I've stopped couting the weeks. At least, I think I have. I'm not sure if we're at 12 weeks or 13 weeks since everything fell apart. I think 12. But I'm not positive. I feel like that's progress. Isn't it?
I still miss him. I just don't know if that will change any time soon. Or, ever. Is it possible to just stop missing someone when you still feel like they're supposed to be with you?
Some things have changed in the past week and a half or so. I don't feel like going into it, but it definitely set me back. There were a few days there that felt like we were starting over, like I had just been dumped all over again, like the heartbreak was fresh and brand new. I've had a couple days where I've not cried and then this morning I cried on and off for most of the morning. No idea why...nothing in particular set me off (that I know of). I just cried.
I think the fact that I'm moving on Monday has me a little messed up. It still just feels like this isn't how it's supposed to be. I wasn't supposed to be moving in with a stranger. I was supposed to be finding a temporary place to live for a few months until we were married...and then obviously we'd move in together. And that's not happening and even though I've accepted that it will be completely, 100% real in about 36 hours. I will no longer live in the place that holds incredible, beautiful memories of the time I shared with him.
The kitchen that I spent countless hours making meals for him and where we made delicious guacamole on his first weekend here will no longer be where I make my meals. The couch where we sat watching Big Bang Theory and eating an entire carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream and cuddling and kissing and having wonderful conversations will no longer be the couch I sit on every day. The doorway we use to stand in when we'd kiss eachother hello and goodbye will not be the door I walk through multiple times a day. The dining room table where we use to sit to eat, where he kicked my butt at scrabble, and where he left me beautiful love notes when he'd leave will not be where I sit anymore.
I realize that, overall, it will probably be helpful to get away from some more things that remind me of him. I mean, SO many things make me think of him that eliminating some of those things will probably be good. But it's not easy. I've never, ever struggled with anything like this before. It's just more steps in letting go of something that I don't want to let go of. Every single step hurts like hell because it's taking me further away from what I want.
He's unhappy with me, with how I've handled the breakup. But he doesn't seem to understand just what it is I felt I've lost. I wish I could tell him what I saw and exactly why I thought he was so wonderful. I wish he could understand that the reason I'm handling it the way I am is because of how much I loved him and not because I'm unstable or crazy or immature or whatever. I wish he could see himself the way I saw him, and then maybe he'd understand why this has been so hard, and maybe then he'd be a little more understanding. I mean...I think if the situation were reveresed, it would be flattering to know that the guy had so much trouble letting go of me. It might make me feel bad, but knowing that he thought that much of me would be a big deal. Every girl wants a guy who will fight for her, who will stop at nothing to win her back if things fall apart...but it seems like if it's reversed, and the girl is the one who is fighting to win a guy back, she's just called desperate. It's rather unfair, isn't it?
And I haven't even been fighting. I've wanted to. I've wanted to SO badly. But I hate the idea of being with someone that's only trying again because I had to beg. As much as I often feel like I would do just about anything to win him back, what I really, really want is for him to come to the conclusion on his own that he made a mistake, that he was happy with me, and then do everything in his power to win ME back.
Everyone I've been with in the past has always come back. I wish this one would, too.
