Last night I got to see David for the first time in three weeks. Entirely too long.
It turned out to be a really great evening, we joked and laughed and teased and even flirted. He came over and helped me hang another shelf, I made yummy burritos for dinner (you know what they say about the way to a man's heart...), and then we headed out to go rock climbing (his first time).
I was actually mildly nervous the whole time, afraid he'd hate it and never want to go back...obviously I wanted him to love it because that means I get to see him more if he starts coming w/ me from time to time. Well, he loved it, and wants to go back, so YAY!
Afterwards, we went to Fuzzy's for Taco Tuesday, which is where David and I had our first date, just a week shy of three months ago. He asked me how many weeks it had been since that day, which I thought was interesting.
On the way home, I just couldn't help myself and I put my hand on his arm for a few seconds. He said something about "crossing the line", I think semi-jokingly, but didn't seem to mind it. Didn't pull his arm away or anything.
So we get back and I lean over and hug him and I realize I'm about to cry. I just kinda buried my face in his neck, he rubbed my back. I told him I had missed him. He told me it was really good getting to hang out, which is close, but not the same as "I missed you, too." I flat out asked him if he was trying to avoid hanging out with me, and he said he wasn't, that he was just busy and still trying to figure some things out.
I was bold and I told him I wanted to kiss him. I don't know why I was feeling that way, maybe because he was being really understanding and since he was rubbing my back and holding my hand I thought maybe he would give in (ha).
He didn't. He told me it wouldn't be right, even though he really liked kissing me. I asked him why it wouldn't be right, and he told me because he knows he isn't ready to offer me what I need and kissing me would possibly end up hurting me more in the end if it doesn't work out. And you see...it's stuff like that that makes me love him. He wanted to kiss me, but he was looking out for me. He told me how amazing he thinks I am (still, which is good) and that he wants me to be happy and not focus on him right not because he can't be what I need. I just wish he could understand that just knowing he wants me, even if it's not the right timing, is enough for me right now. As much as I WANT to kiss him and snuggle with him and do all those fun relationshipy things, I can survive on knowing what I know for now. Knowing where I stand makes a big difference.
He posted a status on Facebook about going climbing and even tagged me in it, which felt like a big deal because he hasn't done that before. I talked to his sister today a bit, since she saw that we had been together. She's really glad we're still talking and that he's spending time w/ me. She said he needs someone like me, which really meant a lot to me. I told her my plan was to just keep coming up w/ projects I need help with and then feed him yummy food when he's here, and that that's how I'd win him over. She thought that was awesome. So....again. Happy.
:)
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Breaking Plans
I'm at a loss, here.
I'm losing him. I've probably already lost him. I truly did not see this coming.
He won't make any real solid plans with me anymore, and if he sorta makes plans w/ me they almost always fall through. I mean, I told him I wanted to be flexible and that if he really needed time to do something else (like cleaning or whatever he feels behind on) then that's ok. But what I didn't expect was that it would mean we never see eachother. Last Friday I got SO excited when he invited me out with some of his friends. He told me it could possibly turn into just a guy's night if the other girls decided not to come, so I knew there was a chance it would fall through, but I hoped it wouldn't. But it did.
On Monday I texted him a picture of some screws and wall anchors and sent some jokey text about not knowing who would come help me hang this shelf. He said he could come by on Thursday (tomorrow) and do it for me. I was surprised, because I thought we'd agreed no hanging out at eachother's houses alone (just to be sure we remained "friend level"). I mean, it was my rule. I said it to appease him, to hopefully make him feel better and hopefully tell him that I still wanted to hang out, but respected the fact that he wanted to stop the physical stuff for now. So yeah, surprised he said he'd come help. Then I invited him to go climbing, and he said yes.
