Dating and the Sensitive Woman

I guess I'm officially back in a dating slump. Or just a life slump. I don't know.

I feel so incredibly pathetic, but I can't stop thinking about Grant. EVERY day I think about reaching out to him, in hopes that he'll give me another chance. I am so angry that I screwed things up like I did. I thought he could handle my honesty.

It's been 2 1/2 weeks since we met. Last Friday was supposed to be our second date. I just kept hoping that he'd text me after a couple days and tell me he was sorry he overreacted to what I said, and that he wanted to try again.

Part of me still hopes, even though I know it won't happen. And that kills me. I know. I know it was only one date. I understand how that sounds. But I can't help it.

I saw more potential with this guy that I have with anyone in a long time, and I SCREWED IT UP before I ever got a chance to see where it could go. And if I'm being honest...it's been a LONG time since I've been kissed the way he kissed me. It's been a long time since I felt ok with the way I looked. He actually built up my self esteem and then just walked away because I said one stupid thing.

I went on another date this past Monday with another dude, went hiking, spent several hours together. I thought we had a good time and good conversation, but I guess he didn't think so because I never heard from him again. I wasn't really into him in that way, anyway, but it still hurt a little that he couldn't even be a man about it. He just disappeared. And instead of being upset about that, it made me upset all over again about Grant. This guy was really nice, but there was really no comparison. Grant was so much more of what I have been looking for.

It's shit like this that makes me feel like giving up. I put my heart out there and I get hurt, over and over, and I just don't know how much more I can take before I don't trust anyone anymore.

I know these posts are probably super repetitive, but as I've said before, to those of you who might actually read these, this is more an outlet for me than something I expect people to read.

I know my issues with dating are not unique to me.

I read this article today, about why dating is harder for sensitive women. They may as well have interviewed me before writing it, it was THAT spot-on. What was interesting was that I thought all my insecurities stemmed from how many times guys have walked out of my life, whether after one date, four dates, or 2 1/2 months. I mean, it probably comes at least partly from that. But, it turns out the need for reassurance and the fear that if you don't hear from them something is wrong, is a totally normal thing for extra sensitive people to deal with. But you know what else is? The fact that I would do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to make that person happy, to make their lives easier. But, for some reason, guys can't handle that.

(Here's the article: http://www.thebolde.com/dating-so-much-harder-sensitive-women/ )

So, here I sit. Eyes finally dry after spending the last half hour crying. Because I want another chance THAT badly, because, as crazy as it is, I miss him that much. It's probably a good thing he has a private Facebook account so there's nothing for me to look at and get upset over. Why do we do that, anyway?

Screwed up again.

I messed up.

I scared another guy away with my insecurities. This might be a new record for me, completely ruining things before we even make it to the second date we had planned.

i'm completely crushed, not so much over losing my shot with this guy (though there is that), but because this time was completely my fault. Completely.

I texted him, telling him how I was feeling, worded it wrong, and it just turned into a bigger issue than I meant for it to be. All I wanted was a response of "Yeah, I'm looking forward to Friday". But instead, I worded it wrong and it all fell apart and now he's gone.

And I feel like the biggest piece of shit right now, for making him feel like I was trying guilt him into something, for making him think I expected him to drop everything and respond to me, which is NOT what I wanted. It's his birthday and he was spending the evening with his kids. Of course I didn't want to interrupt that. But I did.

I made him a little gift. Nothing big, because we've only had one date, but something thoughtful that I thought he'd appreciate. And instead, that made him feel bad, too. I thought maybe it was too fast....but I really thought about it and felt like it would be ok.

I am just so, so tired of getting my hopes up only to be crushed over, and over, and over again. THIS is why I'm insecure. The men who can't handle my insecurity are the ones who make me more insecure. It's a never-ending cycle and I don't know how to get away from it.

The last guy appreciated that I was open about my insecurities up front, but he still disappeared after 6 weeks of texting. This time, I try to be honest (though I didn't lay it all out like I did with the last one) and it blew up in my face. With other guys, if I DON'T tell them up front, they figure it out on their own over time, after feelings have developed, and then it hurts more when they leave.

I just can't win. I am starting to believe there isn't anyone out there willing to put up with the mess that I am. I have such a big heart, so much love and affection to give, but it's not enough.

God, I don't know where to go from here. My heart can NOT take any more of this.

Stupid Insecurity

I can't seem to figure out how to get past this insane insecurity I feel when dating someone new. I hate it. I hate what it does to me. I hate that it makes me feel crazy. I hate that it makes me feel obsessive, needy, clingy, and desperate. I hate that my insecurity very well may be what has chased more than one guy away, because maybe I am not good at hiding it.

When the best relationship you've ever had only lasted 2 1/2 months, and everything you've had in the three years since then lasts no more than 3 or 4 dates or a couple of weeks, it's hard not to feel insecure at the beginning.

I know I've talked about this in previous posts, but I'm sick about it right now, so I feel the need to get it out.

I started talking to a new guy a few weeks back after an approximately 5-month hiatus from dating (Ok, there was one guy in the middle but it only lasted 2 dates, so it barely counts). I typically like to meet a guy pretty quickly rather than spending a lot of time talking first. The reason for this is that, in the past, I've met guys after talking a couple weeks, there are already feelings involved, and then in person we have absolutely no chemistry. It is just easier to meet quickly and determine if there's attraction / chemistry / ability to carry on a conversation BEFORE you spend so much time texting that you're already feeling the feelings. Make sense? It does for me.

