It's 3:48am and I'm wide awake. I need to be asleep, but I woke up thinking about things and now I can't shut my brain off.
My last post was a year and half ago. In a lot of ways, not much has changed. I'm up because I'm thinking about Mike. And I'm crying. Yes, that's right. Just 2ish months away from the 2 year anniversary of our breakup and I'm crying over him.
The last year and a half has been interesting, to say the least. I jumped really hard into the dating scene shortly after my last post. I think at one point I had counted about 14 guys that I'd gone on dates with, probably from September of 2013 until March of 2014. The vast majority of them were only one date each, some only two. Since March, I think there have only been maybe 4. I hated that I'd dated that many people. I hated going on that many first dates. I hated that none of them KNEW me and I had to have the same conversations over and over again. I just wanted someone who knew me like Mike did. I was tired of starting at step one with all these people and never getting beyond that. I didn't really have any BAD dates, so that's good. I've heard some horror stories.
And you know...as much as I've really liked a few of them....not a single one comes CLOSE to Mike. Not a single one gets me like he did, or makes me FEEL like he did.
I don't even get that excited about dates anymore. I don't get nervous, either. I haven't since Mike. I just feel numb, emotionless. No point in getting my hopes up, because none of them go anywhere.
I just want to feel that spark again, to find someone who can love me and who can help me love again. But then other times, I still pray that somehow I'll get another shot with Mike, and that this time it will work.
I've been thinking a LOT lately about how much I want to try to make him talk to me this year, or at the very least write him a letter. I've spent almost 2 years holding all these things inside me that I want him to know.
I think the thing I want to say to him the most is that I wish he would look back on his time with me with fondness, remember the happy memories, remember how deeply I loved him and his little girl. Focus on those things instead of the negatives. Instead of seeing me as the girl who, in a desperate, emotional state, opened up too much to his daughter's mother, I want him to see me as the girl who was crushed and heartbroken and felt she had nowhere else to turn...who was desperate to figure things out and make sense of what had happened. I understand him being upset, I really, really do. But I wish he understood where I was coming from. We have all made poor decisions when in heightened emotional states, so to hold that against me and use it as a reason to never speak to me again seems ridiculous. The thing that I hate, though, is that I did nothing but tell her how wonderful I thought he was. If she said something negative, I countered with something I loved about him. I said nothing bad about him, I was just distraught and trying to make sense of things. But he felt I'd betrayed him, he felt he could no longer trust me, and he told me he wanted nothing to do with me.
I feel like, maybe, I would have had an easier time with things if I felt we were on good terms. No, it didn't work out. But we loved eachother intensely, even if it was a short time. Well, maybe it was short for him. I'm pretty sure there's a part of me that still loves him pretty intensely. I sometimes wish I had more negative stuff to look back on, so I could be glad I "dodged that bullet"...but I just don't feel that way. I miss him terribly, I miss his little girl so much that seeing her recent preschool picture on my friend's refrigerator almost made me lose it. I hate that I'm not getting to watch her grow up. I miss her running and jumping into my arms every time she saw me and I miss her little voice saying, "I love you, Jamie". I miss them both, the family I almost had and then lost. I just want him to look back on our relationship and say "She was special. She really, really loved me." and just be happy about that.
