Today has been an exceptionally lonely day for me. This loneliness has mostly been contributed to by the fact that I was literally alone all day, but other factors have really helped it feel extra lonely.

First, it's raining. And it's cold. Those two things together do not make me happy. Rain has it's place....like at nighttime when I'm trying to sleep and it's raining hard enough for me to hear it. Or in the summertime when it's still hot outside and the rain is refreshing and cooling. But the one place it does not belong is on days like today.

Another thing that contributed to the loneliness was that my drive to Westport is the same way I use to drive to go see my ex when we were still together, so of course it triggers thoughts of him. Westport was also where we had our first "date". Westport's parking lot was where we sat in the car for an hour after the show and talked and kissed and I listened to him tell me how he hadn't had that much fun in a long time, and that he wanted to be with me so much more than he thought he would want to be with any girl after the heartbreak he'd been through. He told me that he was scared of how much he liked me. He smiled a lot, he made me smile, and he told me he could just sit there all night with me....we just couldn't get enough of eachother and had the hardest time saying goodbye at the end of the evening. It was when things were good....and thinking of good times w/ him don't make it easier to NOT call him.

Thirdly, I currently have no internet (I'm typing this in a word document, and will post it later). There have been a few financial issues over the past couple months, and my internet bill had to wait till this Friday's payday....but it got turned off today, so I'll be w/out it for a week. Without internet, I feel completely disconnected from the world. I keep up with a lot of people through facebook and e-mail. I keep up w/current events, the forecast, my bank account, and lots of other things....through the internet. So, without it, I'm struggling. Even though it's only been a day. And really, I don't even think it's the lack of internet that is the issue as it is knowing that if I need to get in touch w/ someone or look something up, I won't be able to.

I did spend part of my day at Bread Co. so I could do my taxes....I felt good about getting that done, and even better when I saw that I'd be getting $600 back. It's not huge....the last few years have been a lot more....but it will make a big difference.

As I was walking through the rain back to my car, stepping in puddles that were so big they were unavoidable, feeling the water soaking up the legs of my pants, and getting inside my non-weather-appropriate shoes, I thought I'd stop at McDonald's and hit up the Redbox so at least I could occupy myself with something tonight. So I get out of the car, back into the cold, step in another puddle and get rained on even more, only to walk in and hear "The Redbox is broken." So, I turned around, ran back to my car, stepped in more puddles, and got rained on some more....only to arrive back home freezing cold, wet, hungry (all I had at Bread Co. was a mocha), and wondering how in the world I was going to occupy my evening.

The first thing I did was put on a pot of coffee and set up a makeshift coffee table in front of the couch using 2 chairs and one of the old windows I'm going to use for an art project. Pretty sure I'm going to actually turn one of these into a coffee table cuz it looked pretty great. Anyway, I collected all the candles in my apartment and clustered them together and lit them all, thinking it was the next best thing to a fireplace. It almost worked. It was nice and pretty and smelled good.....but it didn't have the crackle and the smell of a fireplace fire.

I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down with "The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership", thinking to myself that this wasn't really what I wanted to be doing tonight but that I'd make due. Anyway, I made it through about 5 chapters, which I thought was pretty good considering that I didn't really want to read this book. Thing is, I like the book. I like the stories in it. But It's not a book I would pick up and read on my own, so it was hard to pick it up when I have two other books on my shelf that I want to read. It turned out to be a very enjoyable time.

When I decided to stop after those 5 chapters (and after I realized I had a lot less reading to do to finish the book than I thought I did because the last big chunk was references and other info that I didn't need to read), a thought struck me....and that is really why I decided to sit down and write this.

The thought I had was this: Maybe God is putting me in situations of intense loneliness so that I learn how to turn to Him and depend on Him.

You see, I have always been a pretty social person. I've always enjoyed being out with friends and loved ones. But up until this past year I have never had such a need for community as I do now. I am at church at least 3 days a week right now, sometimes 4, sometimes more...and I can't get enough of it because it's a place where I get to be around people I love, admire, respect, and who I know love me back. Five days a week at work I get to spend time with fabulous friends that I very much enjoy being with. The little free time I have to myself, I am usually trying to fill up with one on one meetings w/ closer friends or small group activities...to avoid being alone. And if I am stuck at home with nothing to do, I lose myself in the world of facebook and watching movies.

So today was kindof a slap in the face. I truly felt like God was pleading for alone time with me. My biggest distraction, the internet, was gone. The Redbox was broken so I couldn't get movies. The friends I usually spend Sunday evenings with were busy. I don't really think this was coincidence. It was God saying "Spend time with Me!"

Last week in Quarterlife we talked about how prayer is how we communicate with God, and how any good relationship needs good communication. Without communication, there is no relationship....so without prayer, how can you have a relationship with God? I have been working a lot on my prayer life. I've been making more of a point of spending time in prayer every day, if not more than once. I'm not where I want to be, but then things like this don't usually change overnight, do they? (unfortunately)

So anyway, I put a few things together and came to a conclusion. Over the past year I have become someone who is literally dependant on relationships (not boyfriend/girlfriend) and community and time with people I love. Dependant to the point that I can hardly stand to be by myself, and a whole day alone is about enough to make me crazy. Then you add in all the things I've learned about prayer over the past few weeks and my desire to have a closer relationship with God, and it all makes sense.

God really has been turning me into someone who craves time with Him....I just never realized it. It's something I've prayed for for years! I've prayed for a hunger to learn and a desire to read my Bible and spend time with God, and HE HAS ANSWERED!!!

So all in all.....despite the rain and the memories that make my heart ache and the cold.....today was a pretty incredible day. To quote my pastor (from his message yesterday!) "God is answering some of our prayers so slowly and so vividly, we don't even notice." He was answering my prayer all along, He just had to knock a little more sense into me to get me to realize it.