Today was better.
I feel calm, mostly, which is weird. I miss him like mad, but I'm not stressed about it.
It's weird, this feeling of "everything is going to be ok". I kinda don't like it because I realize that everything being ok could very well mean that I don't end up with David. Is that weird? Part of me wants to be more upset. Part of me wants to feel more hurt. This "ok" is unsettling. It's a new feeling for me. I'm usually REALLY upset when something falls apart, no matter how new it was, assuming I liked the guy. I've even been mildly upset over guys I haven't even liked that much, simply because it was still rejection. Or sometimes I had to do the rejecting and that just broke my heart no matter how little I liked the guy.
So, now what?
I guess I continue on with my life and I pray like crazy. This morning I did cry a little, and it was when I prayed that God would give me peace no matter what the outcome, even though there is a certain outcome I really, really want. I don't want to be ok with not ending up back with David. I have had such a rough journey over these last few years (regarding dating and relationships) and I FINALLY found someone who makes my heart feel at peace. I've never been so comfortable with someone in my life, really. I've never felt such amazing, wonderful calm in someone's presence before...like I was just completely confident in where we were headed.
I haven't seen him since last Saturday. I haven't kissed his sweet face in over a week. Everything in me longs for him, yet is somehow still mostly ok with where we currently are. And I don't get it.
He still checks in on me. He still calls. He tells me I'm awesome and that he's glad he met me. I feel like there's hope. I want to be right about that.
I decided I won't get back on any of the dating sites. For now, I'll wait for him. Down the road a while, I'll still wait, but maybe be open to God bringing someone else along...though it will have to be in real-life, not online. And he'll have to pursue the heck out of me, because I'm still going to be mostly waiting for David. I don't know how far down the road that will be, because at this point, I see no other option but waiting.
He has my heart and all my love (though I have not told him) and I just will continue to pray. For God's will to be done, but also for what I want...because I think God wants us to be honest with Him about what we want.
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Friday, May 20, 2016
Unknown
I'm in love.
I am completely, madly, head-over-heels in love with the most incredible, amazing, generous, kind, affectionate, adorable, wonderful man I have ever met.
He is the only person who's made me look back at what I once had, what I thought was an incredible relationship and the relationship that I'd measure all others against, and realize that, while it was good, there was something so much better out there.
He has my heart. He has all of me. I'm all in. I'm done looking. I never want to kiss another person ever in my life, or go out on another first date, ever. EVER. I want to spend my life loving him and making him smile and doing his laundry and all that silly stuff.
He is it for me. Maybe it's only been 5 weeks, and I have SO much more to learn about him, but the goodness of his heart is so evident that I don't feel like I need anything else.
Only problem is, he isn't ready. We're in two very different places. I'm ready for a serious relationship, he's still going through a divorce and feels like his life is a mess. He used the word "detached", and I think that hurt the most. I asked him if what we had was based on nothing more than his attraction to me, and he said "Of course not, I think you're a really great person..."
A great person who he finds attractive. Over the past three years I've discovered it's not hard to find guys who feel that way about me, even it if it is just for a short time. But I thought this one was different.
The way he looked at me when we were around his kids and couldn't touch eachother made me think the guy was mad about me. The way he touched me and told me how beautiful I was, when he told me "You're my favorite"...how was I not supposed to think that meant something? Did it really mean nothing? Nothing at all??
The thing is, he IS different. He IS special. I DO love him with everything in me. But he's not ready and he doesn't even know how he'll feel down the road. It scares the shit out of me, but I want to wait for him to be ready, however long that may be. Because I never want to kiss any lips but his ever again. I never want to snuggle on the couch and drink coffee on a Saturday morning with anyone else ever again. He is it for me. And if he's not, then maybe I'm just not meant to be with anyone. THAT is how strongly I feel about this one.
So now, we figure it out from here. He doesn't want to just disappear. He wants us to be friends, though defining that seems to be where we're struggling. I think it's absolutely possible to be friends w/ someone of the opposite sex (I have several great guy friends, so there), but when there are feelings on one or both sides, that's where things get tricky. Is it harder to be away from him completely, or to be with him and know I'm not going to get to kiss him or hold his hand? I don't know. But the idea of not seeing his sweet face just crushes me.