So he calls me yesterday and I find out that it's his friend's birthday tomorrow night and they MIGHT be getting together for that. He said "See, this is why I don't want to make plans, because things like this come up and then I feel bad." He may as well have said "I don't want to make plans with you because something better might come up." I know he didn't mean it that way, but it hurt just the same. I understand, going out for your friend's birthday (once a year thing) versus going climbing (which we can do any time). I would probably want to cancel plans for something like that, too. I get it. But we used to make plans. We used to make a LOT of plans. And they didn't fall through. And we were so dang happy and had so much fun together. I miss that. I still desperately wants to hold on to hope that this will work out, that we'll find our way back to eachother after he's through all this mess. But it's just looking more and more hopeless and it's completely tearing me apart.
The thing that's really annoying is I keep having these random "meltdowns", where I get really upset and emotional and then he does something or says something that makes me realize I was completely overreacting. So, I feel silly every time I get really upset, but I also get scared that we're drifting farther apart and soon he won't even talk to me at all.
I don't know what to do. I'm so lonely but the only person I want is David. Last week, I went out (not on a date) with a guy I dated last year. We stayed friends and ran into eachother a few weeks back and decided to meet and catch up. I was REALLLLLLY into this guy at the time we were dating, but dinner w/ him was weird. Not painful, not awkward. Just....made me wonder why I liked him so much. Maybe it's nothing more than the fact that my heart is elsewhere and I just wanted to be with someone else. Who knows.
I just know that the man of my dreams is pushing me away and I don't know what to do. I know everyone would tell me to walk away at this point...and part of me thinks I should...but I don't know how to. I feel like I just need to tell him that this is tearing me up, that I just need him to be clear about things. Are we friends with a possibility of more in the future? Do you have zero interest in me anymore? Do you even want to hang out with me?
But I'm scared to death of the answers.
Maybe I just need to put up the boundary. Maybe if I don't ask him any of the questions, if I just lay it out for him, that will preserve my heart a bit. Maybe I just need to tell him that I WANT to wait for him, but constantly wondering where I stand, constantly having my plans fall through, feeling like I'm only a backup option....none of that is working for me. It's hurting me. And I can't keep doing this to myself.
Maybe then he'll realize he misses me after a while. But maybe he won't, and I don't want to think about that.
Why can't it just work out for me for once? Haven't I been through enough heart break? How many times do I need to be crushed before things work out?
All I want is for this to be the one. I don't want any more first dates.
I'm losing him. I've probably already lost him. I truly did not see this coming.
He won't make any real solid plans with me anymore, and if he sorta makes plans w/ me they almost always fall through. I mean, I told him I wanted to be flexible and that if he really needed time to do something else (like cleaning or whatever he feels behind on) then that's ok. But what I didn't expect was that it would mean we never see eachother. Last Friday I got SO excited when he invited me out with some of his friends. He told me it could possibly turn into just a guy's night if the other girls decided not to come, so I knew there was a chance it would fall through, but I hoped it wouldn't. But it did.
On Monday I texted him a picture of some screws and wall anchors and sent some jokey text about not knowing who would come help me hang this shelf. He said he could come by on Thursday (tomorrow) and do it for me. I was surprised, because I thought we'd agreed no hanging out at eachother's houses alone (just to be sure we remained "friend level"). I mean, it was my rule. I said it to appease him, to hopefully make him feel better and hopefully tell him that I still wanted to hang out, but respected the fact that he wanted to stop the physical stuff for now. So yeah, surprised he said he'd come help. Then I invited him to go climbing, and he said yes.
So he calls me yesterday and I find out that it's his friend's birthday tomorrow night and they MIGHT be getting together for that. He said "See, this is why I don't want to make plans, because things like this come up and then I feel bad." He may as well have said "I don't want to make plans with you because something better might come up." I know he didn't mean it that way, but it hurt just the same. I understand, going out for your friend's birthday (once a year thing) versus going climbing (which we can do any time). I would probably want to cancel plans for something like that, too. I get it. But we used to make plans. We used to make a LOT of plans. And they didn't fall through. And we were so dang happy and had so much fun together. I miss that. I still desperately wants to hold on to hope that this will work out, that we'll find our way back to eachother after he's through all this mess. But it's just looking more and more hopeless and it's completely tearing me apart.
The thing that's really annoying is I keep having these random "meltdowns", where I get really upset and emotional and then he does something or says something that makes me realize I was completely overreacting. So, I feel silly every time I get really upset, but I also get scared that we're drifting farther apart and soon he won't even talk to me at all.
