I Will Wait

Today was better.

I feel calm, mostly, which is weird. I miss him like mad, but I'm not stressed about it.

It's weird, this feeling of "everything is going to be ok". I kinda don't like it because I realize that everything being ok could very well mean that I don't end up with David. Is that weird? Part of me wants to be more upset. Part of me wants to feel more hurt. This "ok" is unsettling. It's a new feeling for me. I'm usually REALLY upset when something falls apart, no matter how new it was, assuming I liked the guy. I've even been mildly upset over guys I haven't even liked that much, simply because it was still rejection. Or sometimes I had to do the rejecting and that just broke my heart no matter how little I liked the guy.

So, now what?

I guess I continue on with my life and I pray like crazy. This morning I did cry a little, and it was when I prayed that God would give me peace no matter what the outcome, even though there is a certain outcome I really, really want. I don't want to be ok with not ending up back with David. I have had such a rough journey over these last few years (regarding dating and relationships) and I FINALLY found someone who makes my heart feel at peace. I've never been so comfortable with someone in my life, really. I've never felt such amazing, wonderful calm in someone's presence before...like I was just completely confident in where we were headed.

I haven't seen him since last Saturday. I haven't kissed his sweet face in over a week. Everything in me longs for him, yet is somehow still mostly ok with where we currently are. And I don't get it.

He still checks in on me. He still calls. He tells me I'm awesome and that he's glad he met me. I feel like there's hope. I want to be right about that.

I decided I won't get back on any of the dating sites. For now, I'll wait for him. Down the road a while, I'll still wait, but maybe be open to God bringing someone else along...though it will have to be in real-life, not online. And he'll have to pursue the heck out of me, because I'm still going to be mostly waiting for David. I don't know how far down the road that will be, because at this point, I see no other option but waiting.

He has my heart and all my love (though I have not told him) and I just will continue to pray. For God's will to be done, but also for what I want...because I think God wants us to be honest with Him about what we want.



Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you