Wrong Again

I struggle pretty frequently with trusting myself, trusting my thoughts, my decisions, everything I do. I struggle with trusting God because sometimes I think He's pointing me a certain direction and then it turns out I'm wrong.

When I was with Mike, as I said in my last post, I was ready to marry him. I was beyond positive that he was "the one" and that I'd spend my life with him. I prayed about him and thanked God for him all the time. There was NO doubt in my mind about him, whatsoever. But I was wrong. You know what that did to me? It made me become the person I described above.

I thought that if I could be THAT sure about something, feel THAT secure, that surely it was from God. Especially since I'd prayed about it and felt I'd found exactly the kind of guy I had prayed my whole life for. And I was wrong.

It's been a long 2 years, trying to put myself back together. Sometimes I feel like I haven't come very far, but then recently I've had some people tell me they see how much better I am now. It's nice to have that affirmation from others.

Anyway, I find myself struggling, once again. If you read my last post, you saw that I was seeing someone new. I mentioned how safe and secure I felt with him. How much I admired him, how happy I was to be with someone who was praying about us from the very beginning and encouraging me to do the same.

Well, he called things off on Monday evening. To say I was shocked doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. After it was all over, I just sat there and cried. Cried myself to sleep. The next morning I actually had forgotten about it briefly, until I looked in the mirror at my red, puffy eyes. Then I remembered and I cried some more.

Long story short, he just didn't feel the way I felt. He said he prayed about it and wanted it to work, (and I believe him) but he couldn't force feelings. Which I get. But it still hurt.

Here's where I am struggling. We were BOTH praying. We were BOTH praying for guidance, for clarity, to figure out where we should take things, especially with my "big decision" looming over us. (PS: I decided against the big life change after carefully considering pros and cons and feel very confident that I've made the right decision). So, with that big change no longer being an issue, I felt like I could breathe again. I felt like I could really focus on praying for the right thing with him without it feeling so urgent (because I was running out of time to make my decision).

The biggest difference with this guy was that it was the first time in two years that I haven't just been waiting for the end to come. With every other guy I've talked to or dated, no matter how positive I felt about things, I was always just kinda waiting for the ball to drop. For the call or the text to tell me they'd lost interest. Or, as in a lot of the cases, for the guy to just stop responding to my texts and completely disappear. The other difference was that I never once found myself comparing him to Mike, which has been an issue in the past. I've never said anything to any of the guys, but when a guy would say "Musicals? Men don't watch musicals", it was a strike against him because Mike loved musicals. I'd constantly be thinking things like "Mike wouldn't have said that." or "Mike would have done it this way", and it wasn't good because I was never going to find someone to quite measure up, to be good enough. With this one, though...I never had to think that because everything about him was just that good. Some of it was different, but it was always a good different. The only time I made a comparison was when he told me he'd pray about us and I remember thinking "That's something Mike never would have said." It was at that moment that I realized how special this guy was.

It was because I prayed so much about him and felt so secure with him that I felt like it was God telling me to go ahead. I felt like it was right. We were moving the right direction. But that's not the message he got, and that just completely messes with me because we were praying for the same thing.

How is it that two people (or many people) who are praying for the SAME THING can come to two completely opposite conclusions? Is one of us wrong? Are both of us wrong? Which one of us is wrong? Did he just not give it enough time? Did I not pray enough? Did he not? Did I just fall too fast and scare him away? How could he act the way he did around me and then claim he had no feelings? What made me feel so secure and so sure about him when I'm usually so insecure about things? I have a million questions. I miss him. I miss talking to him every night. I miss how everything in my life was finally feeling good again after such a crappy 2 years. My parents saw how much happier I was. My coworkers all knew (that stuff spreads when you work with a bunch of women) and were all gently teasing me about the fact that I was dating a younger guy. But they were all happy for me. I was confident enough about him to talk about him and tell people about him, which is something I don't do much because it's embarrassing to talk about guys and then have to tell people it didn't work out over and over and over.

So, that's where I am. I'm hurting and I need someone to hug me and let me cry, but I've gotten none of that since this happened, so maybe once that happens I'll feel better. Maybe not, though. I just know that, out of every single guy I've ever dated, I'd choose this one again and again. He stood out. The thing that sucks is that now the bar is set even HIGHER than it was before. :P