my driveway, it became a sensible and affordable Toyota Corolla. The family vacations to exotic or overseas locations every year turned into "Maybe someday I'll make it to Florida." The big back yard with a beatiful weed-free vegetable garden, swimming pool, and big trees with a hammock, became a tiny balcony or, if I was lucky, a patio with a little flowerbed around it. Instead of a family of perfectly adorable, obedient, loving children who would turn out wonderfully because I was so determined to be a good parent, I settled on hoping that they would turn out well after I did my best....because sometimes even the best parents end up w/ kids who get in trouble.
I guess part of the problem is that I feel like I'm being greedy if I ask for big things. I can pray my little heart out and beg God to let me have that house on the beach....but then I feel like I'm not being content with where I am, in my little 1-bedroom apartment, a thousand miles away from the nearest beach.
It's so hard to balance the whole "being content" thing with the "my heart longs for so much more" thing.
The biggest realization I had last night as far as what I had stopped praying for was this: The greatest desire I have, the thing that I feel God has put me on earth for, the one thing that I have no control over whatsoever....To be married, to be a wife, to be a mother.
I feel like I have overprayed this one. I've been praying for YEARS....for as long as I can remember....that God would prepare me to be a good wife for someone someday. I honestly never thought I'd make it to 26 without being married. I just assumed that since I felt so strongly that it was my calling in life, that it would happen sooner. But it didn't.
So I guess I just got to the point where I thought "God knows what I want. Why do I have to keep bugging Him about it?"
Can anyone else relate to this?
So last night, for the first time in a LONG time, I told God exactly what I wanted. I cried my eyes out and just felt so good after finally letting it out. I didn't even do that thing so many of us do, where we end our prayers with "if it be Your will" or something along those lines. I just said "This is it, God. You put this desire in my heart. This is what I want. Period."
Now, I realize that some of the specifics I prayed about may or may not be what God has for me, but I'm ok with that. And God is aware of that, so I didn't feel the need to remind Him. :) All I know is that from here on out, my prayer life is going to be different.
And I'm really excited to see the things God is going to do. :)
Monday, January 18, 2010
Christmas [is] Changing the World....
Do you tell yourself "You're just a fool, just a fool to believe you can change the world?"
- Carrie Underwood, "Change".
Yesterday at church we watched a video about the amazing things that are being done through Living Water International. Every time we see one of these videos, I usually end up bawling my eyes out. Sometimes I get so choked up I can barely take a breath. It's a mix of emotions....complete joy because of the people who are being helped, but sadness over the ones who still need it.
A representative from Living Water came this weekend to accept a check for the money my church had raised during Advent Conspiracy. First, let me say how insanely proud I am to be part of a church who is so passionate about helping people around the world. My church was one of the founders of Advent Conspiracy 4 years ago, and now the thing has gone global. It's insane...aboslutely insane....how many people have jumped on this bandwagon. I can hardly believe it. It makes me proud to know that people CARE and want to help!
In our pastor's message this weekend, we talked about the Macedonians who, even in a time of great poverty and economic crisis, pulled together and took up a collection to send to the persecuted church in Israel. These people went above and beyond, trusting God to provide for them, and giving what little they had. Of course most of us in the congregation could make the connection, because our country is in this crazy economic crisis, people are losing their jobs left and right....and yet we pulled together over the Christmas season and GAVE!
$425,000.00
Yep. Four hundred, twenty five thousand dollars. That doesn't even include the money collected throughout the year. It doesn't include the money that over 200 people are collecting as they get ready to run a half marathon for Living Water. It doesn't include the money from the HUNDREDS of other churches around the world who are participating in this.
I'm EXCITED! I can't wait to hear more stories of the lives this is going to change. And I hope that within the next year I will get to experience this firsthand and go on a mission trip with Living Water.
- Carrie Underwood, "Change".
Yesterday at church we watched a video about the amazing things that are being done through Living Water International. Every time we see one of these videos, I usually end up bawling my eyes out. Sometimes I get so choked up I can barely take a breath. It's a mix of emotions....complete joy because of the people who are being helped, but sadness over the ones who still need it.
A representative from Living Water came this weekend to accept a check for the money my church had raised during Advent Conspiracy. First, let me say how insanely proud I am to be part of a church who is so passionate about helping people around the world. My church was one of the founders of Advent Conspiracy 4 years ago, and now the thing has gone global. It's insane...aboslutely insane....how many people have jumped on this bandwagon. I can hardly believe it. It makes me proud to know that people CARE and want to help!
In our pastor's message this weekend, we talked about the Macedonians who, even in a time of great poverty and economic crisis, pulled together and took up a collection to send to the persecuted church in Israel. These people went above and beyond, trusting God to provide for them, and giving what little they had. Of course most of us in the congregation could make the connection, because our country is in this crazy economic crisis, people are losing their jobs left and right....and yet we pulled together over the Christmas season and GAVE!
