I'm at a loss, here.
I'm losing him. I've probably already lost him. I truly did not see this coming.
He won't make any real solid plans with me anymore, and if he sorta makes plans w/ me they almost always fall through. I mean, I told him I wanted to be flexible and that if he really needed time to do something else (like cleaning or whatever he feels behind on) then that's ok. But what I didn't expect was that it would mean we never see eachother. Last Friday I got SO excited when he invited me out with some of his friends. He told me it could possibly turn into just a guy's night if the other girls decided not to come, so I knew there was a chance it would fall through, but I hoped it wouldn't. But it did.
On Monday I texted him a picture of some screws and wall anchors and sent some jokey text about not knowing who would come help me hang this shelf. He said he could come by on Thursday (tomorrow) and do it for me. I was surprised, because I thought we'd agreed no hanging out at eachother's houses alone (just to be sure we remained "friend level"). I mean, it was my rule. I said it to appease him, to hopefully make him feel better and hopefully tell him that I still wanted to hang out, but respected the fact that he wanted to stop the physical stuff for now. So yeah, surprised he said he'd come help. Then I invited him to go climbing, and he said yes.
So he calls me yesterday and I find out that it's his friend's birthday tomorrow night and they MIGHT be getting together for that. He said "See, this is why I don't want to make plans, because things like this come up and then I feel bad." He may as well have said "I don't want to make plans with you because something better might come up." I know he didn't mean it that way, but it hurt just the same. I understand, going out for your friend's birthday (once a year thing) versus going climbing (which we can do any time). I would probably want to cancel plans for something like that, too. I get it. But we used to make plans. We used to make a LOT of plans. And they didn't fall through. And we were so dang happy and had so much fun together. I miss that. I still desperately wants to hold on to hope that this will work out, that we'll find our way back to eachother after he's through all this mess. But it's just looking more and more hopeless and it's completely tearing me apart.
The thing that's really annoying is I keep having these random "meltdowns", where I get really upset and emotional and then he does something or says something that makes me realize I was completely overreacting. So, I feel silly every time I get really upset, but I also get scared that we're drifting farther apart and soon he won't even talk to me at all.
I don't know what to do. I'm so lonely but the only person I want is David. Last week, I went out (not on a date) with a guy I dated last year. We stayed friends and ran into eachother a few weeks back and decided to meet and catch up. I was REALLLLLLY into this guy at the time we were dating, but dinner w/ him was weird. Not painful, not awkward. Just....made me wonder why I liked him so much. Maybe it's nothing more than the fact that my heart is elsewhere and I just wanted to be with someone else. Who knows.
I just know that the man of my dreams is pushing me away and I don't know what to do. I know everyone would tell me to walk away at this point...and part of me thinks I should...but I don't know how to. I feel like I just need to tell him that this is tearing me up, that I just need him to be clear about things. Are we friends with a possibility of more in the future? Do you have zero interest in me anymore? Do you even want to hang out with me?
But I'm scared to death of the answers.
Maybe I just need to put up the boundary. Maybe if I don't ask him any of the questions, if I just lay it out for him, that will preserve my heart a bit. Maybe I just need to tell him that I WANT to wait for him, but constantly wondering where I stand, constantly having my plans fall through, feeling like I'm only a backup option....none of that is working for me. It's hurting me. And I can't keep doing this to myself.
Maybe then he'll realize he misses me after a while. But maybe he won't, and I don't want to think about that.
Why can't it just work out for me for once? Haven't I been through enough heart break? How many times do I need to be crushed before things work out?
All I want is for this to be the one. I don't want any more first dates.