I don't know what to do. I'm so lonely but the only person I want is David. Last week, I went out (not on a date) with a guy I dated last year. We stayed friends and ran into eachother a few weeks back and decided to meet and catch up. I was REALLLLLLY into this guy at the time we were dating, but dinner w/ him was weird. Not painful, not awkward. Just....made me wonder why I liked him so much. Maybe it's nothing more than the fact that my heart is elsewhere and I just wanted to be with someone else. Who knows.
I just know that the man of my dreams is pushing me away and I don't know what to do. I know everyone would tell me to walk away at this point...and part of me thinks I should...but I don't know how to. I feel like I just need to tell him that this is tearing me up, that I just need him to be clear about things. Are we friends with a possibility of more in the future? Do you have zero interest in me anymore? Do you even want to hang out with me?
But I'm scared to death of the answers.
Maybe I just need to put up the boundary. Maybe if I don't ask him any of the questions, if I just lay it out for him, that will preserve my heart a bit. Maybe I just need to tell him that I WANT to wait for him, but constantly wondering where I stand, constantly having my plans fall through, feeling like I'm only a backup option....none of that is working for me. It's hurting me. And I can't keep doing this to myself.
Maybe then he'll realize he misses me after a while. But maybe he won't, and I don't want to think about that.
Why can't it just work out for me for once? Haven't I been through enough heart break? How many times do I need to be crushed before things work out?
All I want is for this to be the one. I don't want any more first dates.
Sunday, May 22, 2016
I Will Wait
Today was better.
I feel calm, mostly, which is weird. I miss him like mad, but I'm not stressed about it.
It's weird, this feeling of "everything is going to be ok". I kinda don't like it because I realize that everything being ok could very well mean that I don't end up with David. Is that weird? Part of me wants to be more upset. Part of me wants to feel more hurt. This "ok" is unsettling. It's a new feeling for me. I'm usually REALLY upset when something falls apart, no matter how new it was, assuming I liked the guy. I've even been mildly upset over guys I haven't even liked that much, simply because it was still rejection. Or sometimes I had to do the rejecting and that just broke my heart no matter how little I liked the guy.
So, now what?
I guess I continue on with my life and I pray like crazy. This morning I did cry a little, and it was when I prayed that God would give me peace no matter what the outcome, even though there is a certain outcome I really, really want. I don't want to be ok with not ending up back with David. I have had such a rough journey over these last few years (regarding dating and relationships) and I FINALLY found someone who makes my heart feel at peace. I've never been so comfortable with someone in my life, really. I've never felt such amazing, wonderful calm in someone's presence before...like I was just completely confident in where we were headed.
I haven't seen him since last Saturday. I haven't kissed his sweet face in over a week. Everything in me longs for him, yet is somehow still mostly ok with where we currently are. And I don't get it.
He still checks in on me. He still calls. He tells me I'm awesome and that he's glad he met me. I feel like there's hope. I want to be right about that.
I decided I won't get back on any of the dating sites. For now, I'll wait for him. Down the road a while, I'll still wait, but maybe be open to God bringing someone else along...though it will have to be in real-life, not online. And he'll have to pursue the heck out of me, because I'm still going to be mostly waiting for David. I don't know how far down the road that will be, because at this point, I see no other option but waiting.
He has my heart and all my love (though I have not told him) and I just will continue to pray. For God's will to be done, but also for what I want...because I think God wants us to be honest with Him about what we want.
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I feel calm, mostly, which is weird. I miss him like mad, but I'm not stressed about it.
It's weird, this feeling of "everything is going to be ok". I kinda don't like it because I realize that everything being ok could very well mean that I don't end up with David. Is that weird? Part of me wants to be more upset. Part of me wants to feel more hurt. This "ok" is unsettling. It's a new feeling for me. I'm usually REALLY upset when something falls apart, no matter how new it was, assuming I liked the guy. I've even been mildly upset over guys I haven't even liked that much, simply because it was still rejection. Or sometimes I had to do the rejecting and that just broke my heart no matter how little I liked the guy.
