Fewer Tears

I'm having a hard time with the fact that I'm crying less over the past few days. Before, I could say very easily that I haven't gone a single day w/out at least one good breakdown, sometimes more. But yesterday I barely cried. I had one moment where I started to and then it was gone very quickly.

I don't know why this is bothering me. I guess because I feel like moving past this means I've forgotten or that I'm over it or that I'm letting go or even that I don't love him anymore...but I know that none of that is true. I feel like I should still be more upset that I am even though I also feel like it's a little ridiculous how long this has gone on.

I still just have so many things to say to him. I'm basically going to tell him everything I didn't get to say during the breakup conversation because I was too caught off guard. I was completely blindsided so I had very little to say to any of what he said.

Sometimes I look back and wonder why I didn't fight more, why I didn't ask for more time to work on the things we struggled with. The thing is, I don't believe that ANY of the reasons he gave me for ending things were things you break up over. They're things that EVERY couple deals with at some point, they just came up really fast for us because our relationship progressed very fast. They weren't deal-breaker type issues. It all stemmed from lack of communication, assumptions, pretending to be mind-readers and expecting the other to be one as well. It's all stuff that I can now look back at and see exactly what was wrong...and maybe now we could fix it.

I saw him Saturday night with a group of friends. We got along just fine, it wasn't weird or awkward. But when I got home, that was a different story. I finally got my things back from his apartment, my pillow being one of those things. As I'm pulling it out of the bag I remember him telling me once that he liked having it there because he snuggled with it. I completely lost it at that moment and just sat there on the floor, clutching the pillow, and cried my heart out. I pressed my face to it, hoping for some lingering scent to remind me of him, but there was nothing. I just held it tight for a while, thinking that holding something he'd once snuggled with was the closest thing I was going to get to holding him again. It tore me up all over again.

So, no, I don't cry as much. I think there's actually somewhat of an explanation for that, but that's for another post. But it doesn't mean that I've forgotten. It doesn't mean that my heart has stopped hurting, that I don't miss him anymore, or that I don't still love him. Because I do. And I'm not sure I'll ever completely stop.

Looking Back

I've done a LOT of crying today. It's very strange how everything is feeling very fresh lately, like we just broke up a couple days ago instead of 9 1/2 weeks ago.

I just can't stop thinking about him. I constantly find myself going back to the night we met...how he came around the corner with flowers in his hand, and we got to see eachother in person for the first time. We'd talked about how we wanted to greet eachother...high five, awkward wave, exchange of business cards (obviously just joking around) but when we saw eachother we just grabbed eachother in a hug and I remember whispering in his ear "I can't belive you're finally here..." We'd only been texting for six days but I felt like I'd been waiting months to finally see him. I think, even at that moment, I knew I was going to fall in love with him very quickly. I think I believed, even then, that I would spend the rest of my life with him.

Our time together was so short, but there was so, so much good in that time. So many incredible, beautiful memories. Things I won't ever forget. Things that will make the next guy have a LOT to live up to.

I've said "I love you" to 2 other people in my life, but looking back I don't really think I meant it. What I had with them was so much nothing compared to the incredible things I had with Mike. It was never easy to say it to others....I remember being scared to say it, even, as I didn't know how they'd react. But the love I had for Mike was unlike anything I've ever experienced and I'm scared to death as I feel like I can't possibly find something that amazing ever again. He made everything in my life better and now, without him, I just feel like I'm living life but not really enjoying it. Sure, I have fun times, but he's not with me for any of those times and I feel like he should be, so there's always a little bit of sadness behind my smiles.

I feel so ridiculous that I'm still struggling so much, but I've never had to get over someone I truly believed I'd marry and be with forever. I just don't know how to do it.

Triggers

Sometimes when I cry, I can point out something very specific that set me off. A song, a memory, a dream, a place, whatever. But sometimes there's no obvious trigger. Sometimes I just feel like something is supposed to be different.

Last night was one of those nights. I had no plans and all I could do was think about how much I desperately wanted to be with Mike. When we were together, I didn't have lonely Friday nights. I didn't see him every Friday, but probably most of them. But even the ones where I didn't see him, it wasn't lonly like it is now.