The thing is, even now, I know he'd do anything for me. I know he'd be there for me if I needed him. He's just that wonderful of a person.
I just have such a hard time believing that God would bring someone like him to me only to tear him away and say "Nope, not for you"...I know I've felt like that before, like God was just teasing me, really. With a LOT of different guys that I've been into over the years. But David is the first one I have had no concerns about. There have been little things with all of them, little things I just figured I'd "deal with"...but with David, sure there are things I"d have to adjust to (he's a neat freak...I'm not...yikes!) but it's nothing that would bother me. Even when it looked like things w/ the divorce would get messy and dramatic, I was still ready to take it on. He means that much to me, to put up with whatever it took, no matter how bad it got. I wanted to be the person he talked to and leaned on when things were hard. I wanted to support him no matter what.
But now, I just don't know anymore. I mean, I know how I feel. I know what I want. But I don't know where this will go. I'm a wreck, because I really thought this one would stick around. When he bought us concert tickets for a concert that was a month away, I was blown away because I never made plans that far in advance with anyone. When he told me he wanted to take me to the airport at 3:30 in the morning for a trip that was 2 months from when we met, I thought to myself "This guy is sticking around."
I never dreamed that, at 5 1/2 weeks in, I'd be spending an evening in tears, crying over this unknown. Maybe in some ways it would have been easier if he'd just cut it off completely. Instead, I'm left here with this unknown future with him...maybe we'll end up back together after the divorce is finalized and he can really move on? Maybe we'll be friends for a while and then nothing will come of it? I don't know.
But I know what I want, and maybe, for once in my life, I need to fight for something.
I am completely, madly, head-over-heels in love with the most incredible, amazing, generous, kind, affectionate, adorable, wonderful man I have ever met.
He is the only person who's made me look back at what I once had, what I thought was an incredible relationship and the relationship that I'd measure all others against, and realize that, while it was good, there was something so much better out there.
He has my heart. He has all of me. I'm all in. I'm done looking. I never want to kiss another person ever in my life, or go out on another first date, ever. EVER. I want to spend my life loving him and making him smile and doing his laundry and all that silly stuff.
He is it for me. Maybe it's only been 5 weeks, and I have SO much more to learn about him, but the goodness of his heart is so evident that I don't feel like I need anything else.
Only problem is, he isn't ready. We're in two very different places. I'm ready for a serious relationship, he's still going through a divorce and feels like his life is a mess. He used the word "detached", and I think that hurt the most. I asked him if what we had was based on nothing more than his attraction to me, and he said "Of course not, I think you're a really great person..."
A great person who he finds attractive. Over the past three years I've discovered it's not hard to find guys who feel that way about me, even it if it is just for a short time. But I thought this one was different.
The way he looked at me when we were around his kids and couldn't touch eachother made me think the guy was mad about me. The way he touched me and told me how beautiful I was, when he told me "You're my favorite"...how was I not supposed to think that meant something? Did it really mean nothing? Nothing at all??
The thing is, he IS different. He IS special. I DO love him with everything in me. But he's not ready and he doesn't even know how he'll feel down the road. It scares the shit out of me, but I want to wait for him to be ready, however long that may be. Because I never want to kiss any lips but his ever again. I never want to snuggle on the couch and drink coffee on a Saturday morning with anyone else ever again. He is it for me. And if he's not, then maybe I'm just not meant to be with anyone. THAT is how strongly I feel about this one.
So now, we figure it out from here. He doesn't want to just disappear. He wants us to be friends, though defining that seems to be where we're struggling. I think it's absolutely possible to be friends w/ someone of the opposite sex (I have several great guy friends, so there), but when there are feelings on one or both sides, that's where things get tricky. Is it harder to be away from him completely, or to be with him and know I'm not going to get to kiss him or hold his hand? I don't know. But the idea of not seeing his sweet face just crushes me.
The thing is, even now, I know he'd do anything for me. I know he'd be there for me if I needed him. He's just that wonderful of a person.
