I went on a date about 2 weeks ago. I met him online and after a day or two of talking we decided to meet up. I'm not really sure why, but it was very different than any other first date I've gone on. I was only mildly excited and I wasn't nervous at all. Not even a tiny bit. I didn't even tell many people about it.
The day went really well. We had lunch, sat and talked for a couple hours, played 2 rounds of mini golf, got ice cream and talked more, then went to a movie. Spent pretty much the entire day together. We had a great time. We had good conversation. He was very sweet, paid for everything, held the door when I gave him the opportunity (I really need to stop walking so fast, because it's awkward to stop and wait because I arrive at the door first). He kissed me at the movie theater.
But, despite how much fun we had, how comfortable it was, there just wasn't really a spark. It wasn't hard to say goodbye to him at the end of the day, and that's huge to me because the first night I met Mike we just couldn't seem to say goodbye. We just wanted to keep talking, even at 4:30am after six hours in a booth at IHOP. The part of me that wanted him to kiss me more was just the lonely part that misses being kissed...I felt absolutely nothing when he did it so I didn't encourage him to do it again.
I don't know why there was no connection. He was perfectly nice. I really did have fun. But it just wasn't there. Was it because I'm not really ready? Honestly, will I ever be? I feel like getting out and dating again is about the only thing that's really going to help me let go of Mike. He took so much of my heart with him when he left and I just don't think I'll feel better until I have something/someone else filling that void. And what sucks is that whoever it is has a LOT to live up to, so much that I honestly fear I might never find someone good enough.
A friend told me the other day that he thought it was a good thing that Mike and I had broken up because he thought we'd rushed into things much too fast. My first thought was "You've been around Mike all of 2 hours, who are you to make judgements like that?" and then I just said "We did rush. It was VERY fast." I mean...there's absolutely no denying that. He told me he loved me after just one week. Told me he planned on marrying me 3 days after we met. I mean....yeah. It was fast. But it felt so perfect, so right, like I'd found the one I'd waited my whole life for and I didn't want to wait to be with him forever.
I tried to explain to my friend about the connection that was there with us. I told him about how I use to make fun of people who talked about "connections", that I thought it was a load of crap, but with Mike that's exactly what it was. It's so hard to really put it into words, but I remember the first moment I saw him I wanted to know everything about him and wanted him to know everything about me. I INSTANTLY trusted him, INSTANTLY felt I could tell him everything without being judged...I was 100% comfortable, 100% safe, and could be 100% vulnerable with him. Totally transparent. Totally myself. He taught me things about myself that I didn't know.
The Pink song that's really big right now starts out with this...
Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
I couldn't have worded it any better than that. That's exactly what being with Mike was like for me. I showed him (figuratively) everything, every single thing that I'm embarrassed or ashamed of. I was able to let go of so much of that stuff. I would complain about something that I thought he wouldn't like about me and he would say "I don't think you understand that I love you." I'd tell him "Of course I know" and he'd say "You don't really understand." Because to him, loving me meant loving every single thing, every single flaw, and he didn't think I believed that. But now, here it is, almost 4 months later and I still wonder what changed. What flaw of mine made him change his mind about me? What flaw was the one he couldn't handle or put up with? I wish I could understand more.
I wish I could stop missing him so much, but I can't. I still want him back more than anything in the world. I still cry at night and beg God to fix things, to bring is back together. I tell Him I'll do anything if he'll just do this one thing. I tell him I KNOW that His way is best but that all I can think about is how I want His plan to include Mike and I being together. I don't like to think about it any other way.
Even after everything that's happened between us in the past few months, while dealing with the fact that he basically doesn't speak to me and that we aren't even close to being friends, I still haven't changed how I feel. I still love him which means I love his flaws and I forgive him for hurting me. I'm angry at him and I can't even talk to him about it and it just hurts so bad, but even despite all of that I'd still take him back in a heartbeat. I would give anything for a second chance.
And there are moments where I feel hopeful, like when my ex tells me how much he regrets letting me go three years ago and that Mike will, too, unless he's a complete idiot. And then there are moments where it feels completely hopeless and I am convinced I'll just have to settle for someone at this point.
In the meantime, I'll continue to try to move on. But I don't know how long it's going to take for me to be ready to be vulnerable with someone else. Things may not have ended up well, but we had something pretty amazing at the beginning. We had something special, and I honestly don't think it's something people often experience more than once in a lifetime. I can only hope that I get to experience it again.