It really, really messed with me. Even though it's been nine weeks since we broke up, I couldn't stop feeling like it was supposed to be our night together and everything felt so fresh, like I just lost him all over again. And it hurt like hell.

There isn't a single day that's gone by that I haven't cried. I miss him so much, every single day. I think about him almost constantly. But last night wasmuch more difficult that any day I've had lately. I cried more than I have in a while. I just curled up on my bed and bawled.

Sometimes I just want to call him or text him or show up at his door and tell him that I can't stand not being with him and beg him to take me back. I've never felt such a strong desire to fight for something in my life. It has taken serious amounts of self control to sit back and not do anything. It's also because I'm scared of how he'd react. I still haven't completely given up hope that we'll somehow be together again, and the idea of doing anything even remotely "crazy" scares me because I don't want to do anything that might jeaopardize that. But, at the same time, I can't help but wonder if fighting for it a little might make a difference?

I felt like I knew him so well and never worried about talking to him about ANYTHING when we were together. Nothing was off limits. But this has me so scared because, more than anything, I want to be with him again.

Someone posted this quote on Facebook the other day about how God doesn't need our help with our lives, that we just have to trust him to work things out and not try to make things happen. We don't need to manipulate or plan or push or really do anything except trust Him. This is hard for me to accept because I also know we're not supposed to just sit back and do NOTHING....so trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do has not been easy.

I want to trust that He'll bring Mike back to me, but I know that very well might not happen, and that fear is making it hard for me to want to trust Him.

Nine Weeks Later

 It's been nine weeks. Sixty-three days. One thousand, five hundred and twelve hours, almost exactly. In one week we will have been apart for as long as we were together.





Last week I spend an evening with a wonderful friend. She told me a story (one she's told me before, actually) about how her parents had broken up after dating for a while and if it hadn't been for her mom pushing for a second try, they never would have gotten back together and ended up where they are today. Stories like this give me little glimmers of hope, but only momentary ones.

I am fully aware of the fact that Mike may not be the person I'll end up with, even though that's what I want right now. I want so badly to believe that at some point, something will change, and he'll decide to give it another shot. Maybe I'll provide a fabulously convincing argument as to why he never should have broken up with me in the first place. Maybe he will just get to a point where he realizes it on his own. There are a lot of "maybes". I have a lot of moments where I will feel optimistic. Usually after something someone says to me, or after a thought I have that, in my head, will just make my argument all the more convincing. But, again, it's always fleeting. It is never around long enough to actually make me feel better. It's just there for a moment.

I have never, ever in my life wanted to fight for something so badly. The only thing that has kept me from showing up at his house and demanding he talk to me is because I am so scared that it would just backfire and make things worse.

 I want him to know how badly I hurt and how lonely my heart is without him. I want him to know that I cry every single day. Usually multiple times. I want him to know that I feel like I lost my purpose when I lost him. But I'm afraid of how he'll take that. So, instead, I'm putting on this fake happy face. I post on Facebook about all the places I go and all the people I hang out with and try to make it seem like I'm doing just fine. I want him to see that I CAN function without him, since he seemed to think I was too dependent on him for my happiness. But, maybe he sees all that and figures I'm doing great and that I've moved on and don't need him. I am just so confused and unsure of what steps to take because I'm so scared of ruining any possibly second chance with him.

I'm still waiting to have the talk with him that I wanted to have. I've mentioned it to him twice, now. The second time was almost a month ago. I told him the ball was in his court because I know how busy he is and I want it to be when he has time. But, I'm getting no hints at when it will happen. What hurts is that I told him how much I needed to talk to him, that it was important, and I feel like he doesn't even care. I am having a hard time figuring out how he could so easily get to a place of just not caring. I didn't do anything wrong, it wasn't some bad, messy breakup where we were yelling and screaming at eachother. It ended with both of us still saying "I love you", even if it was meant in a slightly different way for each of us. And he did love me...and even if that's changed, I guess I just don't understand how he could be so indifferent to everything now.

I'm just so very tired of crying and hurting and missing him so much. I know that saying what I need to say to him may not (probably won't) change any of that, but at least then he'll know how I feel and we can figure things out from there. It's just so hard to want to have hope because of how strongly I still feel about him but being scared of that hope because it could lead nowhere. I just wish I had some clue. Nothing in my life feels right without him. Making plans without him is still insanely difficult. Every time I get a text message (every single time) I think, just for a split second, that maybe it's him. And then I have to remind myself that it won't be.