I just have such a hard time believing that God would bring someone like him to me only to tear him away and say "Nope, not for you"...I know I've felt like that before, like God was just teasing me, really. With a LOT of different guys that I've been into over the years. But David is the first one I have had no concerns about. There have been little things with all of them, little things I just figured I'd "deal with"...but with David, sure there are things I"d have to adjust to (he's a neat freak...I'm not...yikes!) but it's nothing that would bother me. Even when it looked like things w/ the divorce would get messy and dramatic, I was still ready to take it on. He means that much to me, to put up with whatever it took, no matter how bad it got. I wanted to be the person he talked to and leaned on when things were hard. I wanted to support him no matter what.
But now, I just don't know anymore. I mean, I know how I feel. I know what I want. But I don't know where this will go. I'm a wreck, because I really thought this one would stick around. When he bought us concert tickets for a concert that was a month away, I was blown away because I never made plans that far in advance with anyone. When he told me he wanted to take me to the airport at 3:30 in the morning for a trip that was 2 months from when we met, I thought to myself "This guy is sticking around."
I never dreamed that, at 5 1/2 weeks in, I'd be spending an evening in tears, crying over this unknown. Maybe in some ways it would have been easier if he'd just cut it off completely. Instead, I'm left here with this unknown future with him...maybe we'll end up back together after the divorce is finalized and he can really move on? Maybe we'll be friends for a while and then nothing will come of it? I don't know.
But I know what I want, and maybe, for once in my life, I need to fight for something.
Monday, May 2, 2016
A Lot Can Happen In Three Weeks
So...I've been seeing this new guy for 3 weeks now.
Three glorious, blissful, amazing, better-than-I-could-imagine, weeks. I'm completely smitten, quite possibly even head over heels in love with this guy.
For the first time in 2+ years of dating, I'm with someone I actually believe will stick around. I don't worry that he's going to end things. I don't worry that he's going to lose interest. Instead, things just keep getting better.
He's affectionate. He constantly tells me how amazing, wonderful, beautiful, and special I am. He tells me he doesn't understand why I'm single. He stopped looking at the dating sites as soon as he started talking to me. He lets me ramble on and then tells me he enjoys listening to me talk when I apologize for going on for so long. He always checks to make sure I'm comfortable (sitting on the couch, the temperature in the car, etc). He is so selfless. He's generous (doesn't let me pay for ANYTHING when we're together...he even bought my groceries just because we went to the store together!). He purchased concert tickets for us for a concert that was 3 weeks away (now this Saturday) so he clearly planned on sticking around. He's funny. He's sweet. He's CUTE. Oh, and he's taking me to the airport at 4:00am when I leave for Guatemala NEXT MONTH. And you know what? I know he'll still be around. I know it.
I could go on and on. I am so blown away by this guy. And he's CRAZY about ME and he TELLS me how he feels. There is no wondering. I'm secure. I'm happy. And quite possibly head over heels in love.
Three glorious, blissful, amazing, better-than-I-could-imagine, weeks. I'm completely smitten, quite possibly even head over heels in love with this guy.
For the first time in 2+ years of dating, I'm with someone I actually believe will stick around. I don't worry that he's going to end things. I don't worry that he's going to lose interest. Instead, things just keep getting better.
He's affectionate. He constantly tells me how amazing, wonderful, beautiful, and special I am. He tells me he doesn't understand why I'm single. He stopped looking at the dating sites as soon as he started talking to me. He lets me ramble on and then tells me he enjoys listening to me talk when I apologize for going on for so long. He always checks to make sure I'm comfortable (sitting on the couch, the temperature in the car, etc). He is so selfless. He's generous (doesn't let me pay for ANYTHING when we're together...he even bought my groceries just because we went to the store together!). He purchased concert tickets for us for a concert that was 3 weeks away (now this Saturday) so he clearly planned on sticking around. He's funny. He's sweet. He's CUTE. Oh, and he's taking me to the airport at 4:00am when I leave for Guatemala NEXT MONTH. And you know what? I know he'll still be around. I know it.
I could go on and on. I am so blown away by this guy. And he's CRAZY about ME and he TELLS me how he feels. There is no wondering. I'm secure. I'm happy. And quite possibly head over heels in love.
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