Today has been an exceptionally lonely day for me. This loneliness has mostly been contributed to by the fact that I was literally alone all day, but other factors have really helped it feel extra lonely.

First, it's raining. And it's cold. Those two things together do not make me happy. Rain has it's place....like at nighttime when I'm trying to sleep and it's raining hard enough for me to hear it. Or in the summertime when it's still hot outside and the rain is refreshing and cooling. But the one place it does not belong is on days like today.

Another thing that contributed to the loneliness was that my drive to Westport is the same way I use to drive to go see my ex when we were still together, so of course it triggers thoughts of him. Westport was also where we had our first "date". Westport's parking lot was where we sat in the car for an hour after the show and talked and kissed and I listened to him tell me how he hadn't had that much fun in a long time, and that he wanted to be with me so much more than he thought he would want to be with any girl after the heartbreak he'd been through. He told me that he was scared of how much he liked me. He smiled a lot, he made me smile, and he told me he could just sit there all night with me....we just couldn't get enough of eachother and had the hardest time saying goodbye at the end of the evening. It was when things were good....and thinking of good times w/ him don't make it easier to NOT call him.

Thirdly, I currently have no internet (I'm typing this in a word document, and will post it later). There have been a few financial issues over the past couple months, and my internet bill had to wait till this Friday's payday....but it got turned off today, so I'll be w/out it for a week. Without internet, I feel completely disconnected from the world. I keep up with a lot of people through facebook and e-mail. I keep up w/current events, the forecast, my bank account, and lots of other things....through the internet. So, without it, I'm struggling. Even though it's only been a day. And really, I don't even think it's the lack of internet that is the issue as it is knowing that if I need to get in touch w/ someone or look something up, I won't be able to.

I did spend part of my day at Bread Co. so I could do my taxes....I felt good about getting that done, and even better when I saw that I'd be getting $600 back. It's not huge....the last few years have been a lot more....but it will make a big difference.

As I was walking through the rain back to my car, stepping in puddles that were so big they were unavoidable, feeling the water soaking up the legs of my pants, and getting inside my non-weather-appropriate shoes, I thought I'd stop at McDonald's and hit up the Redbox so at least I could occupy myself with something tonight. So I get out of the car, back into the cold, step in another puddle and get rained on even more, only to walk in and hear "The Redbox is broken." So, I turned around, ran back to my car, stepped in more puddles, and got rained on some more....only to arrive back home freezing cold, wet, hungry (all I had at Bread Co. was a mocha), and wondering how in the world I was going to occupy my evening.

The first thing I did was put on a pot of coffee and set up a makeshift coffee table in front of the couch using 2 chairs and one of the old windows I'm going to use for an art project. Pretty sure I'm going to actually turn one of these into a coffee table cuz it looked pretty great. Anyway, I collected all the candles in my apartment and clustered them together and lit them all, thinking it was the next best thing to a fireplace. It almost worked. It was nice and pretty and smelled good.....but it didn't have the crackle and the smell of a fireplace fire.

I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down with "The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership", thinking to myself that this wasn't really what I wanted to be doing tonight but that I'd make due. Anyway, I made it through about 5 chapters, which I thought was pretty good considering that I didn't really want to read this book. Thing is, I like the book. I like the stories in it. But It's not a book I would pick up and read on my own, so it was hard to pick it up when I have two other books on my shelf that I want to read. It turned out to be a very enjoyable time.

When I decided to stop after those 5 chapters (and after I realized I had a lot less reading to do to finish the book than I thought I did because the last big chunk was references and other info that I didn't need to read), a thought struck me....and that is really why I decided to sit down and write this.

The thought I had was this: Maybe God is putting me in situations of intense loneliness so that I learn how to turn to Him and depend on Him.

You see, I have always been a pretty social person. I've always enjoyed being out with friends and loved ones. But up until this past year I have never had such a need for community as I do now. I am at church at least 3 days a week right now, sometimes 4, sometimes more...and I can't get enough of it because it's a place where I get to be around people I love, admire, respect, and who I know love me back. Five days a week at work I get to spend time with fabulous friends that I very much enjoy being with. The little free time I have to myself, I am usually trying to fill up with one on one meetings w/ closer friends or small group activities...to avoid being alone. And if I am stuck at home with nothing to do, I lose myself in the world of facebook and watching movies.

So today was kindof a slap in the face. I truly felt like God was pleading for alone time with me. My biggest distraction, the internet, was gone. The Redbox was broken so I couldn't get movies. The friends I usually spend Sunday evenings with were busy. I don't really think this was coincidence. It was God saying "Spend time with Me!"

