Praying Big Prayers

Last night at Quarterlife we talked about prayer. We talked about praying big, bold prayers, and not being afraid to ask for anything. Coming before God with our petitions like a child comes to his or her parents. Children think their parents can do anything and everything, so no want or need seems too silly or outrageous to ask for.

What little girl hasn't dreamed of being rescued by a handsome prince, falling in love, having a fairy-tale wedding, and living happily ever after? When I was old enough to understand that that's not how things usually worked out, I would still dream and pray that God would send my my "prince charming".

When I was younger, I had my whole life planned out in my head. The kind of house I wanted, how many kids, their names, what pets I would have, what kind of car I would drive, what my husband would be like...but somewhere along the way I stopped thinking like that.

Many would say its just because I grew up and realized that everything wasn't going to be picture perfect, and exactly like I wanted it to be. Maybe because I started to figure out just how difficult life can be sometimes. Maybe because I had my heard broken one too many times. Maybe because I've been stabbed in the back my so-called friends. Maybe because someone who told me he loved me was unfaithful to me. Maybe because I have seen so many things fall apart.

All I know is, I stopped hoping for big things. Instead of dreaming of a house with a beach view (or a big lake, at the very least), I started dreaming about the tiny condo because it was affordable and realistic. Instead of a green '67 Mustang sitting in my driveway, it became a sensible and affordable Toyota Corolla. The family vacations to exotic or overseas locations every year turned into "Maybe someday I'll make it to Florida." The big back yard with a beatiful weed-free vegetable garden, swimming pool, and big trees with a hammock, became a tiny balcony or, if I was lucky, a patio with a little flowerbed around it. Instead of a family of perfectly adorable, obedient, loving children who would turn out wonderfully because I was so determined to be a good parent, I settled on hoping that they would turn out well after I did my best....because sometimes even the best parents end up w/ kids who get in trouble.

I guess part of the problem is that I feel like I'm being greedy if I ask for big things. I can pray my little heart out and beg God to let me have that house on the beach....but then I feel like I'm not being content with where I am, in my little 1-bedroom apartment, a thousand miles away from the nearest beach.

It's so hard to balance the whole "being content" thing with the "my heart longs for so much more" thing.

The biggest realization I had last night as far as what I had stopped praying for was this: The greatest desire I have, the thing that I feel God has put me on earth for, the one thing that I have no control over whatsoever....To be married, to be a wife, to be a mother.

I feel like I have overprayed this one. I've been praying for YEARS....for as long as I can remember....that God would prepare me to be a good wife for someone someday. I honestly never thought I'd make it to 26 without being married. I just assumed that since I felt so strongly that it was my calling in life, that it would happen sooner. But it didn't.

So I guess I just got to the point where I thought "God knows what I want. Why do I have to keep bugging Him about it?"

Can anyone else relate to this?

So last night, for the first time in a LONG time, I told God exactly what I wanted. I cried my eyes out and just felt so good after finally letting it out. I didn't even do that thing so many of us do, where we end our prayers with "if it be Your will" or something along those lines. I just said "This is it, God. You put this desire in my heart. This is what I want. Period."

Now, I realize that some of the specifics I prayed about may or may not be what God has for me, but I'm ok with that. And God is aware of that, so I didn't feel the need to remind Him. :) All I know is that from here on out, my prayer life is going to be different.

And I'm really excited to see the things God is going to do. :)