So, we tried to plan a date for just a few days out. In the few days between our initial contact and what was supposed to be our first date, I decided that maybe I wasn't all that interested and tried to give him an out. He didn't take it, which at the time bothered me, because I didn't really want to go out w/ him. Then we kept talking and I started to change my mind. I started to think maybe I should give him a chance. Then he canceled the date due to something that came up (he has kids, so I imagine it was something involving them) and I was really disappointed. It ended up being a week and a half before we were able to reschedule, so at that point we'd be talking for two weeks and I was definitely, by that point, starting to be really interested and really excited to meet him.

So, we met. First date was really, really good. He is definitely different than anyone I've ever dated, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. :) I won't go into a lot of detail, but just know it went really well and we scheduled date #2 before we parted ways for the evening. (That in itself was a big deal...it's so nice not to be texing for weeks on end trying to figure out a date...we just had it planned!)

Anyway. It's been five days since that date and our next one isn't until this Friday. He's a very busy guy, between work, taking care of his kids, and some other things he does on the side. I don't hear from him a whole lot. Sometimes I text him and it's HOURS before I get a response. I KNOW he's busy...but still, cue the insecurity.

I've barely heard from him today. I know he was at work and I know he has stuff he does on Sunday nights. But I still can't handle it. I still find myself thinking he has surely lost interest. Maybe I'm annoying him. Maybe he met someone else. Maybe he's realizing he's too busy for dating. Maybe he'll just disappear and not text me anymore. Maybe he'll cancel the date. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe I'm not good enough, pretty enough, interesting enough, smart enough, funny enough...

And here's the thing....I WILL be all of those things for the right person, so really, it shouldn't be an issue. If I'm not good/pretty/interesting/smart/funny enough for a guy...then I don't want to be with him.

But when I LIKE someone, when I'm hopeful that maybe THIS will be the one - THAT is when I can't stand it. And I don't know what to do to get over the insecurities. I am constantly expecting the worst. I need SO much reassurance, it's ridiculous.

But really, it doesn't take a lot. If I don't text him in the morning, and he texts me to say hi / how's your day / good morning....that does a lot to reassure me. If I get a middle of the day "How is your day going?" text, that goes a long way. A random, "Looking forward to seeing you on Friday" reassures me. I don't need constant texting all throughout the day. I just need to know he wants to see me, that he's looking forward to it, or that he's randomly thinking about me throughout the day. It's not a lot to ask, I don't think, but I've heard that men compartmentalize things so well that they can literally just not think about something because they're busy thinking about something else or focusing on another task. Is that true?

I just wish I didn't need it so badly. I just want to be able to be content w/ the fact that we have another date planned, that while we were on date #1 he reassured me SEVERAL times in SEVERAL ways that we would absolutely see eachother again, beyond just nailing down date #2. So, why isn't that enough to sustain me for a week and a half? Why do I need more?

*sigh*

Is it better to tell a guy up front about these insecurities, so I can tell him I'm working on it, or let him figure it out on his own down the road when he realizes he can't handle it? I'm all for being an open book and laying it all out there at the beginning...because if he's gonna bolt, I'd rather it happen sooner rather than later, you know?

All that being said, I'm trying really hard to focus more on my relationship w/ God, to work harder at letting HIM sustain me. It's easier said than done. I WANT to have a stronger desire to really focus on God. I've prayed for it so many times, in tearful, heart-wrenching prayers. So, I will continue to work on that and pray daily that God takes away the insecurities. I am a daughter of the King, and that really should be enough.

It was a good year.

Since the majority of my posts over the last couple years have been about my dating life (or, more realistically, my breakup life...ha), I feel I should update you on where I am right now.

Mike got engaged in December, and you know what? I found myself feeling happy for him. I feel really good about that. I'm over him. This last year has been really good as far as feeling more like myself again, not crying over him anymore, and just being 100% ready to move on. The three year anniversary of our breakup was last week and I barely noticed it. The last two years, it was a really hard, emotional day for me. So. Progress. Big progress.

I want to get back to writing more, but not just about relationship stuff. I never intended for this blog to become what it did, it just ended up being a safe place for me to dump my feelings and those were the things I needed to dump about.

This past year has been a really good year for me. Last March I started rock climbing. I loved it so much I purchased my own harness and shoes almost immediately. Shortly after that I started doing yoga. In December I ran (yes....I ran. I know that's a miracle in itself) my first 5k. Took me 45 minutes, but I ran (slowly) almost the entire thing. I used to barely be able to run a mile when I was in high school, and never really attempted it again after that because I hated P.E. class so much and swore I wouldn't run anymore. Ha. Funny. I ended up spending $120 on real running shoes. Bought cute running clothes. Bought one of those belts you can hold your stuff in while you run. It made the runs less miserable because I got to wear cute outfits.

Over the summer I went kayaking for the first time and loved it (I knew I would, though). I kayaked on the ocean just a couple weeks ago in San Diego, and that was probably the most exhilarating thing I've ever done. I was actually really nervous, mostly about getting through the breaking waves, but it ended up being a blast. If I lived near an ocean, I would go kayaking all the time. On top of that, the trip to California was my first time traveling alone by airplane. I didn't get lost. I didn't miss flights. I used Uber. I felt like such a grown-up. I also learned that I definitely do not enjoy traveling alone.

I went hiking for several hours on an 11 degree day, which is not something I ever thought I'd do. I don't like being cold, so it sounded miserable. But, I sucked it up, put on a lot of clothes, and ended up having a really amazing time and seeing some beautiful sights that I wouldn't have seen, otherwise. I also did a moonlight hike, where we hiked 5 miles through the woods in the dark, lit only by the full moon.  Again...not something I thought I'd enjoy. Five miles is a lot for me. But I did it.

So...it's been a year of firsts. A year of stretching myself and pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. A lot.

Now I just need to get back into the active things because I've been a bum for the past two months. :)