Stupid Insecurity

I can't seem to figure out how to get past this insane insecurity I feel when dating someone new. I hate it. I hate what it does to me. I hate that it makes me feel crazy. I hate that it makes me feel obsessive, needy, clingy, and desperate. I hate that my insecurity very well may be what has chased more than one guy away, because maybe I am not good at hiding it.

When the best relationship you've ever had only lasted 2 1/2 months, and everything you've had in the three years since then lasts no more than 3 or 4 dates or a couple of weeks, it's hard not to feel insecure at the beginning.

I know I've talked about this in previous posts, but I'm sick about it right now, so I feel the need to get it out.

I started talking to a new guy a few weeks back after an approximately 5-month hiatus from dating (Ok, there was one guy in the middle but it only lasted 2 dates, so it barely counts). I typically like to meet a guy pretty quickly rather than spending a lot of time talking first. The reason for this is that, in the past, I've met guys after talking a couple weeks, there are already feelings involved, and then in person we have absolutely no chemistry. It is just easier to meet quickly and determine if there's attraction / chemistry / ability to carry on a conversation BEFORE you spend so much time texting that you're already feeling the feelings. Make sense? It does for me.

So, we tried to plan a date for just a few days out. In the few days between our initial contact and what was supposed to be our first date, I decided that maybe I wasn't all that interested and tried to give him an out. He didn't take it, which at the time bothered me, because I didn't really want to go out w/ him. Then we kept talking and I started to change my mind. I started to think maybe I should give him a chance. Then he canceled the date due to something that came up (he has kids, so I imagine it was something involving them) and I was really disappointed. It ended up being a week and a half before we were able to reschedule, so at that point we'd be talking for two weeks and I was definitely, by that point, starting to be really interested and really excited to meet him.

So, we met. First date was really, really good. He is definitely different than anyone I've ever dated, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. :) I won't go into a lot of detail, but just know it went really well and we scheduled date #2 before we parted ways for the evening. (That in itself was a big deal...it's so nice not to be texing for weeks on end trying to figure out a date...we just had it planned!)

Anyway. It's been five days since that date and our next one isn't until this Friday. He's a very busy guy, between work, taking care of his kids, and some other things he does on the side. I don't hear from him a whole lot. Sometimes I text him and it's HOURS before I get a response. I KNOW he's busy...but still, cue the insecurity.

I've barely heard from him today. I know he was at work and I know he has stuff he does on Sunday nights. But I still can't handle it. I still find myself thinking he has surely lost interest. Maybe I'm annoying him. Maybe he met someone else. Maybe he's realizing he's too busy for dating. Maybe he'll just disappear and not text me anymore. Maybe he'll cancel the date. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe I'm not good enough, pretty enough, interesting enough, smart enough, funny enough...

And here's the thing....I WILL be all of those things for the right person, so really, it shouldn't be an issue. If I'm not good/pretty/interesting/smart/funny enough for a guy...then I don't want to be with him.

But when I LIKE someone, when I'm hopeful that maybe THIS will be the one - THAT is when I can't stand it. And I don't know what to do to get over the insecurities. I am constantly expecting the worst. I need SO much reassurance, it's ridiculous.

But really, it doesn't take a lot. If I don't text him in the morning, and he texts me to say hi / how's your day / good morning....that does a lot to reassure me. If I get a middle of the day "How is your day going?" text, that goes a long way. A random, "Looking forward to seeing you on Friday" reassures me. I don't need constant texting all throughout the day. I just need to know he wants to see me, that he's looking forward to it, or that he's randomly thinking about me throughout the day. It's not a lot to ask, I don't think, but I've heard that men compartmentalize things so well that they can literally just not think about something because they're busy thinking about something else or focusing on another task. Is that true?

I just wish I didn't need it so badly. I just want to be able to be content w/ the fact that we have another date planned, that while we were on date #1 he reassured me SEVERAL times in SEVERAL ways that we would absolutely see eachother again, beyond just nailing down date #2. So, why isn't that enough to sustain me for a week and a half? Why do I need more?

*sigh*

Is it better to tell a guy up front about these insecurities, so I can tell him I'm working on it, or let him figure it out on his own down the road when he realizes he can't handle it? I'm all for being an open book and laying it all out there at the beginning...because if he's gonna bolt, I'd rather it happen sooner rather than later, you know?

All that being said, I'm trying really hard to focus more on my relationship w/ God, to work harder at letting HIM sustain me. It's easier said than done. I WANT to have a stronger desire to really focus on God. I've prayed for it so many times, in tearful, heart-wrenching prayers. So, I will continue to work on that and pray daily that God takes away the insecurities. I am a daughter of the King, and that really should be enough.