Last week in Quarterlife we talked about how prayer is how we communicate with God, and how any good relationship needs good communication. Without communication, there is no relationship....so without prayer, how can you have a relationship with God? I have been working a lot on my prayer life. I've been making more of a point of spending time in prayer every day, if not more than once. I'm not where I want to be, but then things like this don't usually change overnight, do they? (unfortunately)

So anyway, I put a few things together and came to a conclusion. Over the past year I have become someone who is literally dependant on relationships (not boyfriend/girlfriend) and community and time with people I love. Dependant to the point that I can hardly stand to be by myself, and a whole day alone is about enough to make me crazy. Then you add in all the things I've learned about prayer over the past few weeks and my desire to have a closer relationship with God, and it all makes sense.

God really has been turning me into someone who craves time with Him....I just never realized it. It's something I've prayed for for years! I've prayed for a hunger to learn and a desire to read my Bible and spend time with God, and HE HAS ANSWERED!!!

So all in all.....despite the rain and the memories that make my heart ache and the cold.....today was a pretty incredible day. To quote my pastor (from his message yesterday!) "God is answering some of our prayers so slowly and so vividly, we don't even notice." He was answering my prayer all along, He just had to knock a little more sense into me to get me to realize it.

The brother I had, but didn't get to keep.

Something that not many people know about me is that I had an older brother who died from a brain tumor. It recently came up in conversation and someone said "You don't talk about it much" and I just said it wasn't really something that just came up in everyday conversation.

Sometimes I find myself thinking a lot about my brother. His name was Matthew, and my mom told me we were best friends. Thing is, I was only 2 when he died, and he was 4.

What's really strange is I have memories from when I was that age. Just recently my mom was talking about something that I remembered, and she mentioned something that Matthew did....and I just looked at her and said "Matthew was there?". See.....I have memories of times with him.....but I don't have memories OF him. He's just not there. To be honest, if nobody had ever told me about him and I'd never seen pictures of him, I would have no idea he even existed.

But the thing that gets me is the whole "You were best friends" part. You see, my younger brother and sister always had a better bond with eachother than I ever did with either of them. I have ALWAYS felt like the 5th wheel in my family. I've always felt like the one who just didn't quite fit in, didn't quite belong. I'm so different than everyone in my family, everything from my personality type to the fact that I'm the only one with brown eyes and natural red hair.

I sometimes wonder how different life would be if God had let me keep my brother. I think about the relationships I've been in that weren't good for me....would Matthew have been the protective type, threatening to beat these guys up if they hurt me? Would he have made my first BF really REALLY sorry for ever cheating on me? Would I have maybe avoided the situations altogether because Matthew told me these guys were no good, and maybe because I loved my brother so much I would have listened to him?

Maybe he would have had really awesome guy-friends that all looked out for me. Maybe I would be dating one of those guy friends. Maybe I'd even be married by now. Maybe Matthew would be married. Maybe I'd have an amazing sister-in-law and more nieces and nephews to love and spoil.

Would he have been artistic like me? Would he have been someone I could relate to better than other people in my family? Would he have been that person I went to with my problems and hurts and concerns? Would we have stayed close our entire lives like we were when we were little children?

Or maybe things would have been completely the opposite and he would have turned out an absolute wreck. Who knows.

All I know is that sometimes I feel like I really lost out on a chance at a really awesome friend in my big brother.

Back when I was in high school a close friend of mine died from cancer. She was 17 years old, I was 16, and that was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I had never known anyone besides old people to die. I didn't understand how God could let things like that happen. i can't even imagine what it must be like to lose a child.

I dont know if it would be harder to lose a 17 year old child or a 4 year old child....or if it's any harder or easier either way. I just know that at that point in my life, when April died, I started thinking a lot more about what my parents must have gone through when they lost Matthew.

I don't ever remember a time of sadness in their lives. I don't remember seeing them cry. My mom told me that I would ask about Matthew....or "Matt-Matt" as I called him.....I would ask where he went, why he wasn't home, and they would just tell me that he'd gone to Heaven to live with Jesus.

I don't know how I took this. I don't know if I cried because I missed him. I don't know if I understood, if I just accepted it like a perfectly normal response. I don't know. I was two. How does a 2 year old handle hearing that her big brother isn't ever coming home?

How did my parents handle it? Sitting here, writing this....I realize that it's just been one of those subjects that hasn't really ever been talked about. It would come up here and there, but I've never asked my mom what she did to cope. I never asked my dad if he cried. I know they both took comfort in the arms of Jesus.....And honestly, I don't know how people make it through something like that without those arms to hold them up.

I wish it was something we had talked about more. I always felt it was kindof taboo, like talking about it would just hurt my mom. I figure people don't like to talk about lost loved ones. I've also felt like people don't want to hear about other people's lost loved ones because it's just a depressing conversation to have. Maybe it would have been good for me if I'd been able to talk about it more.