So, now what?
I guess I continue on with my life and I pray like crazy. This morning I did cry a little, and it was when I prayed that God would give me peace no matter what the outcome, even though there is a certain outcome I really, really want. I don't want to be ok with not ending up back with David. I have had such a rough journey over these last few years (regarding dating and relationships) and I FINALLY found someone who makes my heart feel at peace. I've never been so comfortable with someone in my life, really. I've never felt such amazing, wonderful calm in someone's presence before...like I was just completely confident in where we were headed.
I haven't seen him since last Saturday. I haven't kissed his sweet face in over a week. Everything in me longs for him, yet is somehow still mostly ok with where we currently are. And I don't get it.
He still checks in on me. He still calls. He tells me I'm awesome and that he's glad he met me. I feel like there's hope. I want to be right about that.
I decided I won't get back on any of the dating sites. For now, I'll wait for him. Down the road a while, I'll still wait, but maybe be open to God bringing someone else along...though it will have to be in real-life, not online. And he'll have to pursue the heck out of me, because I'm still going to be mostly waiting for David. I don't know how far down the road that will be, because at this point, I see no other option but waiting.
He has my heart and all my love (though I have not told him) and I just will continue to pray. For God's will to be done, but also for what I want...because I think God wants us to be honest with Him about what we want.
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
Friday, May 20, 2016
Unknown
I'm in love.
I am completely, madly, head-over-heels in love with the most incredible, amazing, generous, kind, affectionate, adorable, wonderful man I have ever met.
He is the only person who's made me look back at what I once had, what I thought was an incredible relationship and the relationship that I'd measure all others against, and realize that, while it was good, there was something so much better out there.
He has my heart. He has all of me. I'm all in. I'm done looking. I never want to kiss another person ever in my life, or go out on another first date, ever. EVER. I want to spend my life loving him and making him smile and doing his laundry and all that silly stuff.
He is it for me. Maybe it's only been 5 weeks, and I have SO much more to learn about him, but the goodness of his heart is so evident that I don't feel like I need anything else.
Only problem is, he isn't ready. We're in two very different places. I'm ready for a serious relationship, he's still going through a divorce and feels like his life is a mess. He used the word "detached", and I think that hurt the most. I asked him if what we had was based on nothing more than his attraction to me, and he said "Of course not, I think you're a really great person..."
A great person who he finds attractive. Over the past three years I've discovered it's not hard to find guys who feel that way about me, even it if it is just for a short time. But I thought this one was different.
The way he looked at me when we were around his kids and couldn't touch eachother made me think the guy was mad about me. The way he touched me and told me how beautiful I was, when he told me "You're my favorite"...how was I not supposed to think that meant something? Did it really mean nothing? Nothing at all??
The thing is, he IS different. He IS special. I DO love him with everything in me. But he's not ready and he doesn't even know how he'll feel down the road. It scares the shit out of me, but I want to wait for him to be ready, however long that may be. Because I never want to kiss any lips but his ever again. I never want to snuggle on the couch and drink coffee on a Saturday morning with anyone else ever again. He is it for me. And if he's not, then maybe I'm just not meant to be with anyone. THAT is how strongly I feel about this one.
So now, we figure it out from here. He doesn't want to just disappear. He wants us to be friends, though defining that seems to be where we're struggling. I think it's absolutely possible to be friends w/ someone of the opposite sex (I have several great guy friends, so there), but when there are feelings on one or both sides, that's where things get tricky. Is it harder to be away from him completely, or to be with him and know I'm not going to get to kiss him or hold his hand? I don't know. But the idea of not seeing his sweet face just crushes me.
The thing is, even now, I know he'd do anything for me. I know he'd be there for me if I needed him. He's just that wonderful of a person.
