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I'm in love.

I am completely, madly, head-over-heels in love with the most incredible, amazing, generous, kind, affectionate, adorable, wonderful man I have ever met.

He is the only person who's made me look back at what I once had, what I thought was an incredible relationship and the relationship that I'd measure all others against, and realize that, while it was good, there was something so much better out there.

He has my heart. He has all of me. I'm all in. I'm done looking. I never want to kiss another person ever in my life, or go out on another first date, ever. EVER. I want to spend my life loving him and making him smile and doing his laundry and all that silly stuff.

He is it for me. Maybe it's only been 5 weeks, and I have SO much more to learn about him, but the goodness of his heart is so evident that I don't feel like I need anything else.

Only problem is, he isn't ready. We're in two very different places. I'm ready for a serious relationship, he's still going through a divorce and feels like his life is a mess. He used the word "detached", and I think that hurt the most. I asked him if what we had was based on nothing more than his attraction to me, and he said "Of course not, I think you're a really great person..."

A great person who he finds attractive. Over the past three years I've discovered it's not hard to find guys who feel that way about me, even it if it is just for a short time. But I thought this one was different.

The way he looked at me when we were around his kids and couldn't touch eachother made me think the guy was mad about me. The way he touched me and told me how beautiful I was, when he told me "You're my favorite"...how was I not supposed to think that meant something? Did it really mean nothing? Nothing at all??

The thing is, he IS different. He IS special. I DO love him with everything in me. But he's not ready and he doesn't even know how he'll feel down the road. It scares the shit out of me, but I want to wait for him to be ready, however long that may be. Because I never want to kiss any lips but his ever again. I never want to snuggle on the couch and drink coffee on a Saturday morning with anyone else ever again. He is it for me. And if he's not, then maybe I'm just not meant to be with anyone. THAT is how strongly I feel about this one.

So now, we figure it out from here. He doesn't want to just disappear. He wants us to be friends, though defining that seems to be where we're struggling. I think it's absolutely possible to be friends w/ someone of the opposite sex (I have several great guy friends, so there), but when there are feelings on one or both sides, that's where things get tricky. Is it harder to be away from him completely, or to be with him and know I'm not going to get to kiss him or hold his hand? I don't know. But the idea of not seeing his sweet face just crushes me.

The thing is, even now, I know he'd do anything for me. I know he'd be there for me if I needed him. He's just that wonderful of a person.

I just have such a hard time believing that God would bring someone like him to me only to tear him away and say "Nope, not for you"...I know I've felt like that before, like God was just teasing me, really. With a LOT of different guys that I've been into over the years. But David is the first one I have had no concerns about. There have been little things with all of them, little things I just figured I'd "deal with"...but with David, sure there are things I"d have to adjust to (he's a neat freak...I'm not...yikes!) but it's nothing that would bother me. Even when it looked like things w/ the divorce would get messy and dramatic, I was still ready to take it on. He means that much to me, to put up with whatever it took, no matter how bad it got. I wanted to be the person he talked to and leaned on when things were hard. I wanted to support him no matter what.

But now, I just don't know anymore. I mean, I know how I feel. I know what I want. But I don't know where this will go. I'm a wreck, because I really thought this one would stick around. When he bought us concert tickets for a concert that was a month away, I was blown away because I never made plans that far in advance with anyone. When he told me he wanted to take me to the airport at 3:30 in the morning for a trip that was 2 months from when we met, I thought to myself "This guy is sticking around."

I never dreamed that, at 5 1/2 weeks in, I'd be spending an evening in tears, crying over this unknown. Maybe in some ways it would have been easier if he'd just cut it off completely. Instead, I'm left here with this unknown future with him...maybe we'll end up back together after the divorce is finalized and he can really move on? Maybe we'll be friends for a while and then nothing will come of it? I don't know.

But I know what I want, and maybe, for once in my life, I need to fight for something.