Clarity

Last night I got to see David for the first time in three weeks. Entirely too long.

It turned out to be a really great evening, we joked and laughed and teased and even flirted. He came over and helped me hang another shelf, I made yummy burritos for dinner (you know what they say about the way to a man's heart...), and then we headed out to go rock climbing (his first time).

I was actually mildly nervous the whole time, afraid he'd hate it and never want to go back...obviously I wanted him to love it because that means I get to see him more if he starts coming w/ me from time to time. Well, he loved it, and wants to go back, so YAY!

Afterwards, we went to Fuzzy's for Taco Tuesday, which is where David and I had our first date, just a week shy of three months ago. He asked me how many weeks it had been since that day, which I thought was interesting.

On the way home, I just couldn't help myself and I put my hand on his arm for a few seconds. He said something about "crossing the line", I think semi-jokingly, but didn't seem to mind it. Didn't pull his arm away or anything.

So we get back and I lean over and hug him and I realize I'm about to cry. I just kinda buried my face in his neck, he rubbed my back. I told him I had missed him. He told me it was really good getting to hang out, which is close, but not the same as "I missed you, too." I flat out asked him if he was trying to avoid hanging out with me, and he said he wasn't, that he was just busy and still trying to figure some things out.

I was bold and I told him I wanted to kiss him. I don't know why I was feeling that way, maybe because he was being really understanding and since he was rubbing my back and holding my hand I thought maybe he would give in (ha).

He didn't. He told me it wouldn't be right, even though he really liked kissing me. I asked him why it wouldn't be right, and he told me because he knows he isn't ready to offer me what I need and kissing me would possibly end up hurting me more in the end if it doesn't work out. And you see...it's stuff like that that makes me love him. He wanted to kiss me, but he was looking out for me. He told me how amazing he thinks I am (still, which is good) and that he wants me to be happy and not focus on him right not because he can't be what I need. I just wish he could understand that just knowing he wants me, even if it's not the right timing, is enough for me right now. As much as I WANT to kiss him and snuggle with him and do all those fun relationshipy things, I can survive on knowing what I know for now. Knowing where I stand makes a big difference.

He posted a status on Facebook about going climbing and even tagged me in it, which felt like a big deal because he hasn't done that before. I talked to his sister today a bit, since she saw that we had been together. She's really glad we're still talking and that he's spending time w/ me. She said he needs someone like me, which really meant a lot to me. I told her my plan was to just keep coming up w/ projects I need help with and then feed him yummy food when he's here, and that that's how I'd win him over. She thought that was awesome. So....again. Happy.

:)