I don't even think my parents are aware of how I feel about this whole thing. I don't think we've ever talked about it, just like I've never really talked to them about how they handled losing their firstborn child to a horrible, terrible disease, especially with my mom in the last stages of her pregnancy with my sister.

Mom told me Matthew just wanted to hold his baby sister.....and he did get to. Jen was born very shortly before he died. She also told me he was very strong and understood that he would be going to Heaven and that he would tell her not to cry and not to be sad.

My gosh, how does one handle losing a child like that?

I just know that God's hand has been in this situation from the beginning. I know He grieved and hurt with my family during their loss, and I know he understands MY hurts as well. I take comfort in the fact that I will see my big brother again someday.

Jake is just like any other person "in love"....

I watch The Bachelor. And The Bachelorette. I hate myself for it, but I can't stop. Ok....that's a little harsh, I don't hate myself for it....I just wish I had never gotten into it because it's just one more thing to waste time on.

Through this show I've learned that I'm pretty good at judging a person's character via first impression. Now, I'm not ALWAYS right, but I'm pretty good. On the first episode, the bachelor stands in front of this mansion and is greeted by a line of 25 women. They only have a few seconds each for their first impressions before the next girl in line comes along. Jake gets to hand out a "first impression" rose, to whichever girl he felt stood out to him. To go along with this, I have made a point of choosing my favorite one from the lineup just based on the first impressions, as well. And you know what? Every single time that person has made it AT LEAST to the top 3, most of them to the top 2.

This time is no exception. My first favorite was Ali, second favorite was Tenley (based on first impression). Then a little further into the episode I changed the order. They got down to the final 4 and guess what? Ali and Tenley are both still there. Well.....actually Ali just left because apparently her job threatened to fire her if she didn't come home, but I know she'll be back as part of the drama of the last episode.

Anyway.....to get to the topic of this post, about how Jake is just like every other "in love" person out there.....Why doesn't he listen to any of the other girls when they tell him what Vienna is like? He's had MULTIPLE girls come to him and tell him just what kind of girl she is, and all of these remaining girls have done the same thing....these girls he thinks are amazing, wonderful women, women he's fallen for....they're telling him the truth about one of the other girls, and he just says "That's not what I see when I'm with her."

Well.....HELLLLLOOOOOO!!! That's why they say "Love is blind", dimwhit!!!

I mean, we've all been there, haven't we? In that relationship that, to us, seems wonderful, even though all of our friends are telling us what they see from the outside?

Why don't we listen to our friends (and family)? Aren't they the ones that matter? Aren't they the ones who will (hopefully) still be there when the relationships fall apart?

I've been there. I've been in a grand total of 2 relationships in my life and both times I had people telling me it wasn't a good thing.....and I chose to ignore them. I think the difference is that I knew they were right but chose not to listen. I think some people are literally blind to what's going on and that's why they get so upset when their friends try to tell them what they see.

Jake (poor Jake) is in this same dilemma. To him, Vienna is fun, kind, and sweet.....because in the short (SHORT!) amount of time he's gotten to spend with her, she's managed to put on an act. It's not hard to do, some people do it for years. People don't get to know their REAL significant other until it's too late sometimes. But in this case, Jake doesn't have a lot to go on and if he really were smart, he would listen to the other girls. All this stuff has leaked about her, like the topless calendar photos she posed for (Jake is a guy w/ morals....pretty sure he wouldn't go for this). She's also been married and took everything from the guy's bank account while he was away at war. She's a snake, and I hope that she is not the last one standing in this game.

I just HATE to see people in this situation, even when I don't know them. I hate seeing people in relationships that aren't good for them, and watching them STAY in them because they just don't see any other options.

My neighbor has woken me up many nights because the terrible things he is screaming at his girlfriend come right through my bedroom wall. I remember the first week I moved in here, hearing him yelling at her, and seeing her sitting outside crying. Why is she still there? The guy beats his dog (I've heard it, and heard someone tell him to stop, so I know it happens) and I wouldn't be surprised if he beats his girlfriend, too. But the point is, he treats her like dirt.....and she's still around. I wish I would run into her sometime, because I just want to tell her she deserves better, even though I don't know her.

I just know that love and marriage are such a huge thing in God's eyes, that He has a plan for it that is so very different from what we do.....I wish people understood this. I wish girls would see themselves as beautiful and worth being LOVED, and that they'd settle for nothing less. I wish guys would man up and be the strong, protective (but still sensitive) guys we girls want them to be. This could all be so much less complicated if we'd all just love eachother well.