I guess I'm officially back in a dating slump. Or just a life slump. I don't know.
I feel so incredibly pathetic, but I can't stop thinking about Grant. EVERY day I think about reaching out to him, in hopes that he'll give me another chance. I am so angry that I screwed things up like I did. I thought he could handle my honesty.
It's been 2 1/2 weeks since we met. Last Friday was supposed to be our second date. I just kept hoping that he'd text me after a couple days and tell me he was sorry he overreacted to what I said, and that he wanted to try again.
Part of me still hopes, even though I know it won't happen. And that kills me. I know. I know it was only one date. I understand how that sounds. But I can't help it.
I saw more potential with this guy that I have with anyone in a long time, and I SCREWED IT UP before I ever got a chance to see where it could go. And if I'm being honest...it's been a LONG time since I've been kissed the way he kissed me. It's been a long time since I felt ok with the way I looked. He actually built up my self esteem and then just walked away because I said one stupid thing.
I went on another date this past Monday with another dude, went hiking, spent several hours together. I thought we had a good time and good conversation, but I guess he didn't think so because I never heard from him again. I wasn't really into him in that way, anyway, but it still hurt a little that he couldn't even be a man about it. He just disappeared. And instead of being upset about that, it made me upset all over again about Grant. This guy was really nice, but there was really no comparison. Grant was so much more of what I have been looking for.
It's shit like this that makes me feel like giving up. I put my heart out there and I get hurt, over and over, and I just don't know how much more I can take before I don't trust anyone anymore.
I know these posts are probably super repetitive, but as I've said before, to those of you who might actually read these, this is more an outlet for me than something I expect people to read.
I know my issues with dating are not unique to me.
I read this article today, about why dating is harder for sensitive women. They may as well have interviewed me before writing it, it was THAT spot-on. What was interesting was that I thought all my insecurities stemmed from how many times guys have walked out of my life, whether after one date, four dates, or 2 1/2 months. I mean, it probably comes at least partly from that. But, it turns out the need for reassurance and the fear that if you don't hear from them something is wrong, is a totally normal thing for extra sensitive people to deal with. But you know what else is? The fact that I would do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to make that person happy, to make their lives easier. But, for some reason, guys can't handle that.
(Here's the article: http://www.thebolde.com/dating-so-much-harder-sensitive-women/ )
So, here I sit. Eyes finally dry after spending the last half hour crying. Because I want another chance THAT badly, because, as crazy as it is, I miss him that much. It's probably a good thing he has a private Facebook account so there's nothing for me to look at and get upset over. Why do we do that, anyway?
No comments:
Post a Comment