Screwed up again.

I messed up.

I scared another guy away with my insecurities. This might be a new record for me, completely ruining things before we even make it to the second date we had planned.

i'm completely crushed, not so much over losing my shot with this guy (though there is that), but because this time was completely my fault. Completely.

I texted him, telling him how I was feeling, worded it wrong, and it just turned into a bigger issue than I meant for it to be. All I wanted was a response of "Yeah, I'm looking forward to Friday". But instead, I worded it wrong and it all fell apart and now he's gone.

And I feel like the biggest piece of shit right now, for making him feel like I was trying guilt him into something, for making him think I expected him to drop everything and respond to me, which is NOT what I wanted. It's his birthday and he was spending the evening with his kids. Of course I didn't want to interrupt that. But I did.

I made him a little gift. Nothing big, because we've only had one date, but something thoughtful that I thought he'd appreciate. And instead, that made him feel bad, too. I thought maybe it was too fast....but I really thought about it and felt like it would be ok.

I am just so, so tired of getting my hopes up only to be crushed over, and over, and over again. THIS is why I'm insecure. The men who can't handle my insecurity are the ones who make me more insecure. It's a never-ending cycle and I don't know how to get away from it.

The last guy appreciated that I was open about my insecurities up front, but he still disappeared after 6 weeks of texting. This time, I try to be honest (though I didn't lay it all out like I did with the last one) and it blew up in my face. With other guys, if I DON'T tell them up front, they figure it out on their own over time, after feelings have developed, and then it hurts more when they leave.

I just can't win. I am starting to believe there isn't anyone out there willing to put up with the mess that I am. I have such a big heart, so much love and affection to give, but it's not enough.

God, I don't know where to go from here. My heart can NOT take any more of this.