I just have such a hard time believing that God would bring someone like him to me only to tear him away and say "Nope, not for you"...I know I've felt like that before, like God was just teasing me, really. With a LOT of different guys that I've been into over the years. But David is the first one I have had no concerns about. There have been little things with all of them, little things I just figured I'd "deal with"...but with David, sure there are things I"d have to adjust to (he's a neat freak...I'm not...yikes!) but it's nothing that would bother me. Even when it looked like things w/ the divorce would get messy and dramatic, I was still ready to take it on. He means that much to me, to put up with whatever it took, no matter how bad it got. I wanted to be the person he talked to and leaned on when things were hard. I wanted to support him no matter what.
But now, I just don't know anymore. I mean, I know how I feel. I know what I want. But I don't know where this will go. I'm a wreck, because I really thought this one would stick around. When he bought us concert tickets for a concert that was a month away, I was blown away because I never made plans that far in advance with anyone. When he told me he wanted to take me to the airport at 3:30 in the morning for a trip that was 2 months from when we met, I thought to myself "This guy is sticking around."
I never dreamed that, at 5 1/2 weeks in, I'd be spending an evening in tears, crying over this unknown. Maybe in some ways it would have been easier if he'd just cut it off completely. Instead, I'm left here with this unknown future with him...maybe we'll end up back together after the divorce is finalized and he can really move on? Maybe we'll be friends for a while and then nothing will come of it? I don't know.
But I know what I want, and maybe, for once in my life, I need to fight for something.
I am completely, madly, head-over-heels in love with the most incredible, amazing, generous, kind, affectionate, adorable, wonderful man I have ever met.
He is the only person who's made me look back at what I once had, what I thought was an incredible relationship and the relationship that I'd measure all others against, and realize that, while it was good, there was something so much better out there.
He has my heart. He has all of me. I'm all in. I'm done looking. I never want to kiss another person ever in my life, or go out on another first date, ever. EVER. I want to spend my life loving him and making him smile and doing his laundry and all that silly stuff.
He is it for me. Maybe it's only been 5 weeks, and I have SO much more to learn about him, but the goodness of his heart is so evident that I don't feel like I need anything else.
Only problem is, he isn't ready. We're in two very different places. I'm ready for a serious relationship, he's still going through a divorce and feels like his life is a mess. He used the word "detached", and I think that hurt the most. I asked him if what we had was based on nothing more than his attraction to me, and he said "Of course not, I think you're a really great person..."
A great person who he finds attractive. Over the past three years I've discovered it's not hard to find guys who feel that way about me, even it if it is just for a short time. But I thought this one was different.
The way he looked at me when we were around his kids and couldn't touch eachother made me think the guy was mad about me. The way he touched me and told me how beautiful I was, when he told me "You're my favorite"...how was I not supposed to think that meant something? Did it really mean nothing? Nothing at all??
The thing is, he IS different. He IS special. I DO love him with everything in me. But he's not ready and he doesn't even know how he'll feel down the road. It scares the shit out of me, but I want to wait for him to be ready, however long that may be. Because I never want to kiss any lips but his ever again. I never want to snuggle on the couch and drink coffee on a Saturday morning with anyone else ever again. He is it for me. And if he's not, then maybe I'm just not meant to be with anyone. THAT is how strongly I feel about this one.
So now, we figure it out from here. He doesn't want to just disappear. He wants us to be friends, though defining that seems to be where we're struggling. I think it's absolutely possible to be friends w/ someone of the opposite sex (I have several great guy friends, so there), but when there are feelings on one or both sides, that's where things get tricky. Is it harder to be away from him completely, or to be with him and know I'm not going to get to kiss him or hold his hand? I don't know. But the idea of not seeing his sweet face just crushes me.
The thing is, even now, I know he'd do anything for me. I know he'd be there for me if I needed him. He's just that wonderful of a person.
I just have such a hard time believing that God would bring someone like him to me only to tear him away and say "Nope, not for you"...I know I've felt like that before, like God was just teasing me, really. With a LOT of different guys that I've been into over the years. But David is the first one I have had no concerns about. There have been little things with all of them, little things I just figured I'd "deal with"...but with David, sure there are things I"d have to adjust to (he's a neat freak...I'm not...yikes!) but it's nothing that would bother me. Even when it looked like things w/ the divorce would get messy and dramatic, I was still ready to take it on. He means that much to me, to put up with whatever it took, no matter how bad it got. I wanted to be the person he talked to and leaned on when things were hard. I wanted to support him no matter what.