Sometimes I feel so incredibly pathetic, still holding on to this, when he's given no signs that he wants to get back together. But I've also never experienced anything in my life like what I experienced with him and it's just not something I can let go of and get over. My time with him was truly the happiest, most incredible time of my life and it's nearly impossible to imagine anything better.

Changing Plans

Last weekend I went to a wedding. Actually, I missed the wedding but made it to the reception. I COULD have made it to the wedding if I had tried really hard but it was a really crazy, busy weekend and I was just tired of rushing around, driving all over the place, and I just needed a break. So, I skipped the wedding. Honestly, though, part of me didn't really want to go. They are my friends, so I wanted to support them, but this was the first event since the breakup that was something I'd planned on doing w/ Mike and then ended up going alone. So, I probably would have bawled through the entire wedding. I wouldn't have been able to focus on them, instead I would have been crying over the fact that I won't be getting a wedding this year like I had planned. I know, it sounds horrible and selfish, but that's just how I feel right now. It's a strange mix of being happy that they're happy and being insanely envious that these two people (who are both younger than me) have found what I've been waiting my whole life for while I'm still trying to deal with losing the future I thought I was going to have with the man that I love.

It's really, REALLY hard to not allow those "poor me" thoughts to take over. It's REALLY hard to be sitting at the table and seeing that the person next to me is not the person I wanted it to be. It's REALLY hard when all my friends are out on the dance floor during a song that was special to me and Mike and I have to stand there, alone, instead enjoying the moment in the arms of someone I adore. It's REALLY hard when I'm driving the beautiful, scenic roads on my way to the reception, passing farms and valleys and wineries, and thinking about how much Mike would have loved to drive his car on those curves and hills. It's REALLY hard when I see SO many people that I haven't seen in ages, and when they ask how I'm doing I have to lie and say I'm fine because the last thing I want to do is tell the truth about how miserable and lonely and unhappy I am while I'm at a wedding for my friends. I definitely had a good time while I was there, and it's not like I spent the entire evening moping, but the thoughts hit me randomly throughout the evening and I'd have to take a moment to compose myself before continuing on with the festivities.

I have another wedding to go to in Michigan in July. We hadn't set anything in stone, but Mike and I had talked about it and the plan was that he go with me. Trying to plan on going by myself just wasn't working out. I couldn't find anyone to ride with or room with who wanted to go for more than one night and I don't really want to go and not be able to enjoy a bit of a vacation while I'm there. So, I was upset because if it had been me and Mike going, we could have made our own plans to go when we wanted, stay as long as we wanted, etc. We wouldn't have had to depend on other people. I had been so looking forward to going with him, to lying on the beach of Lake Michigan together and just enjoying eachother's company, to having someone to dance with at the wedding, and just being together in a new location. So, yeah, it really sucked when I had to try to plan w/out him. So, I considered not going, which made me upset as well because these are my friends who are getting married. They are people I care about. I don't want to skip the wedding. So, I decided to ask Jessica (my bestest friend) to be my "date". It's working out nicely...we've already got plans as to what we want to do, when we're going to leave and come back, and our hotel is booked. I'm really looking forward to it because, in all the years we've been friends, we've never gone on any kind of trip together. I know it will be fun. But, even knowing how much fun it will be, it's still hard to accept that I had to make these plans because the person with whom I REALLY  wanted to spend the weekend won't be going with me. Mike and I would have had wonderful talks on the 7 hour drive, and probably some really epic sing-a-longs to musical soundtracks, too.

Every time some event comes up that was something I would have done with Mike, it makes it really difficult for me to want to go. Every time I go see my family, I think about how much more fun it would be if he were with me. It was just always much more fun with him. I'm always the 5th or 7th or 9th or 11th wheel, no matter where we go, and not only did he fix that, but he fit in. Everyone liked him. People seemed to like me better when I was with him. But now, I'm always the only one standing around, bored to tears, all alone. Always. And I'm so f***ing tired of it. I was so blissfully happy when I had Mike...And even now, two months later, I still miss him more than I probably should. I still love him. I still just can't accept what happened because everything about losing him feels wrong.