$425,000.00
Yep. Four hundred, twenty five thousand dollars. That doesn't even include the money collected throughout the year. It doesn't include the money that over 200 people are collecting as they get ready to run a half marathon for Living Water. It doesn't include the money from the HUNDREDS of other churches around the world who are participating in this.
I'm EXCITED! I can't wait to hear more stories of the lives this is going to change. And I hope that within the next year I will get to experience this firsthand and go on a mission trip with Living Water.
How does God speak to you?
I've had this discussion with numerous people, yet it's still something I struggle greatly with.
Some people find it so easy. They can say with confidence "God told me to do this" or "I really felt God calling me to go here." They know without a doubt what they're supposed to do.
I have never been one of those people, and sometimes it really bothers me because it makes me think maybe I'm not doing something right. Maybe I'm not spending enough time listening or reading my Bible or praying or whatever. Or I wonder if what I'm "hearing" is really just my own thoughts, or what I want to hear versus what I should actually be hearing.
This past week in a class I'm in at church, we talked about Spiritual Pathways. Basically....how do you connect with God? For some it's through nature or time spent alone. For others it's through worship. For me, it's through people. My spiritual pathway is "relational". It NEVER occured to me that being around people that I love, who love God, could possibly be a way that God speaks to me, but I am convinced that it is.
It is when I am around these people that I feel most loved and accepted. I feel I don't have to hide who I am or what I've done in the past. My life is an open book and they all love me despite my past mistakes and screw-ups. I sometimes can't understand it, but think about it...if these human people, these imperfect people who have struggles and screw-ups just like I do, can love me for who I am, then how can I POSSIBLY think that God doesn't? God is able to look past my mistakes even better than any human friend could. All those times when I've had such a hard time accepting God's forgiveness and forgiving myself, it has been through the acceptance of my friends that I've learned how to do it.
God has placed some truly amazing people in my life, and I can't even begin to express how thankful I am for them. These people encourage me and inspire me and have helped me grow into the person I am today (which is very different from the person I use to be). These friends have helped me to realize my potential and have made me realize that with God, all things really are possible....I'm in a LEADERSHIP role....in a LEADERSHIP class...Never in a million years would I have believed I would be there. NEVER. Yet here I am, and it has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life (and still continues to be).
I have learned so much about myself, why I have some of the quirks that I have, why I have certain struggles and weaknesses, what strengths I have to balance out the weaknesses....I could keep going!
This past 16-ish months have been life changing for me, and have been, by far, the most wonderful months of my life. I wouldn't ever go back to the way things were, and I can't imagine being anywhere but where I am right now.
Some people find it so easy. They can say with confidence "God told me to do this" or "I really felt God calling me to go here." They know without a doubt what they're supposed to do.
I have never been one of those people, and sometimes it really bothers me because it makes me think maybe I'm not doing something right. Maybe I'm not spending enough time listening or reading my Bible or praying or whatever. Or I wonder if what I'm "hearing" is really just my own thoughts, or what I want to hear versus what I should actually be hearing.
This past week in a class I'm in at church, we talked about Spiritual Pathways. Basically....how do you connect with God? For some it's through nature or time spent alone. For others it's through worship. For me, it's through people. My spiritual pathway is "relational". It NEVER occured to me that being around people that I love, who love God, could possibly be a way that God speaks to me, but I am convinced that it is.
It is when I am around these people that I feel most loved and accepted. I feel I don't have to hide who I am or what I've done in the past. My life is an open book and they all love me despite my past mistakes and screw-ups. I sometimes can't understand it, but think about it...if these human people, these imperfect people who have struggles and screw-ups just like I do, can love me for who I am, then how can I POSSIBLY think that God doesn't? God is able to look past my mistakes even better than any human friend could. All those times when I've had such a hard time accepting God's forgiveness and forgiving myself, it has been through the acceptance of my friends that I've learned how to do it.
God has placed some truly amazing people in my life, and I can't even begin to express how thankful I am for them. These people encourage me and inspire me and have helped me grow into the person I am today (which is very different from the person I use to be). These friends have helped me to realize my potential and have made me realize that with God, all things really are possible....I'm in a LEADERSHIP role....in a LEADERSHIP class...Never in a million years would I have believed I would be there. NEVER. Yet here I am, and it has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life (and still continues to be).
I have learned so much about myself, why I have some of the quirks that I have, why I have certain struggles and weaknesses, what strengths I have to balance out the weaknesses....I could keep going!
This past 16-ish months have been life changing for me, and have been, by far, the most wonderful months of my life. I wouldn't ever go back to the way things were, and I can't imagine being anywhere but where I am right now.
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