But now, I just don't know anymore. I mean, I know how I feel. I know what I want. But I don't know where this will go. I'm a wreck, because I really thought this one would stick around. When he bought us concert tickets for a concert that was a month away, I was blown away because I never made plans that far in advance with anyone. When he told me he wanted to take me to the airport at 3:30 in the morning for a trip that was 2 months from when we met, I thought to myself "This guy is sticking around."
I never dreamed that, at 5 1/2 weeks in, I'd be spending an evening in tears, crying over this unknown. Maybe in some ways it would have been easier if he'd just cut it off completely. Instead, I'm left here with this unknown future with him...maybe we'll end up back together after the divorce is finalized and he can really move on? Maybe we'll be friends for a while and then nothing will come of it? I don't know.
But I know what I want, and maybe, for once in my life, I need to fight for something.
Monday, May 2, 2016
A Lot Can Happen In Three Weeks
So...I've been seeing this new guy for 3 weeks now.
Three glorious, blissful, amazing, better-than-I-could-imagine, weeks. I'm completely smitten, quite possibly even head over heels in love with this guy.
For the first time in 2+ years of dating, I'm with someone I actually believe will stick around. I don't worry that he's going to end things. I don't worry that he's going to lose interest. Instead, things just keep getting better.
He's affectionate. He constantly tells me how amazing, wonderful, beautiful, and special I am. He tells me he doesn't understand why I'm single. He stopped looking at the dating sites as soon as he started talking to me. He lets me ramble on and then tells me he enjoys listening to me talk when I apologize for going on for so long. He always checks to make sure I'm comfortable (sitting on the couch, the temperature in the car, etc). He is so selfless. He's generous (doesn't let me pay for ANYTHING when we're together...he even bought my groceries just because we went to the store together!). He purchased concert tickets for us for a concert that was 3 weeks away (now this Saturday) so he clearly planned on sticking around. He's funny. He's sweet. He's CUTE. Oh, and he's taking me to the airport at 4:00am when I leave for Guatemala NEXT MONTH. And you know what? I know he'll still be around. I know it.
I could go on and on. I am so blown away by this guy. And he's CRAZY about ME and he TELLS me how he feels. There is no wondering. I'm secure. I'm happy. And quite possibly head over heels in love.
Three glorious, blissful, amazing, better-than-I-could-imagine, weeks. I'm completely smitten, quite possibly even head over heels in love with this guy.
For the first time in 2+ years of dating, I'm with someone I actually believe will stick around. I don't worry that he's going to end things. I don't worry that he's going to lose interest. Instead, things just keep getting better.
He's affectionate. He constantly tells me how amazing, wonderful, beautiful, and special I am. He tells me he doesn't understand why I'm single. He stopped looking at the dating sites as soon as he started talking to me. He lets me ramble on and then tells me he enjoys listening to me talk when I apologize for going on for so long. He always checks to make sure I'm comfortable (sitting on the couch, the temperature in the car, etc). He is so selfless. He's generous (doesn't let me pay for ANYTHING when we're together...he even bought my groceries just because we went to the store together!). He purchased concert tickets for us for a concert that was 3 weeks away (now this Saturday) so he clearly planned on sticking around. He's funny. He's sweet. He's CUTE. Oh, and he's taking me to the airport at 4:00am when I leave for Guatemala NEXT MONTH. And you know what? I know he'll still be around. I know it.
I could go on and on. I am so blown away by this guy. And he's CRAZY about ME and he TELLS me how he feels. There is no wondering. I'm secure. I'm happy. And quite possibly head over heels in love.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Dating and the Sensitive Woman
I guess I'm officially back in a dating slump. Or just a life slump. I don't know.
I feel so incredibly pathetic, but I can't stop thinking about Grant. EVERY day I think about reaching out to him, in hopes that he'll give me another chance. I am so angry that I screwed things up like I did. I thought he could handle my honesty.
