So, I did something that I never thought I would do and I joined an internet dating site. It was very spur-of-the-moment and I only did it because a few friends have tried it and recommended it, and because they were having a special where the monthly membership was almost cut in half.
For the first day it kept telling me the site was unable to find any matches for me, but to remain patient as "thousands of people sign up every day!". My first thought was "Are you kidding me? Millions of people on this site and they can't find ANY that are compatible with me?"
I mean...I know I have some quirks, but doesn't everyone? Everything about me fits right in w/ my personality type, so really I'm not abnormal as far as I can tell.
So finally by the next morning I get six matches. None interest me, so I immediately close them. Six more the next day. And six a day for the next few weeks. There are a couple that I keep open as "maybes" but I refuse to make the first move. Not because I'm a chicken (haha, well...that may be part of it) but really because I want to be pursued and I feel it's the guy's job to make the first move.
Anyway, I had one guy contact me that I didn't even bother with because there was NOTHING about him that interested me. Another guy I got through step one and then I closed him out, too. This third guy...I just finished step 3....and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about actually getting to the email step.
Thing is, this is NOT how I want to meet someone. I just can't see going on a date w/ someone that I'm not friends with first. My only two relationships, even though they weren't good, started off w/ friendship. Maybe not a great one, but we spent a lot of time hanging out before we ended up in a relationship. We kindof eased into it. It made the whole thing much easier and more comfortable. I would imagine you can develop a pretty decent friendship via email if both parties were very interested in the other, but in this case I'm NOT intersted in this guy and I don't think I ever will be. I just feel like I need to give it a shot and see, although chances are I'll read over his profile 30 times until I find something (even if it's tiny) that I don't like and I'll blow it up in my mind and make it a bigger deal than it is and then use it as my reason not to ever meet the guy. This is just what I do.
A couple years back I started hanging out with a guy (that I met online) who was the "type" of guy I should like. A strong Christian, had his own house and a really good job. Someone that, by most girls's standards, was probably very attractive (although I wasn't attracted to him at all). I remember going out w/ him one night and wondering why I wasn't interested in him, but then halfway through the night I found myself looking for every possible reason NOT to be interested. Granted, he made it kindof easy beacuse he barely talked to me at dinner and then disappeared for fairly long periods of time here and there.
I don't really know why I do it. I think it's because when I meet the kind of guy I should be interested in, I freak out if he's interested back because I think "What if this is THE guy? Or what if it's NOT the guy, and I fall for him and then I don't KNOW that he's not the guy because I"m so focused on what I'm supposed to want in a man?" I overanalyze and I nitpick and I basically don't even give some guys a chance that maybe I should have.
But at the same time, I feel like my uber-pickiness has saved me from lots of awkward dates and "I'm just not into you" types of conversations.
So...I'm stressing out over this whole internet dating thing. I don't want to meet someone online, at least not on a dating site. I mean, I get really stinkin lonely, lonely to the point that I want to call my ex and hang out with him just because I would feel less lonely and more desireable. (That's right...he still calls me and tells me how much he misses me. It's been over a year since I last saw him.) I sometimes feel a little hopeless....but not completely hopeless, and I guess I look at trying to meet someone online as desperate. (I understand that it's not that way for a lot of people, so please don't think I'm judging you if you're also on dating sites...I'm just telling MY thoughts on it, based on my experiences.)
So anyway. By tomorrow this "Jeff" guy will probably be gone from my list of matches because I'll find something about him I don't like. And it all stems from this ridiculous fear of going on a date w/ someone that I met over the internet and who I don't have a friendship foundation with.
Ok. Maybe it's not a ridiculous reason. I just feel like if the first time you meet someone it's a "date" then you are already guaranteed to have to have the whole "So where is this going" conversation. If you are FRIENDS first, and I mean GOOD friends, and you know lots about eachother, you know that you like spending time together, you have similar interests, goals, and desires, etc....well, then you don't have to go on an awkward date to figure out if you're into eachother. You already know how you feel about the person, and you just continue hanging out and let things kinda naturally happen.
At least that's how my ideal situation would work out. :)
So yeah, now that's out there...it was something I was a little ashamed of, but I feel like telling people about it at the same time that I tell them how I feel about it makes it a little less embarassing. I went into this thing w/ no hopes or expectations. I actually am more annoyed with it than anything, and wish I could just get my money back and get off the site. It's just WEIRD!!!!!!!
Internet dating can be awesome. It's totally not desperate, although it may be a tad nerdy. That's how I met my boyfriend and we just celebrated our 1st anniversary. That said, from what I read about the setup it seems you've signed up for e-Harmony? I really hate that one. They don't let you browse or message and they send you matches that are completely random and generally bad (as you've probably seen). I have more words for them, but you probably don't want them gracing your blog so I'll refrain. =)
ReplyDeleteI agree the whole internet thing does throw off the whole flirtatious dynamic. Maybe try approaching it as meeting friends? You don't have to worry about who makes the first move (I wouldn't really call sending a message a "move" anyway, asking for the date is the "move"). If it doesn't work out as a relationship, maybe it works out as a friendship? Maybe they're perfect for someone you know that's single. Maybe the guy you meet knows someone single that you'd be perfect for. In any case, you shouldn't really view them as relationships, just meeting new people. Even if there's no sparks you get the ultimate people watching experience. Try to date as many guys concurrently as possible. You'll be less nervous because you're not as invested in each in every date. So what if Friday's date is a bust? Saturday's date could be great. That kind of thing. I know this advice seems counter-productive - you want one, committed relationship, I mean duh! that's what dating sites are for - but it helps you keep the nerves down and a healthy perspective.
From my experience, I tried Match.com over a year ago when they were running a free trial. I collected about a dozen e-mails and went on dates with half of them. Some of the guys that seemed "good on paper" that I thought I should like turned me off (although I couldn't place it till later: they dominated the conversation, were strangely irritable, etc). They didn't last more than a couple dates. Dating several guys let me relax, there's less pressure, and you don't get really invested in one guy just to have it fizzle.
Trust your instincts; you have them for a reason. Try to move to a face-to-face date as soon as possible - setting up a protracted e-mail relationship will not work, and everyone's different in person even if they're not purposefully exaggerating or lying. It's just the way it is. So you may be disappointed when your pen pal who is "good on paper" isn't what you envisioned right off. Best to meet in person when your instincts are most on-target. Do this early on.
Go meet this Jeff guy. Meet a couple more too. At least it's better than calling up that bottom-feeding leech of an ex. (That would be the cleaned-up version, I am trying to respect your blog here!) You've already paid for the service, you might as well get *something* out of it.
And relax and enjoy yourself, worst that can happen is you waste an hour or two of an evening (Just so long as you're safe, please be safe). You don't have to have awkward first dates, you can have a LOT of fun, and maybe even some interesting stories to tell your future kids. =)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI closed the connection w/ Jeff. He's 2 inches shorter than me and I'm not ok w/ that.
ReplyDeleteSee, told you I'd find a reason. :)
Awww, too bad. I hope you find something that works out for you though. You really deserve it.
ReplyDelete(I also hope this comment doesn't double post this time...)