Something that not many people know about me is that I had an older brother who died from a brain tumor. It recently came up in conversation and someone said "You don't talk about it much" and I just said it wasn't really something that just came up in everyday conversation.
Sometimes I find myself thinking a lot about my brother. His name was Matthew, and my mom told me we were best friends. Thing is, I was only 2 when he died, and he was 4.
What's really strange is I have memories from when I was that age. Just recently my mom was talking about something that I remembered, and she mentioned something that Matthew did....and I just looked at her and said "Matthew was there?". See.....I have memories of times with him.....but I don't have memories OF him. He's just not there. To be honest, if nobody had ever told me about him and I'd never seen pictures of him, I would have no idea he even existed.
But the thing that gets me is the whole "You were best friends" part. You see, my younger brother and sister always had a better bond with eachother than I ever did with either of them. I have ALWAYS felt like the 5th wheel in my family. I've always felt like the one who just didn't quite fit in, didn't quite belong. I'm so different than everyone in my family, everything from my personality type to the fact that I'm the only one with brown eyes and natural red hair.
I sometimes wonder how different life would be if God had let me keep my brother. I think about the relationships I've been in that weren't good for me....would Matthew have been the protective type, threatening to beat these guys up if they hurt me? Would he have made my first BF really REALLY sorry for ever cheating on me? Would I have maybe avoided the situations altogether because Matthew told me these guys were no good, and maybe because I loved my brother so much I would have listened to him?
Maybe he would have had really awesome guy-friends that all looked out for me. Maybe I would be dating one of those guy friends. Maybe I'd even be married by now. Maybe Matthew would be married. Maybe I'd have an amazing sister-in-law and more nieces and nephews to love and spoil.
Would he have been artistic like me? Would he have been someone I could relate to better than other people in my family? Would he have been that person I went to with my problems and hurts and concerns? Would we have stayed close our entire lives like we were when we were little children?
Or maybe things would have been completely the opposite and he would have turned out an absolute wreck. Who knows.
All I know is that sometimes I feel like I really lost out on a chance at a really awesome friend in my big brother.
Back when I was in high school a close friend of mine died from cancer. She was 17 years old, I was 16, and that was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I had never known anyone besides old people to die. I didn't understand how God could let things like that happen. i can't even imagine what it must be like to lose a child.
I dont know if it would be harder to lose a 17 year old child or a 4 year old child....or if it's any harder or easier either way. I just know that at that point in my life, when April died, I started thinking a lot more about what my parents must have gone through when they lost Matthew.
I don't ever remember a time of sadness in their lives. I don't remember seeing them cry. My mom told me that I would ask about Matthew....or "Matt-Matt" as I called him.....I would ask where he went, why he wasn't home, and they would just tell me that he'd gone to Heaven to live with Jesus.
I don't know how I took this. I don't know if I cried because I missed him. I don't know if I understood, if I just accepted it like a perfectly normal response. I don't know. I was two. How does a 2 year old handle hearing that her big brother isn't ever coming home?
How did my parents handle it? Sitting here, writing this....I realize that it's just been one of those subjects that hasn't really ever been talked about. It would come up here and there, but I've never asked my mom what she did to cope. I never asked my dad if he cried. I know they both took comfort in the arms of Jesus.....And honestly, I don't know how people make it through something like that without those arms to hold them up.
I wish it was something we had talked about more. I always felt it was kindof taboo, like talking about it would just hurt my mom. I figure people don't like to talk about lost loved ones. I've also felt like people don't want to hear about other people's lost loved ones because it's just a depressing conversation to have. Maybe it would have been good for me if I'd been able to talk about it more.
I don't even think my parents are aware of how I feel about this whole thing. I don't think we've ever talked about it, just like I've never really talked to them about how they handled losing their firstborn child to a horrible, terrible disease, especially with my mom in the last stages of her pregnancy with my sister.
Mom told me Matthew just wanted to hold his baby sister.....and he did get to. Jen was born very shortly before he died. She also told me he was very strong and understood that he would be going to Heaven and that he would tell her not to cry and not to be sad.
My gosh, how does one handle losing a child like that?
I just know that God's hand has been in this situation from the beginning. I know He grieved and hurt with my family during their loss, and I know he understands MY hurts as well. I take comfort in the fact that I will see my big brother again someday.
No comments:
Post a Comment