It's been 2 1/2 weeks since we met. Last Friday was supposed to be our second date. I just kept hoping that he'd text me after a couple days and tell me he was sorry he overreacted to what I said, and that he wanted to try again.
Part of me still hopes, even though I know it won't happen. And that kills me. I know. I know it was only one date. I understand how that sounds. But I can't help it.
I saw more potential with this guy that I have with anyone in a long time, and I SCREWED IT UP before I ever got a chance to see where it could go. And if I'm being honest...it's been a LONG time since I've been kissed the way he kissed me. It's been a long time since I felt ok with the way I looked. He actually built up my self esteem and then just walked away because I said one stupid thing.
I went on another date this past Monday with another dude, went hiking, spent several hours together. I thought we had a good time and good conversation, but I guess he didn't think so because I never heard from him again. I wasn't really into him in that way, anyway, but it still hurt a little that he couldn't even be a man about it. He just disappeared. And instead of being upset about that, it made me upset all over again about Grant. This guy was really nice, but there was really no comparison. Grant was so much more of what I have been looking for.
It's shit like this that makes me feel like giving up. I put my heart out there and I get hurt, over and over, and I just don't know how much more I can take before I don't trust anyone anymore.
I know these posts are probably super repetitive, but as I've said before, to those of you who might actually read these, this is more an outlet for me than something I expect people to read.
I know my issues with dating are not unique to me.
I read this article today, about why dating is harder for sensitive women. They may as well have interviewed me before writing it, it was THAT spot-on. What was interesting was that I thought all my insecurities stemmed from how many times guys have walked out of my life, whether after one date, four dates, or 2 1/2 months. I mean, it probably comes at least partly from that. But, it turns out the need for reassurance and the fear that if you don't hear from them something is wrong, is a totally normal thing for extra sensitive people to deal with. But you know what else is? The fact that I would do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to make that person happy, to make their lives easier. But, for some reason, guys can't handle that.
(Here's the article: http://www.thebolde.com/dating-so-much-harder-sensitive-women/ )
So, here I sit. Eyes finally dry after spending the last half hour crying. Because I want another chance THAT badly, because, as crazy as it is, I miss him that much. It's probably a good thing he has a private Facebook account so there's nothing for me to look at and get upset over. Why do we do that, anyway?
I feel so incredibly pathetic, but I can't stop thinking about Grant. EVERY day I think about reaching out to him, in hopes that he'll give me another chance. I am so angry that I screwed things up like I did. I thought he could handle my honesty.
It's been 2 1/2 weeks since we met. Last Friday was supposed to be our second date. I just kept hoping that he'd text me after a couple days and tell me he was sorry he overreacted to what I said, and that he wanted to try again.
Part of me still hopes, even though I know it won't happen. And that kills me. I know. I know it was only one date. I understand how that sounds. But I can't help it.
I saw more potential with this guy that I have with anyone in a long time, and I SCREWED IT UP before I ever got a chance to see where it could go. And if I'm being honest...it's been a LONG time since I've been kissed the way he kissed me. It's been a long time since I felt ok with the way I looked. He actually built up my self esteem and then just walked away because I said one stupid thing.
I went on another date this past Monday with another dude, went hiking, spent several hours together. I thought we had a good time and good conversation, but I guess he didn't think so because I never heard from him again. I wasn't really into him in that way, anyway, but it still hurt a little that he couldn't even be a man about it. He just disappeared. And instead of being upset about that, it made me upset all over again about Grant. This guy was really nice, but there was really no comparison. Grant was so much more of what I have been looking for.
It's shit like this that makes me feel like giving up. I put my heart out there and I get hurt, over and over, and I just don't know how much more I can take before I don't trust anyone anymore.
I know these posts are probably super repetitive, but as I've said before, to those of you who might actually read these, this is more an outlet for me than something I expect people to read.
I know my issues with dating are not unique to me.
I read this article today, about why dating is harder for sensitive women. They may as well have interviewed me before writing it, it was THAT spot-on. What was interesting was that I thought all my insecurities stemmed from how many times guys have walked out of my life, whether after one date, four dates, or 2 1/2 months. I mean, it probably comes at least partly from that. But, it turns out the need for reassurance and the fear that if you don't hear from them something is wrong, is a totally normal thing for extra sensitive people to deal with. But you know what else is? The fact that I would do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to make that person happy, to make their lives easier. But, for some reason, guys can't handle that.
(Here's the article: http://www.thebolde.com/dating-so-much-harder-sensitive-women/ )
So, here I sit. Eyes finally dry after spending the last half hour crying. Because I want another chance THAT badly, because, as crazy as it is, I miss him that much. It's probably a good thing he has a private Facebook account so there's nothing for me to look at and get upset over. Why do we do that, anyway?
Monday, March 21, 2016
Screwed up again.
I messed up.
I scared another guy away with my insecurities. This might be a new record for me, completely ruining things before we even make it to the second date we had planned.
i'm completely crushed, not so much over losing my shot with this guy (though there is that), but because this time was completely my fault. Completely.
I texted him, telling him how I was feeling, worded it wrong, and it just turned into a bigger issue than I meant for it to be. All I wanted was a response of "Yeah, I'm looking forward to Friday". But instead, I worded it wrong and it all fell apart and now he's gone.
And I feel like the biggest piece of shit right now, for making him feel like I was trying guilt him into something, for making him think I expected him to drop everything and respond to me, which is NOT what I wanted. It's his birthday and he was spending the evening with his kids. Of course I didn't want to interrupt that. But I did.
I made him a little gift. Nothing big, because we've only had one date, but something thoughtful that I thought he'd appreciate. And instead, that made him feel bad, too. I thought maybe it was too fast....but I really thought about it and felt like it would be ok.
I am just so, so tired of getting my hopes up only to be crushed over, and over, and over again. THIS is why I'm insecure. The men who can't handle my insecurity are the ones who make me more insecure. It's a never-ending cycle and I don't know how to get away from it.
The last guy appreciated that I was open about my insecurities up front, but he still disappeared after 6 weeks of texting. This time, I try to be honest (though I didn't lay it all out like I did with the last one) and it blew up in my face. With other guys, if I DON'T tell them up front, they figure it out on their own over time, after feelings have developed, and then it hurts more when they leave.
I just can't win. I am starting to believe there isn't anyone out there willing to put up with the mess that I am. I have such a big heart, so much love and affection to give, but it's not enough.
God, I don't know where to go from here. My heart can NOT take any more of this.
I scared another guy away with my insecurities. This might be a new record for me, completely ruining things before we even make it to the second date we had planned.
i'm completely crushed, not so much over losing my shot with this guy (though there is that), but because this time was completely my fault. Completely.
I texted him, telling him how I was feeling, worded it wrong, and it just turned into a bigger issue than I meant for it to be. All I wanted was a response of "Yeah, I'm looking forward to Friday". But instead, I worded it wrong and it all fell apart and now he's gone.
And I feel like the biggest piece of shit right now, for making him feel like I was trying guilt him into something, for making him think I expected him to drop everything and respond to me, which is NOT what I wanted. It's his birthday and he was spending the evening with his kids. Of course I didn't want to interrupt that. But I did.
I made him a little gift. Nothing big, because we've only had one date, but something thoughtful that I thought he'd appreciate. And instead, that made him feel bad, too. I thought maybe it was too fast....but I really thought about it and felt like it would be ok.
I am just so, so tired of getting my hopes up only to be crushed over, and over, and over again. THIS is why I'm insecure. The men who can't handle my insecurity are the ones who make me more insecure. It's a never-ending cycle and I don't know how to get away from it.
The last guy appreciated that I was open about my insecurities up front, but he still disappeared after 6 weeks of texting. This time, I try to be honest (though I didn't lay it all out like I did with the last one) and it blew up in my face. With other guys, if I DON'T tell them up front, they figure it out on their own over time, after feelings have developed, and then it hurts more when they leave.
I just can't win. I am starting to believe there isn't anyone out there willing to put up with the mess that I am. I have such a big heart, so much love and affection to give, but it's not enough.
God, I don't know where to go from here. My heart can NOT take any more of this.
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